Some days I wonder if my lust and desire is overshadowing my position as a parent.
seeing Yuge, Seeing Kai. brought back everything I had been ignoring. pushing away.
I work as hard as I can, I spend time with her every day, even my own child seems to be mocking me.

....Yuge scoffed so hard at me saying "My job as a mother"
so hard I felt that it was true. that it was a lie. I wasn't doing my best.

Yesterday, looking at Kai, I realized...maybe he wasn't as enthusiastic about this as I thought.

Easing in has only served to push him farther away...are we partners anymore?
or just fuck-buddies? ...I get in his way. I get hurt. I'm useless. and pathetic.

...always waiting for someone to rescue me.
no matter how I try to defy that nature.
I always end up going back to it.
I don't have or want the effort to do these things anymore.
and I don't want to settle down.

No matter how strong I get,
I'm not match for those arms that just melt all my troubles away.

what an amazing Mother I am...

Kai wont stop lying to me, I guess that's a given for how much I lied to him.
his eye -IS- acting up...maybe that's why I'm so nervous...from what that side of him said before.

All it does is point out what I can't do, what he can't do. theres still a large border between us where he wont tell me if I ask.
he doesn't understand that no matter what he does I'd love him regardless. . . .if this becomes a larger problem and I can't stop it.

I don't think I'll ever get married,
No white dress...staring becomingly at someone I'd share my life with.

Kai told me to cut down on my drinking...I think that was just in public stuff..
doesn't mean I can't go home and get hammered until I can't feel my feet.
this is a depressing morning....even if I'm satisfied and I'm sure I satisfied him.

When I woke up today my head was pounding, and hips hurting.
then I realized I woke up next to Kai, worse things could have happened.

Spent the earlier evening drowning what self pity I had left in a few doezen glasses of wine...good year and color too, how the hell did I get past the guards at the train station? I know they were there when I arrived, oh well.

I was just lucky to have ran into Kai..I guess.
and if he went to sleep with me that means

1) I didn't try to kill him.

2) He didn't try to kill me.

3) I probably cried in front of him.

4) I was probably too intoxicated to say no to whatever position is making me ache all over.

note to self go pick up more tylenol later,

Going back to sleep before Kai wakes up and doesn't want me cuddling him.

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