These past few weeks had been incredibly enjoyable,
though I hope the same for Kai.
he's gotten some mobility back but he's still wrought with chest pain.

I have gotten the test results back, but I haven't looked at them;
I'm going to wait until Kai is one hundred percent healed before telling him.

I know he's been irritated that he's had to spend so much downtime,
though I've found it a bit enjoyable just living a regular life..
the huskies don't seem to mind him, then again they've been incredibly lazy since they moved to the apartment. I've been able to work on my cooking agian, Kai's proven it's not a health violation anymore and actually edible, though wouldn't hurt to brush up now and again..

Yesterday I was contacted by someone I did modeling for a few years ago,
I was a bit self concious seeing as how I had lost the rest of my arm...
but they said that was no problem.

This seems just to be alot of fun.

...but i'm wondering if this is really alright?
I think back to when me and Kai first met, frought with dicipline and training, we were made to fight not enjoy life...Kai wants to fight more, and I just..don't know what I want to do anymore, I have a daughter...I might be having Kai's child.
I might just be going back to being just a girl. but at the same time I want to, and don't want to.

I don't know how to put this into proper words,
Kai's asleep now but maybe i'll ask him later if he minded that..i'm doing such weird things, N-Not the pornography stuff I don't do that anymore.

Just...modeling clothes...having fun dancing. doing that stuff.

I want Kai to have fun too, trouble is just finding out what he wants to do.

These past few days were a blur,
Kai calling, injured again, I had to take his bike to get him off of the tracks, nearly got crashed into by a train...shot some guy's face clean in half while I was treating Kai, then was able to move him after he stablized to my apartment, he wasn't happy but I gave him a dartboard and some knives and told him to go nuts, I've had to replaster that wall more times than I can remember so I didn't mind if there were a few knife marks.

I tried to make sure he ate food that was actually good for him instead of his requests for either coffee or booze, coffee yes, but booze would be an uncertianty until he healed, of course on my part I promised him i'd go without booze too,

it was a difficult feat, especially after being stalked by so many weird people on my way home, just made going home more worth it. they stopped after I reached the train station so it wasn't a problem...it's something you get in the slums if you're good looking I guess....people were calling me cute, and kid...

Should I start dressing my age?

strange...I used to dress older and sexier when I was seventeen,
but now that i'm twenty I just want to dress more cuter,

But at least I have a reason! ...that I probably caught from Kai,
It's so cold out~ it shouldn't be a problem that I want to wear a big fluffy sweater.

It might have even saved me,
while I was riding the train back to the upper plate Kaname was there, and so was an odd person. Kaname didn't seem to think I was a jerk anymore but she certainly was acting like one. I found the odd person somewhat intrigueing, parts of me wondered if he had Mako poisoning. it wasn't unusual for the sums, but then again alot of things weren't unusual for Midgar,

like gun fights breaking out on the train.
Kaname was shot, and police in black armour entered the train.
I barely saw any of this, holding my hat over my eye, my fear is probably what kept me from being shot. when I lifted it again the windows had been shot, civillians were scared...and dead. they detached the back cart where boxes were kept. I darted over to Kaname to help her, but I couldn't do much more of anything than stop the bleeding, it was mortifying, sitting in that dark cart, trying to keep Kaname from passing out or going into shock, I was almost prepared to put Kaname on my back and run down the tracks, but the ShinRa officers in black returned, followed shortly by some other regularily dressed officers, they assured all of the civillians that help was on the way. doing all measures to calm down the panicked civillians,
...I wonder if it seemed suspicious that I wasn't panicked out of my mind,

I didn't like being that close to ShinRa officers thats for sure, the uniforms...just made me more uncomfortable, I tried to focus on Kaname instead.
I had little to nothing to say, so many years ago I would have cut all these people down without concern, they were out to hurt me, I guess it's something you don't let rest easy, but I think i'm doing okay, i'm living a normal life right?

When we were able to get off the train, the first thing I did was stay with Kaname until she was able to find a decent place to get some rest, then I returned to Kai being freaked out, I...uh...forgot to call him. that's wonderful. but I think I made it up to him ..tenfold...no, a millionfold on what he requested.

...fucking embarassing that was.

I decided to take a day off work, since they forced me to work in the rain...and I put on a cute face and danced when I went into office the next morning, they didn't seem to mind that I did since it wasn't as busy was it was going to be.

looks like today i'm getting my results back on...troubling things,
I'll have to share the results with Kai and promptly watch his face either turn to stone or be relieved.

I got shot in the ass.
statement of the year, definately.

Wasn't Kai though, a rubber bullet,

I refused some pervert sub-human's offer for...
man that's mean...maybe I am a jerk,
but I refused his offer to help.

I had my worries, so when me and Kai stopped by a bar...he had to carry me,
since both my legs were jostled from nerve damage.
I called Aoi, and she told me something unsettling, all of that jostling around could have undone her second rate tubal ligation she did after Setsuna was born.

I...blundered out a responce to Kai when he wanted to know what I meant by reversed,
he walked out...I expected him to run away;
Kai is many things,
he's brave.
he's cocky.
he's thoughtful.
he respects my opinion.

...he's there.
and teaches me to stand for myself.
..he taught me how to stand for myself.

but when I think of father material, I don't know what to think of.

If I ever loved Yuge, that love turned to hate when he rejected my ideas.
and told me to be a housewife while he went out on adventures, never calling never asking how I was doing while pregnant, dropping by every few months to get wasted.
it was like having an ungreatful brother.

I wondered when Kai walked out the bar doors; "For air"
"If I can't make this work, then I can't make anything work."

I felt sad when I previously thought that I'd never be able to give him a child,
or a family, or a chance at being a father,
then flooding thoughts came in that he hated children, and hated the prospect of being a father...that he was too young in experience to be one, he wasn't ready...
how do you build experience like that?

having an abortion at seventeen after that incident, made me feel worthless, it's why I never wanted to look Kai in the face, ....I always...wanted my first time to go to someone I loved. instead it went to something I had to fight without reason for so long.

but after having Setsuna, and leaving Yuge,
I think i'm slowly putting that behind me.

Looking back on the last hundred pages of this Journal,
half of it being a convinient lie to Yuge,

I don't regret it.
it was fun.

I'd like to have as much fun as I can before it slows down.
even if I get shot, even if I get yelled at.
most importantly...I want to have fun with Kai, the kind of fun that'll make him smile.

Because our happiness has been most important to me.
it has been for seven years.

This morning was incredibly long.

waiting for the train that only came into station at morning.
it was so cold...I should have worn a sweater but it was such nice weather today.

saw Kaname again, she seemed much happier.

...but I also ran into Kashido,
there was nobody in the rebellion I felt I could be real with, except Kashido.
when I talked to him I felt like I could be me, not what I was pretending to be.
and he didn't judge me for that, it's the same feeling I get from Kai.

Kashido feels like an older brother at times, he scolds me when I don't take care of myself, and brings himself to my level when i'm losing it to calm me down.

he did that this evening, but I was losing it because it was a long day...
and I thought that Yuge had sent him to spy on me, I'm so paranoid of all this,
what if, what if Yuge sends someone to stalk my every movement?
what if Yuge sends someone to steal Setsuna from me?

....getting back to Force's place, I apologized to him and the rest by bringing back some Kalm speciality pastries I know they liked, I didn't get back there until one PM, it was a hell of a long journey.

Setsuna was crying when I came in, she recognized her mom immidiately and started to giggle and pull at my wig, Kai was dead asleep but that didn't stop him from smearing blood on her forhead, or so Yulia told me.

Setsuna doesn't have to be in an isolation case anymore, Aoi told me early yesterday, her vitals had sorted themselves out, after a year of having to watch her and interact with her in a jar, I can hold her like I did when she was born, she'll be able to grow up normally...as long as nothing else hinders her life.

when Setsuna settled down I went to go find Kai, like he told me on the phone he was asleep, or trying to pretend he was, the moment I laid down next to him he put his arms around me, I could smell the alchohol on his breath but I didn't mind,
he must have been quasi awake..I could hear mumurs of "Hangover city.." coming from him, I just burried my face in his chest and tried to go to sleep.

I was lucky enough to wake up while he was still there,

if I actually cared about Yuge, maybe that's what I found so irritating...
I'd go months, weeks, who knows if we stuck together years without hearing from him.
and then he'd waltz back expecting everything to be fine without so much as a phonecall.

Even if he's drunk, at least Kai tried to communicate with me,
instead of ignoring me for his job...or ignoring me because something was bothering me.

now I need to work on what I can do for him...aside from sexual favors. *Small irrtated face in the corner*

Speaking to Kenji's sister brought alot of odd things in perspective;
I made a choice and im happy about it.
even if nobody else is.

Is this what a mother's life is?
constant struggle between yourself, the people you love;
and the creature you gave birth to?

I wish I knew but there are no easy answers...
well there's one easy answer; Yuge is a fucking creep.

but looks like I'll have to keep a closer eye on things.
I wonder what Kai thinks, I want to know...
what does he want out of our relationship?
it's past farther than me just oweing my life to him,
I have to start devoting my life to raising a child...
I get..a feeling thats scaring him away.
he was okay with it at first but now it's just a source of uncomfortableness.

Maybe I've been too soft with him, too hard and he'll just get angry and.....
then he'll lose it again. and then I'll lose him.

why can't living a normal life just be easy?

Some days I wonder if my lust and desire is overshadowing my position as a parent.
seeing Yuge, Seeing Kai. brought back everything I had been ignoring. pushing away.
I work as hard as I can, I spend time with her every day, even my own child seems to be mocking me.

....Yuge scoffed so hard at me saying "My job as a mother"
so hard I felt that it was true. that it was a lie. I wasn't doing my best.

Yesterday, looking at Kai, I realized...maybe he wasn't as enthusiastic about this as I thought.

Easing in has only served to push him farther away...are we partners anymore?
or just fuck-buddies? ...I get in his way. I get hurt. I'm useless. and pathetic.

...always waiting for someone to rescue me.
no matter how I try to defy that nature.
I always end up going back to it.
I don't have or want the effort to do these things anymore.
and I don't want to settle down.

No matter how strong I get,
I'm not match for those arms that just melt all my troubles away.

what an amazing Mother I am...

Kai wont stop lying to me, I guess that's a given for how much I lied to him.
his eye -IS- acting up...maybe that's why I'm so nervous...from what that side of him said before.

All it does is point out what I can't do, what he can't do. theres still a large border between us where he wont tell me if I ask.
he doesn't understand that no matter what he does I'd love him regardless. . . .if this becomes a larger problem and I can't stop it.

I don't think I'll ever get married,
No white dress...staring becomingly at someone I'd share my life with.

Kai told me to cut down on my drinking...I think that was just in public stuff..
doesn't mean I can't go home and get hammered until I can't feel my feet.
this is a depressing morning....even if I'm satisfied and I'm sure I satisfied him.

When I woke up today my head was pounding, and hips hurting.
then I realized I woke up next to Kai, worse things could have happened.

Spent the earlier evening drowning what self pity I had left in a few doezen glasses of wine...good year and color too, how the hell did I get past the guards at the train station? I know they were there when I arrived, oh well.

I was just lucky to have ran into Kai..I guess.
and if he went to sleep with me that means

1) I didn't try to kill him.

2) He didn't try to kill me.

3) I probably cried in front of him.

4) I was probably too intoxicated to say no to whatever position is making me ache all over.

note to self go pick up more tylenol later,

Going back to sleep before Kai wakes up and doesn't want me cuddling him.