July 12th Entry Fifty-Seven

"Don't apologize for something you can't control"
It's become a hypocritical saying for me...

apologies hold no weight...as much as they are non existant..
what does it mean?

..I don't understand...
stareing at this symbolic object of affection...it doesn't mean anything to me..because I never understood it's meaning in the first place...
in books...a woman is overjoyed by the prospect of marriage....
in reality no such joy exists for those who don't understand it.
combat and failure were my teachers. they spoke nothing of "love" or "Conciquence"
and yet I fell into the same trap over and over...acting like nothing's the matter.

maybe I have to learn these things...maybe it's something that can't be learned.
I guess I just wont learn it then.

Hope Ed and Kai are alright...tried to check in on them a couple of times though it was always when they were sleeping...at least I think they were....Kai's eyesight is pretty good in the dark I think that's why he didn't try to attack me when I came into the apartment a few times to just check on Ed's health status.

I hate my process of wearing complicated wigs....at least I stopped stitching them into my hairline...last wig I wore...the long black one, had glass and blood dregged into it. it was a nightmare to remove.

I need to return to the bar.