[pen marks are a little shakier then usual]

Of course it would snow today. in the middle of.....geeze.

and I really enjoyed summer too...even for how damn hot it was.
now I can't let my scars air except on my face...unless I want to train in the cold...i'll have to bundle up more..I'm freezing to the bone even in a damn sweater!
doesn't matter where I am...just the luck of being me. I'll be incredibly lucky if my lips don't frost over.

I hope Kai gets back to me soon regarding watching the bar.
....damnit if he's died...I'm just gonna freeze to death just to haunt him into the afterlife with my inconsistant nagging.

Longing is a funny thing.
when you think your tough enough to live without the object of your curiosity...
the nagging feeling comes around again.

looks like i'll be sleeping with Yulia again tonight on her sympathy.
or is it pity? I can't tell the difference anymore.

Sounds like they're haveing some sort of shindig over at the Raver club near ShinRa tower. I hear trucks I see people...fighters with biceps ten times the size of my skull.

enjoying a smoke and writeing the half hour before I have to get to work at the bar.
these months have been nothing but work. minimal contact with Kai and Ed. they've both been busy I feel assured. nothing beats disapointment like work. or working out.

as much as I'd like to think i'm doing the right thing. I have no goals in sight.
except to keep "her" existance as secret as possible. she seems alright...normal growth. she's eating. no breathing troubles. her legs are a little odd. but they should normal out as she gets older.

I'm smoking far too much these days....but I really don't care.
need to just take my mind off everything.

I have missed this feeling.
the feeling I had when I started traveling with him.

I refuse to be swept back up into the charade of these past three years.
no longer will I contradict myself. Return to the basics.

It grows harder to wear a smile. but if I do. even if I force it.
even if I force myself to look happier. it will work out for everyone's benifit.
for the sake of everything we have been working towards....

It's getting colder...

I'm getting worried. is she going to be able to survive the winter?
I have to make sure....I haven't been sleeping at all this week...
I haven't been paying attention to the bar in such a long time...


I want to remember...
I want to forget...
I don't want to care....


I just want to be here.
with him. I don't care how cold it is...
I never did...

December 24th.....

....what will happen?

[writeing was back to Ekiri's normal tone but seemed accostedly more sgraggily and rapid]

. . . .

He can never make up his mind....
such a woman. half expected him to cry during....
...wasn't as mean as I could have been...


"..She's got all kinds of Crap that's also wrong with her..."
"..I'll help get her back to...somewhat normal..."

If i'm such a problem why don't they just ignore me?
I don't need their morality weighing me down when i'm working.
....friends....I understand. we're all we have left aren't we?

and that's just fucking peachy.

I know what they're dying to say.
"Your the only decent medic we know.
you aren't worth shit unless you can see and save our hides."

...."You can. and will be replaced."
. . . ."If your broken your no good to us."

but none of that matters.
not as long as I have the only pair of eyes on me that I care about in the entire world now...I can't think of how I would have thrown this miracle away...
made up entirely of lies, the resemblence is uncanny if not youthful.
and nobody will ever know of this nineth miracle.
Nine...Nine...Nine...

is when I got to hold her for the first time...
without the intent of death stinking from me...
she had no fear. she was weak.

I'll give her what I've been deprived of for all of my life.

The truth.

[The handwriteing appeared to be very teenage. girlish. cute. with hearts over the I's and all that fancy crap]

Oh Dear...this is Yulia!

Ekiri told- er gestured. to me that she wanted me to write down something on this page while I'm walk-

*A long black pen streak goes down the page. ICly Yulia tripped not paying attention where she was going*

Well shoot! my boots are scuffed. but there's a weird thing near the Alton Plaza enterance down the tunnel is blocked off. there are MP's watching it so I better not get too close!

On my way there I saw a really cute blonde guy in a...didn't look like a MP outfit?
I dunno...all I know is he was cute!! <3

Okay soooo Mr. Kai is nowhere to be seen stalking meee....
no weirdos....no weird rapist women!
Ooh! the grocery store got in some new fresh produce! maybe some carrots and oranges would help Ekiri be happy and sunny like me. instead of depressed and...depressing!
D<

SERIOUSLY Ekiri just stop mopeing around the hideout! so you can't speak well and you keep walking into walls! it brings smiles to our faces so why can't it make you smile too!?

I know Aoi said no caffine or alchohol or sugar but maybe I could bring Ekiri a coffee too!

To be continueeeddd! <3<3<3<3!

[Teardrops would scatter the page. and the writeing seemed like she wasn't even looking at the page. or could hardly hold a pen]

Why do people trust me with their lives?
...all I do is betray them....run away...
do things by myself...
a thief ... a whore.. a liar...
do they see me as something besides those things?
...I can barely run the bar. all I do is run away and make excuses...

....is the reason Kai hasn't been around because he's been watching me?
because he read my journal...he's afraid that I can't do anything?
I'm such a kid...I don't know what I want...I know what I have to do but I can't do it! I can't do it fast enough....or good enough!

....I shouldn't be doing this. going after Bahram.
he has better informants then I do. I reeceived a letter earlier straight from him.
trying to dismay me. saying he would be on the footledges outside of Kalm. and to expect one hell of an ambush if I come with anyone else. the cliche villan line.
something my Mother expected every sparring she had with him. over the top or not at all. this was Bahram. if he's against me I should expect the worst. maybe being a 90 pound girl would throw him off guard. even worse. looking like my Mother.
would he be wise enough to see past the guise? does he know she's dead?
all the letter revealed to me.
was that he was getting impatient. and wanted this to be over.

I think...even if I shouldn't. I need this.
this constant fighting, standing still just makes me agitated...
Kai likes it when I don't smell like blood.....well too bad.
by the time these suits are finished i'll be more then drenched in it.

this is just one stop....one stop to getting what I need....what I desire more then anything else in the world...

Maybe I have a reason to stay awake after all.

an interesting name showed up when I was going through the bounties Force's information specialist's gathered when they were making their rounds;
Bahram Ulmecha.

in my Mother's Journal he was praised as her mentor.
but that was more than twenty years ago. in this time period he may very well be one of the most wanted men in the world. as the rumor stands nobody has come back after going to find him. so that means he either disueded their spirit to fight. or killed them. he may no longer be with the mercenary troupe my parents were with, but if he was everything my Mother wrote about, he has more then enough guardians to watch his back into old age. I'll have to contact the contracter of this bounty and see if these numbers are real. my mother's aly or not, the money in this bounty would put me at ease for the greater portion of this year. above all else...I could continue my medical studies. in case Ed or Kai got injured again...

On the subject of Ed...I'm growing more concerned if he's alright or not.
it's been a while but I hope he's taking it easy. because I hadn't worked on scaled Sub-human's before I didn't know how to treat the wound properly..but I tried with what human anatomy I knew...it wasn't too different but..with the bounty payment. I could attain greater medical information then I ever had.

but I know.
with the higher the bounty.
The higher the death toll.
The higher number of people who haven't come back after attempting it.
The lower the chance I have of comeing back unwounded.

I'll ask Yulia to check in on the bar often if I'm gone for long,
and make sure to let Cole know. and Kai if he's around....
last time I saw Kai....maybe he's just too busy....
I wonder...what Kai wants to do with his life...
I've never really talked to him about it...
then again I never wanted to force him to talk about it.
...why he always keeps checking his pocket watch...ever since I met him.

On the thirteenth there was an explosion. in the warehouse district below the bar.
....I was really stubborn...and arrogant to the police officers as always...

"I'll stay with my bar."
"Go help other civillians."

....probably wasn't all that professional...
but I had alot on my mind...Three weeks to go..until...maybe.
that white haired guy who tackled me and took the brunt of a shelf falling....
his weight....his forearms...they reminded me..

...no I guess in this day it's not odd for two people to be similiar...
I mean he's as active as...that guy is I guess...their hair looks similiar...
I haven't seen Kai in a while...maybe i'm just tired. but I needed to hire another employee. so I did. he's clumsy....a wuss. keeps falling over when the floor's dry.
panics at the first sight of a MP ID scan patrol.

...but then again I did the same thing.
just looking at this guy...makes me think of something I'd want to protect.
I need to negate these feelings....too soon to have these feelings stir up again.
am I feeling lonely and sorry for myself again?
I haven't seen Ed nor Kai in the longest of times....Six Yuge and Kashido even longer...who's dead this time?

I just want to go back to sleep.

[Alot of scratched and erased pencil marks lie on this page]

As I try to write something I never quite notice how much or fast time passes, I trust the other bartenders know what to do when I'm not around...much less to a full on ShinRa barrage that just walked past. I'm still being careful...wouldn't be pretty if they checked records, though maybe that Turk burned them...covering his tracks.

Makes me think of two years ago, when the ShinRa patrols increased, frisks were mandatory in the slums especially if someone was on the loose. half the time it was just......nah. best left forgotten, I've put that behind me now.

doesn't mean MP's make me feel any better....not to mention that guy, haven't seen him in a while...I still don't believe him...why would've Souma gone for a guy like that? some mysteries weren't meant to be solved I guess....

I've been overworking again...been sick to my stomach. had to have surgery done to my left upper arm again since the sensors are beginning to malfunction for my forearm. uncomfortable while sleeping...or trying to sleep. but the pain is good, it tells me I'm alive. it keeps me awake. and makes sure I get the job done so I can come back.

the fog was...pretty bad for the past while in Sector 2. haven't been taking my medication at all these past few weeks...I've been trying to quit it...but it's making me paranoid. scared. of everything that moves. anyone that gets close to me...it makes me remember...seeing things I shouldn't see anymore. Aoi keeps telling me I don't have a choice but to take the medication with how I work...and how far my stress disorders have become a roller coaster of unpredictability since early last year.

I hate being sleepy.
It's a horrible...horrible feeling.

[A very smudgey blurry white pencil drawing would be here, indicating she did it really fast from memory hence the bad quality]


It's always good to meet new faces, and to see Alon again.
he got into a fight with Rebels....I wondered...who he got into a fight with.
I felt like a older sister nagging a younger brother to be more careful.
Mr Vollified knows how to be careful...after all he's....he's a..guess I don't remember anymore since the first times I met him, checked his wallet once when he needed a wound stitched up, needed to know where to put him...and found out he was ShinRa...and that was that.

after Mr. Vollified left for the evening I met a man named Haine. seemed to like the hard drinks I'll have to remember that. the man was from Nibelhiem. same as my Aunt and Uncle. I told him I stopped by at nightfall a long time ago, which wasn't completely untrue....yet it was just to deliver bad news. timezones are a bitch for halfway around the world....

still waiting for a chance to talk to Force...maybe he just doesn't want me to Bounty Hunt anymore. last thing that got shouted at me before I left for the bar again was "Get a fucking hobby!"
. . . . probably one of Forces workers shouted that, I wouldn't be surprised if it was Force I just left quick enough, It'll still be a while until I can put together the second suit for testing. the dyes are setting nicely but the fraying is driveing me nuts. as is the materials.

speaking of work, while I was doing number analysis one of Force's data management...or program creators....what does he do? I know I've seen him at Junon before...probably does a bit of everything...smart guy. he showed me a weird video with a guy repeating himself and screaming over a dead broad....something about coups. do people really make those videos in-...

I don't have a right to express my opinion on that with what I've done on video.
but one word caught my eye, Ironic enough "Hi-Ris" or...."Eye-Ris"
might be a good tagger name....hell even "Hi-Rez" might be a good name,
High Resolution.

Time isn't going to wait...this is going to be fun.
----------

[Written hours later]

Sector 2 is covered in fog. it doesn't make sense....the fog usually stayed in the Asylum district. what's going on?

Lovely. first time in months I need to talk to Force about something serious and he's pretended he's gone deaf to my nonchalant nagging after the mention "Price is right" is on. on the third day I kicked his chair over while he was sitting in it just to make sure someone didn't shoot him in the head. I was disapointed to find out he was not in fact suffering hemrogeing and went to the bar.

The bar. it's been quiet, I don't trust any of the recent applicants for bartenders. i'm probably being paranoid, though one less chance i'll be sued for endangering employees by way of them being kidnapped or bludgeoned by mercs, the better.

along those feelings are more unsettling feelings that keep returning. I feel like I am a overwatching father and the bar is my daughter, I don't want any bartenders filling her head full of frivelous ideas and suddenly her becomeing a trendy corner prostitution ring. I had enough of an unsettling time seeing my other daughter....enough of that. the other bar I worked at be turned into a sty of frivolous transvestites. I mean....it was like that before I worked there and even as I worked there. but it was a CLASSY sty of frivolous transvestites.

Maybe i'll raise the subject of bartending to Ed and Kai again if I can get them both together for longer then five minutes. I know Kai's been busting me about wanting to have a decent stable job...and i've seen Ed with an Echo bar application once or twice, though he hasn't said anything about it...at least not to me. or has he? ....I'm afraid I haven't been a very good bar manager..guess some would say i'm too inexperienced for my age but I put on a good show and that's what matters, doesn't it?

My leg feels better then it has in a long while.
trying to forget the events of nights past.

We both got what we wanted out of it..
I'll let it go for now and just stop suggesting it.
...makes me feel like an older woman....it's disgusting...it's like my stepmother..

.......
..

I want to go back to bounty hunting. I need to talk to Force Tomorrow.
...I want to smell like blood again. it makes things quiet. happy.

...Vondred's back in town..

I felt almost on the verge of tears seeing him again...seeing that photograph again. same old same old...Vondred was my mentor. I looked up to him. two years in Prison did a number on him. his Red hair is black...his tanned skin turned pale...

....is this a drug enduced dream?
if it was the night ended and the morning began with Kai....
I don't know where to begin...guideing a rookie through these things isn't usually what I do...he had all the right moves to make me squirm. you'd think he was a torture expert...maybe I turned him off from the way I built myself up to reject it. especially after my first time two years ago....I'd never forget the smell of a ShinRa uniform after that.

what is Vondred doing now?
maybe i'll have more time to talk to him tomorrow....or the next day...
I'm shaking...why do I feel afraid?

...they keep saying...."keep your humanity"...
I don't...know why i'm trembling....
and it scares me....every time I step outside I have to remember...I'm probably being watched. i'm being hunted...Rassk could be on my heels...

...hell even when Vondred's woman told me he had a message for me,
at first I thought it was from the Black Sun Syndicate....

I need to take this one day at a time....carefully....or else i'll shatter again.

Never again.....

...that job is horrible, no matter the money.
I'd rather be hunting bounties then doing that...
now...I just...want to sleep...for as long as I can.

I want to forget how much it hurts to keep something going.
how long will Force's loyalty last?
...is it really worth it?

...if Kai and Ed weren't depending on me.
I would have long carved my old sword into my throat...
just to stop this. just to quiet things.

but I can't now....they trust me. I trust them....
do they really? do I really?

....last night was awkward. yet comfortable.

what have I been doing? tailing random people around? drawing them? this leg is such a hindrance...it's taking some time to heal. my favorite place to hide has been taken over. didn't really expect it to stay silent and solemn.
a thing...it....furred one. the medical chamber was full of weapons and papers. before I could start a fire by throwing my cigarette on the papers it found me.

and I got out of there without problem, and without running into Rassk.
this fascination is going to get me into a problem. yet I like staying where people can't reach me. I have to watch out for those who can climb and run.
and if Rassk notices I've been tailing him on and off. I don't think I'll be bitching about just my leg. Kai didn't ask when I showed him my sketchbook filled with drawings of people I shouldn't even be in the vicinity of, aside from him and Ed.

but this curiosity of mine has gotten the better of me. I haven't felt like this since two years ago. back in Midgar. something drove me to want to know more then I should. and it killed me more then once.

I'll be careful. at least until Ed is stabilized and can be treated easily by Kai.
Rassk's dog bites hard. I'll have to remember to bring something more appetizing for it. but if it's him alone, I'll just have to pray to some un-named intimate object.

[Just a bunch of doodles]

Is "I need help" Such a weird thing to hear from me?

....my head was spinning from doing bar paperwork for the past seven days..
I wasn't even drunk when I asked Force if one of his workers was good with numbers, and he just stared at me weirdly then started laughing.

it ended up a few guys and Force overlooking it to help me with the rest of my paperwork...but really i don't think laughing was called for...unless me asking for help was really that funny.

I should call Kai and see if Ed's doing alright-
...Fuck that reminds me I don't think I actually have Kai's correct cell number.

another thing....guess my "Ultimate endurance" wasn't all I thought it was.
I've tried to ignore physical pain for as long as I can remember...and that screwed alot of shit up, guess I noticed...after I fought Kai..or it fought Kai...I don't remember anymore...I could walk...because someone healed me...but the interal damage remained...I didn't even notice when I was walking around base until my legs gave out without notice, I couldn't even push myself up, it felt like all of my nerves were rejecting me. I can walk a bit better now though I've still got a bad limp.

on top of that, today I got a letter from my step brothers, inviteing me to a funeral.

....should I go?

I know perfectly well what will happen.

but still...

[Additional writeing at a later period in time indicated below]

Again! more weird looks when I ask for help, and it was just asking Yulia about something to take my mind off bounties and bar paperwork problems. she suggested I take up "Agressive Inline Skating" once my legs get better. Usually i stay away from those sorts of activities...I get too carried away going so fast when I have to stop i'm always depressed.

theres always road blocks....but i'm trying...trying to change...
I can't afford Kai or Ed frowning at me...angry at me..

if I can find...something to be happy about...if I can make that smile..seem more sincere...Kai wont..be angry at me..-it- wont happen to him...

-teardrops would be scattering on the page-

why is it so hard for me to understand?

"Don't apologize for something you can't control"
It's become a hypocritical saying for me...

apologies hold no weight...as much as they are non existant..
what does it mean?

..I don't understand...
stareing at this symbolic object of affection...it doesn't mean anything to me..because I never understood it's meaning in the first place...
in books...a woman is overjoyed by the prospect of marriage....
in reality no such joy exists for those who don't understand it.
combat and failure were my teachers. they spoke nothing of "love" or "Conciquence"
and yet I fell into the same trap over and over...acting like nothing's the matter.

maybe I have to learn these things...maybe it's something that can't be learned.
I guess I just wont learn it then.

Hope Ed and Kai are alright...tried to check in on them a couple of times though it was always when they were sleeping...at least I think they were....Kai's eyesight is pretty good in the dark I think that's why he didn't try to attack me when I came into the apartment a few times to just check on Ed's health status.

I hate my process of wearing complicated wigs....at least I stopped stitching them into my hairline...last wig I wore...the long black one, had glass and blood dregged into it. it was a nightmare to remove.

I need to return to the bar.

I've gotten good at hideing away the pain again.
my ribs. these bruises, Aoi healed a bit of them while I was back at work.

though I was called back to the Sector 2 hotel.
Ed being injured...this guy...Piqin.

I actually wanted to meet him. not for revenge...Ed and Kai can have that.
I'm curious. from what they have said about him, he can get under your skin with a flick of his finger. It leaves me wondering if he can mentally destroy parts of your head as well as mess with them and implant thoughts...I am probably thinking too far ahead. if he came from the asylum as Kai said, then it is to be asumed he is unstable. I'll keep my interest under the radar of Kai and Ed, they know what an unhealthy obssession I had with Souma and i'm sure if they knew of this interest they'd want to snuf it out in an instant...."For my own safety" I'd understand...and if they ask I don't plan to keep it from them...not like last time...but for now it is a quiet waiting game.

I'll stick close...and keep my cellphone on...
i'm all they have left....huh?

....I don't understand....
no matter how much I fake like i'm mature..i'm...so put together...
when it falls apart...I just can't understand these gestures....these relationships..

I act like an actress would.
baseing my replies and actions off movies and what I read in books.

...it's only when I lose it...it feels like me.
the me I left behind. I don't need to know who I am.

I'm perfectly fine being something that doesn't exist.
it's in that place I can help Ed and Kai....
I wont lose it again.
I can't lose it again.

[Found by Kai has yet to be returned. :>]

////
Entry By Kai
//////

- the writing is rather sloppy, kai didn't seem to care about it.-



Ekiri.. I read through your journal. I'm sorry.. i just Needed to Know some things..you'll probably be pissed once you wake up and find this.

i just want you to know..If you Ever Need to talk to me..Any time..Any day.. I'm not going to be mad at you. And I've noticed..that ever sense i came back to you..you've been getting worse... Is it because of me?..Do you want me gone again?

Because if that's what you want I'll Leave..and never come back. I apologise if I've screwed something good up between you and yuge. But i can't really tell you enough how much i feel like I've ruined your life..

It wasn't your fault whenever i got injured. I Wanted to help you.. it was My choice.. i don't want you to blame yourself whenever i get hurt.. Because it Was Never your fault.. i should've been more carefull. And here i am again..apologising..How stupid.. I'm sorry for what i said about Souma last Night. I cared about her, Ed cared about her. if there was anything we would've been ale to do i assure you we would have..Don't tear yourself apart anymore..Please..For the sake of Ed and i.. you're all we have left.

- dry teardrops litter the page, as well as New ones on every other written page.-

If you would like to talk to me..Please.. Meet me at the airport. Alone.

~Kai.

[The writeing is incredibley scratched.]

Souma....

where are you?

...I can hear you...in the back of my head...I can see you...

I can't understand where you are...

...I...wont let anyone hurt you...

I'm so scared...they wont disapear....every single...torn up face...

..and yours is not among them....

..it's my fault...

..it's my fault your gone....

..please forgive me...

...please have mercy on me.....

..save me....if I save you...

...my head hurts...my leg hurts....my eyes...I can't...stop crying...

...help me...help me fight them....help...me....please...

[The entire page is splattered with drops of moisturized blood]

....what was I doing..?

before I blacked out...those weeks ago...

that entire week disappeared...

my voice was so sore...
what happened?

...someone else was in control again...

writing things to make it seem like I had a image of what happend.
trying to make me believe it was real...what did Kai save me from?
what did I want to forget?

the flowers....I was...

going to Nibelhiem...my...Cousin's funeral memorial...
it's too late now...isn't it....

my voice....it's been..so many days..and still...
it doesn't want to return...

I visited them....my stepbrothers...
their mother infuriates me.

...she reminds me of...
their dead already.

does she need to die too?

[added much later in the day]

I have no more need for hesitation.
what's done has been done.
they will be raised in term of revenge, as I was.
it's never been as quiet as it is now....

I want to return to the bar.
even if it is just to ridicuel, and failure.

and dissapearing again.

If Aoi says truly more then five times in a sentence again I'm going to strangle her with my medication.

she is starting to remind me of my first stepmother.
and that could prove a problem seeing as how two out of unknown are dead.

two weeks worth of work to catch up on. no more prettier then Force's grandmother at one in the morning in her nightgown on a couch in front of the TV sharing a six pack with me telling me how back in her day women were treated with respect and treated gloriously by businessmen and aristocrats and artists and that women just had to have dinner prepared, make sure the kids washed up and wear high heels and look glamorous before the husband got home. further reminding me why I dislike the word "Spouse" or term "Husband and wife" it's like linking two potatoes together and expecting intelligence and all you get is a stutter.

maybe that's why I enjoy harassing Kai about getting married and having kids with some dinky prostitute, and then watch as he stuttered and try to change the subject before I bring up something more embarrassing. I'm sure one of Forces workers once took me aside and told me with as straight a face as the man could muster:
"You are a cold hypocritical robot and should die as early as possible."
but that only improved my mood after watching him open up a can of Soda and go blind for three days due to carbonated liquid being jutted into his eyes.

....so many times I keep telling people who seem into me to just go find a prostitute of similar appearance they'd never know the difference. ....no matter how hard it hurts.

Kai'd probably want to....
though he doesn't like seeing me hurt or forced into anything.
I'd rather not see his expression if he saw every scar on my body.
I think one person crying and upset about that is enough-

[Entry ends abruptly here. the latter pages are just misclanious words.]

[This page seems to be written very cursively, or in very neat longhand]

Ekiri.
I truely want to know what you were thinking.
when you dragged yourself to me and asked me..or write on a peice of paper...
to look at scars...scars you told me never to remove or you'd remove my limbs?

on top of that to fix them. you were so prideful of them, no matter how painful...
I am angry that you didn't take proper care of yourself when your leg was broken.
and even before that the self-mistreating of your wounds knew no bounds.

To see the young woman who endured so much for us, suddenly go so very dead...
we may not always like what you do, but this is becomeing an incredible moral loss.
when you can speak, please. at least speak to Force. if not me or Yulia.

what exactly happend in the near-week that you went missing?
what brought about this change?

some scars wont disapear Ekiri...

do you truly want to forget everything?

-Aoi Jay

[Ekiri's handwriteing is absolutely shit horrible. worse then ever before it'd be surpriseing if even she could make it out later :V ]


...why?

...why did he save me?


...he broke his collarbone...
his arms were dislocated...his jaw....

...he could have found a better medic....
..everyone always does...

why does he do this..?

...because he knows I'd drop everything to help him?
no matter how stupid everyone else sees it..

hurts...
everything...
my skin is burning...

I need....to get us away...my voice...I can't use it...

h-how did....Kai know..I was there?

it wasn't...any different then...me being missing....

who told him?

why....

why..

I want to forget...

forget everything...

never...again....never see them again...

that cell...the cage....the chains...the nails....

my skin being torn off..

..not again...

..never again....

...I should burn you....

...never exist again..

Confiscated by Rai Yuudai and Darrel The Turk :>

Tao....Freyja....Chitose....

...men....women..children...

in the last two years....in the last ten years....

Have I changed?

...I've become more focused....

...but since that day...my blood keeps running cold...anytime anyone gets close to me. it's not comfortable for me....I give in...just to get it over with....

sleeping under a pile of corpses...

people i've murdered....mutated...

and only three....could be classified as something ShinRa...or their coleigues would look at me with distain about...if they actually knew...

...I've been good about covering up my tracks...what I've learned from Kai when we traveled together.... how to make myself invisible...get just enough interest...

.....I wont let ShinRa catch me...not again....

...I can't afford to be caught now.


I don't want to remember that white hallway....
....that SOLDIER....

....the feeling...of absolute dispair...

a slap on the wrist is one thing...but what I've done...

...anyone with a sense of morality wouldn't set me to prison...

...do they have anywhere worse here?


I need this off my mind...maybe I'll go get some flowers for Souma.

I'm being paranoid...that's all it is....

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

....back at the hideout working on the suits.
told Aoi to be quiet and locked myself in my room all day...

the only one to stop by after unlocking the door was Force.
he didn't complain but he just asked me if I was happy about what I've done to myself. ..I asked if something was wrong with the employees if I was messing with them, I didn't look at him and I think that was pissing him off, nearly tipped the chair over trying to get me to look at him.

he said the employees were fine. all he was worried about...was the thing in my room that kept making noises....a part of me..gargling and trying to exist...it's not ready to exist....yet it does, part of the reason I've told Force I'm soundproofing my room. if that thing learns to cry...I don't want anyone to hear it.

....maybe starring at the black pit of my eye cooled him off. I've told him time and time again...I do what I have to do. what I had to do...

just like back when I met him and his crew...we were prisoners to men...men who gave not a second thought to throwing a pregnant woman to the floor and crunching their boot down upon her unborn child. whenever I close my eye....I can still remember being pushed to help them back up...back to health....back to what health?

the women there were beaten to an inch of their lives...and before I could let them rest three days...one guy would be in heat, next day we were digging graves...

....I was spared from that...because I knew how to mend wounds...
guess I can thank Yuge, Kashido and Vondred for that....if I wasn't a half assed doctor...if I didn't have the push to go further then basic medical aid. my womb would be alot more compact then it was before.

though that didn't mean I was spared from most group activities......the smell of that bloody mattress is burned in my sinus's...

....a few bar regulars told me I should see the Junon ShinRa Clinic about my leg and burn wounds...I just shook my head. ....after two years ago. I would never step into a main ShinRa building again...that second floor....white walls....that SOLDIER...my blood all over the walls....front line fodder...

what is that organization like now?

...are rookies still used like that?

why do I keep seeing him in my mind when I don't want to think about it.....

....it's not like we can go back...

I'll never walk into that bar in Midgar...and see the two SOLDIERS that were greater friends then anyone in that slummed up universe...

the bar in Junon is fine...it's beautiful...

.......

...now I know why Dean frustrates me so much...

....Dean reminds me of Azure.

I've been sleeping normally for the past couple of days...

and it's driveing me completely insane..

nothing....no voices...no forms appearing out of the shadows...
not even Kai. no disfigured faces of those I love...

....has that part of me finally accepted it's boring when I can't fight back?
the swelling in my right leg and left side has gone down....I got hauled back into the office since Force was pissed off at Aoi threatening to cut off the balls of one of our employees if I wasn't back in the medical bay....

...had alot of the dead skin removed from my torso...burned and charred flesh...
even with two other medics on the cure. it was still someone tearing my skin off.
that was at three in the morning...it's getting close to five thirty PM now...

I told Aoi i just needed time to think...the bar is pretty empty....I don't think the customers think too highly of me comeing in injured to do paperwork...but did I ever really care about what they thought as long as they were outerly content?

....though..thinking back....that rabbit...Ora Xia...even for a pervert....and that video game playing guy at the bar that night....kinda made me feel...happy....I didn't think i'd feel like that after breaking my leg...

...if Souma could see me now she'd be lectureing me...or cheering me on about how many guys are hitting on me...she'd say something wild that's for sure...
...would she?...it's been so long...I can't remember what would be true...and what would just be my impressions....

I'll linger at the bar for a few hours more before heading back...
what would Yuge say if he saw me like this?

....somehow I'd guess he'd sigh roll his eyes and lecture me to hell and back. or just turn and punch a wall and yell at me....

I don't ever want to admit this again...
...it's days like these I want to just go to sleep forever...

I haven't left the apartment all day.

...maybe I should try...it's not like...there aren't civillians on the streets at odd hours of the morning....if something happend...

....

the level Kai got shot on...it's perfect...
..I wouldn't be able to run fast enough if they saw me....

what has it come to...i'm so depressed about not being able to run away...
I haven't changed at all...not one bit...
maybe I could grow wings and fly away....but wings aren't bulletproof.
you shoot a bird. it falls....you kill an angel...your cursed forever.

....back when I was a child....I might have killed an angel....
she had no wings...but hair white as snow..just like mine....
...and once this leg heals i'll continue killing angels and demons alike...who hide themselves in skin that calls them human...


...I need to get out more, being cooped up in this apartment is driveing me to speak by their means...and it's them who wants me dead. thinking like my enemy is fine...though becomeing my enemy isn't exactly my perfect ideal.

Useing a crutch in the sand is difficult...

..when is this leg going to finish healing?

....and when the fuck did a giant tree pop out of the rocks?

guess cause I've slown down I actually notice other things more easily...

Haven't seen Kai or Ed for a while....hope they're alright..


....damnit I don't understand why people keep telling me to relax...
...relaxing is boring as hell.

Two shelves of the liquor are missing in the bar.
either I have skimped out on deliveries with this broken body.

or this has something to do with a similar incident a citizen told me about with the grocery store. this is one of those things I do hope ShinRa kills with an iron fist in the dark. I would be in dismay to wonder what would happen if cadets couldn't get wasted and cry about their superiors abuseing them so close to the tower.

Though I will have to ask the bartenders if anything peculear has been up.
I wouldn't be surprised if they did go throgh the entire two shelves while I was gone, busy days happen. I'll have to talk to Force about another emergency shipment. he's going to bill me out the ass for this and the medical bills again I know it.

....money's going to get tight..this leg better heal fast.

...speaking of the leg it hurts like a bitch..might as well add painkillers to the list of supplies needed. I'm going to have to be fucking careful....people I've threatened could see this as an opertunity to finish me.
...on the other side I don't want a babysitter...I'm going to keep face in front of Kai, Yuge, Ed, Kashido. anyone who knows what's after me. nothing like a fairytale creature floating over your shoulder screeching "Hey. Listen."...
it'll save hassle. though put the risk higher. just like I like it.

...I don't want to lean on anyone...I wont let anyone be my shield.
not after what happend to Kai...I'm their shield. not the other way around.

...I'm scared...

I can't remember waking up this badly injured...
My leg...It's..never been broken before...
..I hate this feeling...
I can't run..

tried to take a shower...nearly passed out from the pain the physical shock..
...I look so horrible now....before...cuts...scrapes...
I would have preffered a bullet to the gut to this....

my hand is so cut up it swells when I try to do the simplist thing....
the left side of my body hurts so much I have to bite my tongue not to cry anytime I have to walk....

...nobody would want a burned up woman...all they do....is pity me...

..I can't fight...

....what happens when they send the next one..?

..am I going to die?

....Souma...if I die...could I see you...before I go to hell?

-Written far later-

I met a new bar regular...or an old one I guess...Ora..
I remember him as the bunny that just vomited cause he drank too much.
aparrently he's a huge pervert too....

I've been filling out forms...he...tried to kiss me...hold me...
even wanted to have sex with me....fucking rabbits....
he....jokingly called me his lover in front of a MP officer..

...was he ShinRa?

...Kai came also...he fell asleep....I asked one of Forces workers to help me bring him to a Hotel again...I was just....too tired to watch over him...

Ora held me so tightly my burn wounds bled...
...I need to redo these bandages....

..I don't like being like this...even if someone touches me...it hurts...
my hands...my chest....my legs....everything...

...I don't want to be weak....why did this have to happen?

....who did this to me?

[The letters seem more of a elegant cursive type and calm in nature. something you'd expect a buisnesswoman to write. different from Ekiri's lazy sort of drifting writeing style when she's not signing forms.]


Ekiri. I know you write in this often so you better look at this and actually talk to me afterwards. I don't want to hear that you ran away again.

it's been six weeks since we last talked in person. and now one two days since you were hauled in here by one of Force's workers. unconcious. burned. cut and beaten. first you refused to have any more checkups after the ultrasound. now I see you. that secondary elongated scar on your stomach and womb. I can't say you are or aren't the worst kind of woman I've ever encountered. I fret to wonder what your insides are like now. truely you are a rotted individual and I shouldn't be helping you. for Gaia's sake. I don't even know how Force puts up with you. or anyone you work with. any of the people in your life...

I want to chain you to the bed. but Force has told me not to, due to the sounds you made last time he tried to keep you in one place.

Wake up. so I can tell you how to move on beyond this Ekiri.

it's time to stop chaseing that shadow.

Aoi Ja-
[A large bloody handprint was all over this entry. as well as signs of forced scrapeing. indicating someone woke up while Aoi was writeing this in Ekiri's journal]

Kai overdid himself again...burns on his bandages...collapsed outside of the inner city..it reminded me of when I traveled with him...if he came down with a cold or feaver that made him immobile I'd care for him. albiet sometimes carry him to the nearest doctor and learn how to help him...

watching him sleep now...
makes me long for those days again to travel with him...to understand him more...
He knows as much about me as he wishes to.
I know little about him...aside from the watch he carries with him.
it must be of great value to him.

I ended up doing the same thing I did more then a year ago...sent a paper lantern out to sea to be forgiven....though I know I wont.

it's selfish to want to be near and yet so far from someone...
I don't want Kai to be hurt, I don't want him to be angry at me.
....he wants me to hold onto my own humanity to help him....
..but it's my humanity that's hurting me the most..

what I wouldn't give for that oblivion of never knowing that I'd wake up to hurt someone....
[a line goes down the page indicating she might've fallen asleep while writeing this]

...again...is it happening again?

people I care about being targeted for my mistakes.
it seems a little too fitting...someone broke into my apartment again..
crashed through the window and knocked me out so I couldn't answer my phone...
then I wake up to this message from Kai...

next thing I know..I'm running as fast as I can...
blinded by my own physical hinderance..
...shapes and forms were all white and irredecent...nothing solid...
I was sure if I ran into a wall I would have fallen right through it...

he wasn't at the bar....I felt...like everything was slowly slipping away...
I thought they took him...I thought......I couldn't think straight...
but...he was alright...injured...I took care of him...at the cost of doing something horrible...to myself...for that is my curse...

I injected something into myself...something I had been testing...so I could try to work more hours without physical problems...It worked...but...sometimes I was talking too fast...I noticed that I wasn't responding to Kai in a better way I should have...and afterwards my mind felt like it was in a dense fog...

on top of that..someone broke the table in the bar...a guy in armor ran in...screaming..."Cleanse the unclean" or something like that...he would have killed Kai...with the state he was in..but..we were lucky...Kai cut across his throat and he fell to the floor..

...after that...I can't quite remember...

It became very dark....very blue...again...

was I walking with Kai? I wanted to make sure he was alright.
did I say something wrong?

....I just remember him looking really angry at me.
then nothing....

...I woke up in this hotel room....I don't have anymore time to spend...I have to get back to the workshop...and hope..

......he's..

[the journal entry ends abruptly.
indicating she probably stopped writeing due to interuption]

....This is bad...really bad...

...Back when I went to Midgar many months ago...it was to kill someone who was hunting me...my Cousin...she had it in her head that everything in her life was my fault..following blindly...Joining ShinRa.

...but I never let her advance...may she rest in peace that burned corpse...

...aparrently...she had a little friend who's now on my tail.
I wondered about this...it was Either him who took the CD's I burned from her phone...I was planning to copy them to my laptop for further analysys to try and edit it...heard another voice in the background..sure if it...

It couldn't have been Ed....unless he has a grudge against me..
he seemed down, hearing it from a regular at the bar, aparrently Sakura is getting married....to some guy..not Ed. this can't be good.

..I asked him back then to send this...."Rai" a note that came spesifically from Tao...it was bloodstained. and alot to ask of Ed who was going to leave ShinRa himself....by the looks they gave each other in the bar....they knew each other. I felt that much...

The bar was busy so I couldn't take time to be scared....the SOLDIER was behind the bar...I made a stupid joke...it could've been him...Tomo...someone else...all I know is...those CD's are gone. and if it's in Rai Yuudai's hands...

...I'm screwed.

....

Turned on the radio for the first time in a while..
..I listened to the SNN report. for once since I killed my first stepmother.
herself a ShinRa news reporter....this broadcast told me a bartender I hired...was impaled by a damn tree...is he dead?

Haven't seen the guy since I hired him due to outer business I had to take care of
....but geeze..impaled...by a mutated tree.


I've done nothing for a large part of today...stared at the celing...
phone hasn't made any noise at all...it either ran out of batteries or i'm uneeded.

....I refuse to sleep...yet all I've done over the past 16+ hours has been hideing under these sheets....I need to go to work today or else i'll get an earful from Dean....I'll get an earful anyways...I don't want to send this report in.

...what the fuck should I say, Hired two bartenders one got impaled recently.
I haven't heard from him since he came in and saw me treating Kai's wounds.

...now i'm just frustrated again...

...my tempature's gone up....I can't afford to have anymore sick days...I'll just bundle up and hide my face...like usual nobody will tell the difference....
..just...be normal...smile...cheery..happy...no matter how you feel..

can't have Kai be pissed off again...
....he doesn't believe I could stop him...that I could help him...
..or does he?

...I don't know anymore...

....I should just give up...

...whatever lifestyle i'm trying to acheive...I can't grasp it...

..whatever i'm trying to acomplish...I've failed...haven't I...
Souma wont come back...no matter how many times I see her....
..no matter how many lives I take...it's not enough to bring her back...

...how worthless am I...that I can't cry in front of anyone I care about...
..Yet I can just break down when they walk away...

..Kai's alive...what about Yuge?

....I don't want to sleep ever again...and sometimes I never want to wake up.

I need to make up my mind.

this is one horrible curse...never burden others with your dispair....
always guard your betters from their fears...
when they have no use for you walk away.

All I can do...is write. fight. and bartend.

....I don't feel even vaguely human anymore....
but I promised...

...and Kai will never know of this....
..I will become worse then what he may go through....
so that I can find a way to save him from this.
then he can live a normal life...with a woman best for him.
who can face him with upmost honesty...instead of deadened lies.
until I am alone...

and then...I can continue searching...for her...
only her...the one I've endured so much torture for.

she will never forgive me. not in a million years.

so I'd best prepare for a million years of pain to bring her back.

The ocean, again...

The waves..

this morning I awoke to....several drunken calls from Kai.
he was alright. that's good....I didn't reply until much later,

I met with my father in the morning, after I told him what I had done,
he was upset. and told me what a pathetic child I was.
...when I tried to tell him I was sorry, he hit me with the butt of his sword...right...in the damn stitches...and told me again;

"You are like a child crying in the rain.
that nobody will want to be around."

The truth that cut me, soon...I'll be alone again.
I know...no matter what happens...
soon Kai...Yuge...Ed....anyone else who follows me...will become sick of this.
and abandon me...for their sakes...I hope they do.

I don't remember a great many things about the past few days.

Hunting someone, outside of Junon...was quite a huge private bounty.
but for one tiny guy...scrawny..glasses...office attire. I don't remember what happened when I approached him. I felt like something was poking my skin...did I..

...I can't believe myself. I didn't realize it until now...
it felt like I was blinded...when I got control back...I was in Midgar, the upper plates. starring at some..joke of a contest...it looked familiar, and I was right when I saw Kai. it was a Mr. Midgar contest...course I told him I was here on business, I'm sure "Oh I probably overdosed on drugs and killed a guy" would have gone over swell with him. ....I like Kai better when he's smiling...not pissed off...I think I'm learning how to make him smile more,

strange thing is...I think I did kill my hunt. Force called me as the contest was going on.... and said the money was transferred...and asked why I sounded so odd when I called in to say the hunt was finished.
the picture was on my phone.

I need to tread cautiously. Kai gave me the means to get back to Junon as fast as possible....once I launder the bounty cash I'll throw it his way. probably either not enough or more then enough for putting up with me.
to fund Force, his grandmother, the bar and all of the employees as well as the suit,
it's just things I have to do...

seeing that contest...gave me goosebumps...especially capturing a glimpse of..

...Kai telling me that....

..why am I still afraid of him?

...so he's alive? big deal.

I paid the price for fighting a first class....the scar on my spine...
my arm being mangled from force of a blade...he apologized...
I shouldn't still feel this way.

Nothing like a hard drink to forget the past.

It's been...less then two weeks since surgery?

...my pelvis hurts...alot...or the whole above region...
I haven't been able to hold anything down, not food...water maybe.
Soda.....I think it's become my source of nutriance.

Went to work again...need to get into contact with Dean again.
fuck. I need to ask him for his phone number...something!
A new face. a new regular...he's blind though.
says he can smell bevrages.....wants to be a bartender...
I'm intrigued....he's a sub-human. I don't mind him.

...I'm calmer around men then I am around women...

...I just...not since Souma...
women are fire..I don't play with that...

there was this...small girl..she seemed...afraid of me?
yet full of questions...
so concerned about every little thing...especially when her...I think they were sibblings? her brother...kinda picked up a scrawny guy and tossed him out of the bar for doing perverted things. I should have done something about it earlier...but her brother moved faster.


after she left, the Brother came back for his bevrage, he was an interesting man...
he told me he was previously from AVALANCHE.but left....that stirred up some unsettling memories...so many unsettling memories...alot of stuff was mentioned...

AVALANCHE,
rebellion.
the bar...the slums...
Gale...is he really still alive?
...

.....

Kenji...I was so close to just...blurting it out....
"I'm from QUAKE. Early AVALANCHE too...left it..I bartended in the bar you co-own."

...I kept it simple. but it was an enjoyable conversation.

again...It left me wishing that I could just...open up to someone...but when I try to...it just pisses them off and makes them think i'm hideing something else.
I can't cry....I can't talk....all I can do is listen...why doesn't someone sew my eyes and lips together?


but like I told Kenji,

If you want to be a free fish....you have to be a boundless one...one that swims with no one..self sufficient. and dead.

right now...holding a hand to my abdomen...I've never felt more like a corpse.
I should have stayed where Esune burried me.

I have learned an important lesson today.

just because one of Force's employees makes a joke about a chainmail bikini and imagineing me in it. it doesn't give me the liberty to hit him upside the head with a hot peice of steel fresh from the oven.

I hate sleeping....it means I get to have dreams..
not dreams...nightmares?

on the airstrip...again...I was falling...Souma was there...I couldn't see her face..
it was burried in Suriel's chest...Kai was running away...Ed was too...

....men in black helmets...
pointing their guns at me....

..when I woke up I punched one of Force's workers....guess it was from the shock and he was testing his new cellphone, flash kinda caught me off guard...

I apologized though I think Force is getting pissed off at me more and more.
I should get him a fruit basket or something for the trouble i've caused him.
Saved his life once...doesn't mean I can keep ragging on him.

he's been a good supplier. a good informant...most I do these days is make sure he's well paid for his time spent.

I've been hit upside the face too many times in the past two days...
nobody was happy with my descion....and I feel happier for it..
I can work...I can fight...without obstruction. I can stand my ground.

have yet to see. or talk to Yuge. he's busy, better busy then unhappy.
...or Kai. or anyone. went back to regular bar work...Force told me he wasn't going to stop me from going back to work so soon...not even a week after surgery.

he just told me I was an idiot and to not call him during gameshow night.
walking back to Junon wasn't so bad...he had one of his workers go with me.
even though I nag on him....if I wasn't paying him to wave his ass at the law he'd be bored...am I even sure about that anymore?

I'll try to be a little easier on him...on anyone...but...it's tough.
there are just some days where I don't want to be easy on anyone who's following me since I've faced alot alone already.....sure...one year isn't very long...it was long enough to change my outlook and priorities. not like things aren't comeing back in a bad way from those experiences either. so I may be followed again...this time by some informants who I screwed over...this was around the time I met Force...

...I took beatings for him. Force screwed up, I took his place. they wanted to cut off his fingers I let them poke holes in my cheeks and...
...well I'm sure it wouldn'tve been any different if I was a man. bisexual bigots.

got a package a while ago...had pictures...forgot they even took pictures while doing it... guess that's what the blinding flash was every few minutes...never wanted to think back to that time...but everything's making me want to now.

...I'll need a bit more information from Ed and Kai next time I speak to them.
customize their prototypes to what their fighting styles are.

the feet aren't a problem since I have their sizes....
studying a few books my Father loaned me after slugging me in the face.
"Ninja shoes" or some such. meant for agility. haste. grip.

on the brighter side....the feaver that's been plagueing me for the last little while...three to four weeks...I guess...has lifted...at least I hope it has. my nose doesn't feel as stuffy, my head isn't clogged with white noise. I can actually think a bit clearer now.

took some time away from both work forces since I was still feeling less then 30% functional..played with two dogs I adopted last year in october just for atmosphere and to keep moral up around the safehouse, Huskies..Shasta and Shadow. hadn't had much time to play with them since I returned to Junon, but in a way they seem to understand, Force's employees give them more then enough attention...heh...though they never mind cuddling up next to ma' when she's feeling down.

i'll return to bar work again tomorrow if I can.

I've looked over a few applications that had been sent in, though it seems nothing of interest has shown up aside from the women who have tit sizes bigger then their heads. I'm still concidoring hireing Kai. though I need to talk to Dean before he blows another gasket, again every damn blue moon.

...

......

after looking at this page five times I don't think I can easily say i'm not scatterbrained, from one subject to the next.

[This entry is incredibley poorly written. as if she couldn't keep her hand straight]

Just woke up

first thing I saw....Force's ugly mug.....

we're in the safe house

mid section hurts.

surgery never gets easier.

need to go back to work...but I can barely stand up...

not going to use crutches...I need to get back...

make sure nothing's happend....

everyone...better be alright....

...why the hell am I thinking of that guy's face...?

....Illian Larkham...Larkham...

...the same name...as the mobster said...I've seen this blonde man...two times...

is he dangerous?...

drugs tell me no...brain says no...he seemed really fruity.

...told Force....he made jazzhands...still making jazzhands...

..going to go punch him...probably fall over...

Working nonstop over the past few days..after I left my safehouse yesterday to go visit Force, he shook me and asked why the hell I wasn't making any sense...

...I never realized it but I was saying things that I didn't catch.

....shit I hope I didn't seem this way to Kai or Ed if they asked me something.


I left Force to his own devices after asking him about the bar shipments, since he was busy watching his favorite TV show with his colleague's...but I did ask about replaceing apartment windows and he said his repair guy would show up on tuesday.



A few days ago...a mobster...I guess is what you'd call it...was going to fight Kai, I was there with him, but instead the Mobster got shot by a sniper...then disapeared on a tugboat after telling Kai the information he needed...after that...

....

......

...I can't remember..it's like a giant gap....I remember afterwards...coming out of my safe house....nothing inbetween the mobster and the safehouse...

this can't be good...

..the ultrasound came back today......

...It's...

..........
[The page ends here]

...I hate dresses...skirts are nothing but trouble....

the black sun syndicate...like ShinRa..just people doing this jobs...I wasn't afraid.
why wasn't I afraid? ...there's nothing they could do to me that I would be afraid of...torture....rape...blackmail..degradation..embarassment beyond belief...to hurt my other friends, my family....

why are other people afraid of something happening to me? they should watch their own backs...yet no matter how much I tell them that....they still regret heavily..
though for now i'll abide and lay low for a while...

...Ed is going to be hurt severely, tetering on the edge of safety and the hazard.

Kai is sleeping with his eyes open...in a figuritve sense....rifle in his arms...
...it's...not scary to see him like this anymore...it's odd..
earlier...far earlier..he looked as though he was going to die from his nerves...

...and now he's....

...it's just like before....factions...enemies...him working for a suit....
...someone is going to get hurt again..

at least my investors are happy...those old bastards would be after what I was wearing....problem was going to sector 2 to meet them in the first place and afterwards...

...this "Rassk"...knows my name.
I had better keep that memorized....it doesn't suit a problem as long as it doesn't show up one...even if they come up to me and break my fingers without asking.
they go after the customers...still not much of a problem. if someone wants an alchoholic bevrage some spandex wearing lizzard or lion in a bowler hat isn't going to stop them.


...they're still watching me....waiting for me to make a move...
to take another life...to guilt and berate me for it...

...sometimes I wonder if I should tell Kai about this...

though I creep him out enough...

...best not to mention to him while i'm writeing this one ugly motherfucker with his dislocated jaw and eye hanging out is stareing at me from across the room...

...was his fault...he drew his blade first.

Very quiet.....the waves make me feel at peace.

sitting at the docks, reading the book Sen gave me...it's..odd but interesting.

"There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds

Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh"

the moral seems to be..... as happiness grows, so does guilt.
it makes me understand why I could not rest easy..
..after all that's happend in the last three months.

No more sleep. no more nightmares...I seem to be doing better, regardless of Aoi's complaints about my health. gave myself another haircut...took a shower...the black of my hair bled out down the drain...I asked Aoi and she was just as confused as I was.

...I dont even remember when my hair started turning white...she said people's hair can turn gray from extreme psychological unwellness....but never white...and i'm doing pretty good, so I can't figure it out...

...I called Force and asked him but he told me to stop calling him while he was betting with his co-workers on a gameshow...something is seriously wrong with him. though i'm nobody to judge.

Back to work...paperwork...material work.
I need to get Ed and Kai's shoe size. or at least their measurements if I could.
after the embarassment before Kai might refuse...though maybe he would still help... as long as I say he can keep his clothes on.


[OOC note: PS. I hate you Kiba. :> XD]

[Scrawled notes all over]
This is getting out of hand...
..I need to get a new syringe...a new vial..same drug...

same as the one Kai smashed...
..withdrawl is getting worse and worse....

every time I look around a corner..I see..a glimmer of someone I knew...
when I turn around something's behind me....
...it gets dark...so I can only see them....it wasn't so bad before the withdrawl...

..now it's everywhere...I can't face them.
Souma...Zephyr...Tao...No-Name...Kain..Esune...Freyja....my..mom...
the cries of children.....these faces....these bodies...these sounds....keep haunting me...

..even in the apartment....I was so scared I locked myself in the bathroom because I couldn't stop throwing up and crying..this isn't a part of being pregnant...I know that much....I couldn't even reach my phone outside of the room until I woke up this morning....

....just wait...

..be patient.......

....I promise....i'll...avenge you....

...so stop it.....don't follow me anymore...

...please.

------------------

[Further down there's a bit more writeing
seems more solidified]

My bar regulars are weird...
Had a shot..I think i'm okay now...still a little bit of visionary problems.

seems a...fruity guy and ...I dunno it looked like an MP but the armor was black..
I don't know who those are...

then Sen, a MP Cadet who's become a regular, walked in and gave me a copy of Loveless...it's a book of Poems...I..guess we talked a bit before about it. I don't really ever have time to go see a movie..or do stuff like that...

last thing I did on free time was go with my step-brothers to the arcade and helped them win a couple of those weird SOLDIER dolls..or action figures as they complained back...Got Kira and Sin since those were their favorites, Lau keeps discourageing me against encourageing their fanboying. but the best I can do is try to hold them back from running to the front Desk of ShinRa tower asking to see a SOLDIER 1st class or some bullshit.

back onto Sen....I may have to be concerned. I've got another stalker...or so it looks, someone who wants to know more about me the more I tell him to go away. hard enough not to laugh at the guy...almost took him up on the offer. but every moment I have to spare is working on those suits...and keeping close eye on as much information as I can get....about Souma....

it...hurt to talk so frankly with a regular customer...maybe it's just a side effect of the drugs...I just like to keep people at arms length...means they can't hurt me and I can't hurt them.

...on top of that...I remembered a dream I had...after being scared sick...

we were on the landing strip...helmets everywhere...dead bodies...everywhere...
Kai was...standing at the edge, he was going to fall off....he fell...I ran but the strip kept getting longer....and longer...

...is this the calm before the storm?

It's been three months...seven days.
since me and Yuge met up again, and I tried to become something I wasn't.

only thing I did today. was accept the application of a bartender, Tomo. I will have to wait to hear what Dean has to say.

...what could he say?
the bar is becomeing more busy. as am I. it couldn't. wouldnt. hurt to have another bartender apart from Sparkles Dean and Myself. Tomo seems well dedicated enough.
I'll observe. and see how this goes.

...Kai...I think Dean would have a heart attack if I hired him. I need to solidify contact information with Dean so I can send him those reports. I don't even know if he gets them or not. its a giant damn blue moon when he shows up.
I'd like to hire Kai, though I don't want to make it appear as if it's a conflict of interest. I view Kai as another me from this perspective. sure he doesn't hit the mark every time but he's good at what he does. he can fight, and he can serve drinks. bouncer and bartender in one. what more can you ask for?

and he's unique. ....maybe i'm looking at this from a military point of view.
last year is still pretty raw on me...these past few months have been an escape,
once the noise starts. I may lose everything I've come to know in the past two years.

I wont regret it.

Kai had burns,
Dean is angry at me,

why?

I did what I did back at the old bar....
..I would preform surgery on...MYSELF, and nobody would give a shit.
I do it in a fancy Junon bar, Dean and his mother who's inhabiting his brain ge-..

...what did I just write?

the more I look back I keep wondering why I write down all this trivial information?
...girls my age are...what? going to college?
haveing boyfriends? working menial jobs. not careing about killing?

I'm insensitive. i'm unkind...I do what I have to...to survive.
why did I instinctively try to help Kai?

...he was fine...

..i'm not his damn mother...

Dean overeacted. how does he want everything to be so damn perfect?

does he actually think there's no hazard in things being too clean?
you get too soft and aren't able to handle toxic life.
NOBODY in the bar has died yet. sure they've ordered strong drinks,
but those were police rookies. they can handle being knocked off their feet.
...."Are you trying to get us shut down?"

....Azure and Yuge let me do whatever I damn wanted when I worked in the bar back in Midgar...but back then they were different man and I just didn't have to give a shit. I was a rookie to their eyes. nothing harmful.

....now we're upstanding citizens in a military city...

scary...scary...
I do what's best for the bar not what's best for who owns it.
I get fired. there's no problem...I'll go back to searching......
and give up this charade...Souma is my only concern...

I have to finish these suits.

It was..really busy two days ago....
but...yesterday...someone broke the apartment window...

an assassin...sent for me.

this wasn't like the guys before...not randomly hired...
but they wanted their pressense known...
If I didn't have a gun around for testing amunition for Kashido...
I was pinned...it was close..I didn't have a choice...
gun to the head....knife to the groin...

..hah...sounds like a woman's self defense class.

...a bit of my hair returned to it's natural color in the back...blood's still on my hair...Ed's still with that cat chick. Kai is the same as ever...as is Yuge.....
I don't know why...but when I think about this...any of this...

Kai...Yuge....Kashido..Ed...Sakura....work...my skin burns....it feels like there's fire...under my skin....Aoi told me, it might be normal to have a rosier face...but this isn't rosieness. MY SKIN feels like IT'S BURNING alive.

...I'll try..I dunno taking a bath with ice cubes....maybe...maybe this is withdrawl...I've felt this since Kai smashed my syringe...

I've started to have bad nosebleeds...but that's normal.

so much bank work I had to file and make sure was alright for the bank.
I need to hear back from Dean but I'm not sure how to reach him quickly.
phone number and adress aren't working as quickly as I wished it would.
I'm not the most model employee ever. I just want him to understand I'd like his imput on these things as well even if it's as simple as hireing someone. I'll give it another day then call back to those applicants. pray for good results.

....on top of the burning skin...the nosebleeds...seeing things...seeing faces...people who've died...I've got a nasty cough...throat feels sore too...been feeling sore ever since....Kai....

....

.......
...........

[Page ends with no more writeing]

...so..I think the kids still alive.
nothing like leaning on your side and feeling something punch you in the...
everything.

this week's been nothing but trouble.
Step-mother threw the shot glasses I gave her in my face...
had to pull the glass out of my skin.

replaced the ceiling tiles in the bar to make sure that things worked fine....
and later...had to change my bandages, but didn't want to...though Kai knew and threatened me to the point of actually bringing in a car battery and chains if I didn't change the bandages....geeze...I don't need them anymore....just...kinda hurts in the way of what's to come....I've been running from and to work. I'm exhausted...but it's keeping me in shape...in case...I ever need to run after Kai again.....

...didn't help he could shoot me with tranq's....

...take deep breaths....

anyways...

I've met so many interesting people Today....
and I think...I found someone who I could trust to tend the bar...
maybe..he's kinda...a blue tiger...by the name of Tomo.

I get...odd vibes looking at him, reminds me of Kain. if he was Younger....and Blue.
got real energy. go getter. seemed to be worried about his courage..but that didn't deter him from showing off some cool tricks....

he manipulates ice as well..and by Manipulate I mean he controls it perfectly..
..or so it seems....
....I'm going to have to find out how soon I can get Dean to contact me back on this. there's an awful lot I need to speak to Dean about. it's just finding some times when he's in Junon that's the problem...I wont worry about it too much...
I should probably go home, get some sleep..it's two in the morning..

Kai hasn't shown up, not Ed. or Sakura.
no Yuge....no Kashido...

...okay maybe I was wrong. Ed and Sakura showed up....

....just the usual stuff....
Ed seemed to be doing alright. better then he had previous days...
..and which followed...I don't know what Sakura was talking about..
mostly sounded like a incident between pilots and a SOLDIER. and...elevator troubles, she had a bad hangover...I don't know why but...so many things are reminding me of Souma these days...Sakura is one of them.

her attitude...rebelliousness, stubborn...

...

I look around the bar and feel content. I don't ever want to have to leave this place behind again...this place of solace. sure it gets crazy...and sometimes I have to bleed and die to protect it and it's patrons....it makes me exhausted beyond words...but I love it.

I feel like I've made it this time...instead of stumbling to my feet I'm done with climbing the ladder. now it's my turn to help others climb that ladder.

Went..home...

....it's not home....

...it's just rooms.....an empty..apartment...furniture can't breathe or talk...

...smells like blood...

..I want to go back to the bar...

...but i'm so tired....

..it hurts to move...

...i've been sleeping...since I got here....

...breathing is harder...every breath I take is like stabbing myself with a knife...

.....I don't want to see a doctor...
..I don't need their smug faces....

"You better do this"
"You better do that"
"Don't fight me"
"Don't move"
"My opinion is better then yours because your just a scumwater civillian"

...a "highly educated doctor" is just another word...
......for physical molester and verbal berator...

I don't need them doing background checks....
...I don't even know if my ID card still works...
..I'll try going back to the bar tomorrow...

...my shoulder's bleeding again....



...wonder if Kai would be pissed off if I called him....

...probably.....

...i'll give him his space and try to sleep for now...change the sheets tomorrow...

...hope Yuge doesn't find me like this..
....oh how he'd love to bitch....
"Why are the sheets coverd in blood?"
"Why are you injured?"
"Who do I get to shoot?"


.head...fucking...hurts...
...don't need him yelling at me...

...don't need the stress...

....maybe i'll spam Force's cell...Number...I need...someone.....fuh-

[Ekiri's pen writeing is horrible. indicating she can't use her right hand very well out of strain]

Can't sleep...

...images flashing through my head...
I didn't experience them...but they are there...

...words I've never heard...ringing through my ears..

...I fought with him...and lost...I'm cut up...my head hurts...
he's lying close to me...at least the barman...knows to keep his distance...

"You know..he always liked you.."

...him walking into the bar...
....straddling my sides....

"And yet... you treat me just as she treats him...No wonder hes pissed off all the time!"

..who...what...was that...I can't..think properly...

...fire...I remember..the fire...was..he on fire?

...I just...feel..so tired...but I can't sleep...
these wounds are treated...yet they sting as though they were made seconds ago...

....can't...break the cat lady's fingers....i'll let her be...for now..

I'm not scared....
..this pain can be forgotten....

...why...do I like this..?

..the laughter...the pain...not haveing control..
...control of what's done to me....

..my fingers...cut...
...my throat hurts...my lungs hurt...
....my shoulder is shredded....
...my legs are like jelly...


....

......

........

...I feel like my skin is on fire....

....
......

[a long pen mark goes down the page and that is the end of this entry]

I should have become a counclier not a bartender.

hah...fat load that would be.

....
......I'm...increasingly worried,
reguarding what Kai has been like over the past few days...
feeling the weight of him against me...crying...
is he scared...?
...he told me that bottling my emotions would drive me crazy...
....I made sure to let him know, i'm well beyond that by now..
...It's not like me to let everything out...I hate women who do that...
who pry, who just fall apart...and yet here I am slowly tearing to peices...
I'd like to tell someone...anyone...about everything...everything I endured last year...to have an outsiders opinion on it...what they see me as now...
but if I tell anyone...I don't think anything will change....maybe they'll be afraid of me. or laugh at me...thinking what i'm saying is fake...everything I've pushed to the back of my mind is coming forwards...and...

....
.......
......... [scribbled over no legible words here followed by the next paragraph]

on another side....Ed.
this will become a grave concern if he turns on me and Kai.
I don't know Kai's entire feelings on this,
but the information on the suit stays between us three.
Ed is becomeing attached to a cat lady.
overall I do intend to believe "Good for him" after all he's been through.
though he appears to have snapped at Kai over the subject of Kai perposely hurting her. where is the evidence of this? I wont get into their personal buisness...
Even though Ed is a dear friend. I don't want to hear of his affectionate kitty spreading rumors about said suit all around. if it comes to that I may just have to make Ed hate me more then he is angry at Kai.

whatever happend between those three, Ed, the cat. and Kai. stays between them.
but this suit. ties into my work. and my work. is of the upmost importance.
I wont tollerate this going to shambles. not today. not tomorrow. never.
I ....swore...I would do anything...
to get this sick son of a bitch.
a knife in his back.
my hands around his throat.

I wont hold back...
everything his men have done to me.
and what he might have done to Souma...even if it was her corpse.

...there will be no mercy to those who get in my way.



Ed.
...You better be smarter then I think you are right now.
I remember his attitude back in Midgar...the pretty ferret...the rabbit.
it was dangerous once their friends showed up. be. fucking. cautious.

if this romance turns dangerous.
as dangerous as then.
I will not pull punches.
if it comes to this.
you had better not pull any either.

life has dealt you a variaty of cards,
getting laid is fine....
haveing a lover is fine....
when it ruins a finely laid plan....

I noticed she had a wound previously on her neck....
was that, why Ed and Kai had a disagreement?

....I would definately like to see how Ed would react if one of her fingers,
hands. arms. limbs...were broken. even a tooth would suffice. to get the message across. it may seem cruel...

but it doesn't matter for now.

I will cross that bridge if I come to it.

I don't think there's too many ways I could describe how disgusting I am....

I'm not worth being with....
..Ed....Kai...they're friends....what are friends?
Yuge is....my fiance...I don't even know what that word means....

I just..smile...and go along with it....
anything to survive right?

looking back about what I've wrote..
the only thing I know...is to be afraid of surviveing...
afraid of dying....I don't want to die...I don't want to live either.
it's pain that drives me to one or the other.

Kai told me about a different source of energy for the suits....
Hydrogen Fuel cells....they could work....power muscle fibres in the suit.
form it to the body, enhance the user's muscles make them go at max....

what I've learned...humans never use their full strength, even after rigerous training and battle....to get that extra 50...30....20...even 10%.
but it could be dangerous...again...becomeing burned out physically may leave the user more scarred then imagineable, humans....mortals don't use their full strength for one huge reason..so that they have enough strength to survive healing.... I'm worried. what if the suit doesn't work like these writeings say they should? what if everything I've learnt isn't enough?

this suit could kill the wearer instead of protect it....
...after..I bandaged Kai up...again...
he hugged me....his collarbone was broken...other things were broken...
he was angry....his hands were bruised...what happend to him!?

is this what it's like for others to look at me when i'm like that?
I...didn't want him to see, but I...took another injection..
I made sure to ask Aoi about this "Injection" i keep taking....it didn't seem to effect the baby...but she couldn't tell for sure..it's begun to move, slowly...so either it's a bloated corpse in my womb...or it's alive, I'm in my Second trimester now..but Aoi is worried that nothing is progressing well...she yelled at me...
"Your stomach should be twice as big as it is now! the baby is going to be squished to death!"

.....

..........
............
I just...don't have an apetite anymore for anything....
anything I eat I just feel like throwing it back up again...

all I want to do is work and work and work...

worst of all...I keep seeing things...Every time i'm walking alone..
I think i'll see Souma walking around the corner...when I run as fast as I can..
she isn't there....

dreams turning into nightmares...I see her...shaking me, screaming at me....
I can't tell what she's saying. I can't even look her in the eye....
I miss her so much.....
I don't want to believe it...I don't..ever....

maybe it's the injection...maybe it is a hallucinogenic drug...
it quells my pain...but it doesn't mess with me aside from these visions...
and these nightmares...i'm afraid to go to sleep...
and be able to hear what she's saying....I'm afraid....
that Souma will just tell me she hates me....that I shouldn't have ever
lead my life into a ditch for her....but...I couldn't help it if I tried...
I...would give my life...not for honor...
but for her, Souma deserved at least that much.

I bet if she read this she'd probably hit me upside the head for sounding weird.
....

.........
............

I need to leave this subject for the moment...either way...

...this is the second time i'm watching Kai sleep....
i'm just sitting at the windowsil, watching the people below....
it's five in the morning now.

He's so fragile...
...one of the things me and Kai have in common....aside from being comrades....
is that we're both monsters, and do what we have to do to survive.
we feed off each other for energy to keep us going.....

As long as we have "loyalty to the end," there's no point in believing
in anything... even in those we love...

I think I understand him a bit more now.