[teardrops are messed aroung this entry, splaying the ink around, combined with horrible writeing technique indicating she was shaking while writeing this]


...he wont tell me anything...

nobody will....
i'm self obsorbed and self centered...
is this what I was searching for?
when did I lose sight of what I was doing...searching for Souma..
then it turned into Searching for Souma's killer...
now what am I doing? I'm running out of leads....
rumors on where he is..nothing ever accurate.

every other day...another fight with Yuge...

"Where were you last night?"

"wounded again!?"

"Ekiri think of where i'm standing for a change!"

....there..were people in the bar, I was happy...
at the very least...it was still there. and Kai was there...

afterwards a creature appeared outside....it reminded me...of myself,
as we fought it, it was falling apart...exposed from the inside out,
being lit aflame by those who dispise it, trying it's hardest...just to survive..
when nobody will accept it...no matter how much it hurts..by merely existing,
it goes against everything people are taught in this day....

and yet it melted away...like everything else...

[a flurry of teardrops messed up a few scratched out paragraphs with ink running down the page]


....worthless...

I make myself sick....
..I make others sick...

I probably make Yuge sick as well....

everyone keeps saying..."If your hurting..tell someone who cares about you"

...well..what if everyone who cares about me...tells me...they'd rather not hear it.
I wish...I could talk to Yuge...or Kai about...anything...
but all I get is..."Forget it" "Don't bring it up"
the same old excuse over and over again "I care about your feelings yet I don't want to hear that you've been suffering." ....

..the bar smells like rotting flesh...because of that monster.
because of me.

...

.....

......

[ink stained down to the bottom of the page where in very small writeing]

I want to go drown myself...maybe the water would help...

[Additional writeing to the next page indicating more was added on]

...I'm angry...more furious then I've ever felt.
all I do..is go..fight...and hurt.
if nobody will talk to me...if I have nobody....I can tell these worries to...

..

.....

....

I will become stronger.
so I never have to feel this way again.

[Blood from Ekiri biting her lip dripped onto the page]

If Kai wont talk to me....
when he heals up...I'll ask..

No. I'll demand that he spar with me, like he used to....
I wont lose. I don't care what it takes...

I gave up my life to search for Souma, to search for this killer and now I am going to end it. all of this...

...ALL OF THIS false sympathy can go fuck itself.

I admire the strength of those around me but as long as I keep dragging myself down I am never going to grow beyond this. child or not.

who stands with me stands with me.
and those who stand against me will either kill me or I WILL KILL THEM.
....

........

...a doctor's checkup,
and then I have to rush my ass to Gongaga and back as fast as I can.
I swear...as long as I have the will to hold a sword...

there is no turning back.

there never was.

Again Kai came to visit, looking happy, healthy.
we talked about the old days....and just as he was going to tell me..
some sort of secret, I don't know what happend, but before I knew it he was on the floor, from the sounds he made, it might have been a brain aneurysm.

just what has he been doing?

I closed the bar down early? why?
I put Kai's health on the same level as a family emergency.

Yuge may not....no...
he does NOT think the same way.

there is no way in hell, that anyone could understand my reasoning,
Yuge would argue with me, and tell me I should stay at home...
I know. I KNOW i'm pregnant, I KNOW I've signed my life away.
and yet all I want to do is fight and fight until I fall apart....

..i'm getting off topic...

Kai is my comrade. he looked after me.
I'm looking after him, I took him to a hotel,
writeing this i'm sitting across the room from him,
he looks like an infant abandoned by it's mother...

I made sure he was alright, medically at least. I don't know what internal problems he may have...if he'll let me...I can try to treat him...the ShinRa medical clinic is out of the question. we're both criminals.

I had better call Yuge...
I'm really tired and don't want to hear him yelling at me
about how I shouldn't give a shit about anyone but us....
and...the cute waitresses Yuge just loves to rarely message me about.
...fucking puppy faced...whores.......

grr....
now i'm just frustrated.

all the same, I'll just leave him a message.



-----------------------

[Messages From Ekiri to Yuge]

+You have, one, new, message.+

Hey Yuge, This is Ekiri.
sorry I shut off my phone,
I'm going to be really late coming home tonight,
actually I probably wont be back until morning by the looks of it.
one of my bar regulars came in and collapsed upon trying to exit the bar,
and before you say it, he didn't have any of my hand made drinks.

what can I say i'm just a bit worried. looks like a brain aneurysm,
I want to at least make sure he can wake up.
and I can't really be loseing anymore customers right now, that would suck.

I left some pre-made meals [hand made not store bought <3] in the fridge.
with instructions on how to microwave them to perfection.

I'll talk to you / see you later.

- Ekiri

PS- Before you go into over-protective mode and spam my phone until it turns into more work to sort your messages than enjoy them,
at least i'm not out fighting an army <3

love you.

Something is wrong....deeply wrong.
it seems a murder I've comitted is comeing back to haunt me.
so much for "What happens in the slums stays in the slums"..then again Junon is like one big fancy slum...

a SOLDIER...by looks of it, Rai Yuudai...is on my trail.
he questioned while I was searching my pockets to clean them...
one peice of hair, Tao's hair....a MP Cadet from Midgar,
also...my cousin. disgusting little hunter who was swated by the hunted.

I did the pleasentries of giveing the note she wrote upon death. to...Ed, the scaley...now if I remember correctly, the note had the name "Rai" on it too..guess little Tao had a crush...anyways... I wanted my hands clean of it....I nearly forgot.
the SOLDIER was friendly...I'm not under fire yet. but the noise I heard after he exited...I went to take out the trash, I found a...there's no words to describe how malformed a wall could be around a absolutely obliterated can of Banora white apple juice.

I'm...not sure how I should feel. I understand well enough, once you have blood on your hands, it never goes away. but i'm soaked in it....how is this going to end?

I need to tell Yuge. right away.

Way to screw up again Ekiri.

Valentines was...as amazing as I could think it could be,
haveing someone to love...and love you back,
the entire day I didn't say one thing about work....
it was like...I don't know how to put this, something..."Regular" people do,
desk job people. not mercenaries, just...two people enjoying each other's company.

The day after, Yuge was busy with mercenary work, he had to leave early.
I could barely walk....thanks to Yuge's overdriven.... lets not get into that.

Force called me while I was half out of bed,
those religious bastards were setting fire to his shippments, and holding his employee's hostage. I bootlegged as fast as I could...

Fuck I should have called Yuge...

when I got there, there were alot of dead, and alot of scared. helpless employee's...
I did what I could, improviseing useing cranes, temporarily useing a gun, making sure Force and his employee's got out safely, but I wasn't alone, a woman stood by helping me, she had been a friend of mine, former mercenary for the people I worked with mid to late last year. Aoi, she saw the fires and came running...

told her to get the hell out of here, why?
aparrently the fuckers rigged their own men, to explode.

suicide bombers. men of faith scare the fucking shit right out of me.
[Ekiri's pen was aparrently shaking while writeing the next words]
...they're fearless...and feel..no remorse, to see fit to an end...
more fearless then me...

....Force's daughter, was one of the hostages. she was crying, and when I found her,
she was walking towards me covered in what I thought was an armored vest....

...a seven year old girl....blew up....
right in front of my face.....

if there wasn't cover, I might have died. my arm wasn't so lucky, three seconds of lagging behind, goodbye old leftie, I knew you well...the entire store house was a mess....charred, bloodied. broken...

....Yes...Force was upset, he was crying, punching me. screaming,
"Why didn't you save her? aren't you the mechanic's expert!?"

...."What if it was your kid!?"

I just let him beat on me, I had nothing to say....I was covered in her blood.
Aoi left after making sure everyone was patched up, and making sure I dismantled those who had bombs on them...

Aoi gave me a ride back to Junon on Chocobo, I felt sick, though...
I went back to the bar, as if everything was normal....
fuck...I didn't even shower before going to the bar..
I just...needed it. the bar...the people...

thank Gaia I didn't run into any ShinRa officers...
if I did I would be rotting in a cell...I probably couldn't answer to them if I wanted to.

either way...I...met a guy named Cross...seemed like..a nice mechanic...

and then...Yuge....

....all I could say was "A years worth of buisness"...blah...blah blah....
was it really even just that? ...I just feel...useless around Yuge....sometimes,
he's..the big strong merc...soon i'll just be the pregnant lady.

how do I know this?

I passed out in the bar, and woke up this morning to see a note and a lock on the door, preventing me from getting out, it said "...Please don't leave."
I love Yuge, and I grow more and more afraid that I can't overcome this....
even if I avenge Souma....will I ever stop looking for a fight to prove how much i'm worth? can I just be me without...being covered in someone elses blood?

I said I wanted this child to see their mother was strong..
how is -THIS- strong?

...this is disgusting....

[teardrops fell at the bottom of the page]

...what am I going to do?

Another fight....great just what I always needed,
this time they sent a kid after me. a kid. he didn't even look like he had reached puberty. but in my naivety to dealing with the situation he got a cut on me. a lucky cut.

..I'm sorry to say whoever his parents or sibling are, they will not see him again.

I got some bar tending in today, Alon seemed very tired. I feel that with all of these attacks, his work must triple. I don't understand how people from ShinRa keep up with all this without breaking their brains, I have a hard enough time keeping the bank and enemy mercs...holy-men at bay, I couldn't imagine what the ShinRa workload has to be.

though eventually I had to leave the bar in the hands of another bartender, not because I wanted to, but the blood loss was effecting my performance... my head was pounding and I needed to get home to finish some paperwork..but when I walked in the door all I got was the wife arguing with me...

he kissed me so hard it hurt, he was angry that I was disregarding myself and our child, and he came so close to saying something that might have just sent me over the edge....but I apologized, and said, that if I can't handle, a few people who are after me, I'm not worthy of being his wife...he told me that was insane, I was strong but, he didn't want to see me get hurt.

guess I pulled the trigger by asking "Do you think that No-Name would give up her fight if she got pregnant with your child?"

the silence and the tension nearly killed me right there....I didn't hear his answer...I just collapsed on the floor. when I woke up I was in his arms until he woke up, I told him I wasn't going anywhere...checking out this gash on the side of my face while writeing. another reason for people to look at who I am now...instead of who I was.

Today...was interesting,

Though dead quiet. I swear Dean is going to kill me for how many quiet days we have.
went to work around 5 PM, early..I know...couldn't keep my mind on anything except a chance encounter, that damn voice is still bothering me. It couldn't be him, with his...attitude he would probably be dead....

I'm stareing up at the cannon right now...taking a bit of time off...it's two in the morning...

day started off with a cadet....I think he was a cadet, felt so from the way he dressed and how he carried himself in a panicked manner, he said there was an attack going on and..I should..go to safety, well..I didn't quite have the guts to tell the little guy to shove off so I just told him no and good luck. he seemed to be in a rush.

later on I met a woman named Tetsuka Black, she seemed...very much like you would expect a buisness woman to ask. she was straightforwards, which I like in a person.
nothing really too world shattering to talk about, just the attacks, first one to seem a bit attention caught by the scar on the side of my mouth, she seemed nice enough. just did what I could with information and wished her a good evening.

...and...the..I don't know how to put this...the next one to stop by, was a I think it was a monkey? maybe a sub-human...."The Great Dash Bowman" he said. a ShinRa Pilot. speaking to him gave me a bit of hope.

Oh! and Kashido stopped by asking me where Yuge was...
in truth....I hadn't seen him since I left for work.....
I hope he's okay...Well...if I don't get a call back from him, I'll go check the apartment, if he's not there...there's not much I can do.

Well, there's one thing I can do, I can look into the pit that my father told me about. it was the place I was born and raised when he and my mother were hideing,
he left his weapon there, his sword. and documentation that I need to find....
it would require me going back to Gongaga. I'd have to clear it with Dean, but I'll try to do more work and see what I can do...if it's still there...
maybe it'll give me more insight on where to go with my life.

Nice and quiet....cleaning blood out of my cellphone...urgh..praying the thing
isn't trashed.

My stepmother is pissed off that I haven't been taking the diet seriously,
had an arguement with her, she slapped me across the face,
What I wouldn't have done if her sons weren't watching....

...what the hell am I thinking.

Liveing...normally, is getting tougher for me,
i'm getting ancy..maybe just because things are slowing down, and giveing me time to think, which isn't a bad thing...but it's not a good thing either.
it's makeing me dwell and regret...I don't do that anymore. not easily.

I...spent this afternoon going on a hike with my stepbrothers and my Father.
...he wont even tell me their names, guess that's up to him....
he wants to forget what I did to his previous family, yet every time he looks at me,
he see's my mother. I'd like to be a older sister to them, but as long as I have blood freshly stained on my hands. Kiona and Lau forbade me from making any further relationship with their children.

heh...returning home for a bit was cute...
er...I mean i'm not even anywhere close to my 2nd trimester, I was loungeing around on the couch and Yuge asked to listen to the baby, of course I tapped him on the head and told him that he probably wouldn't hear anything besides my horribley messed up internal system telling him to bugger off <3

Every day it's getting easier and easier to remove the years of caked on makeup grit and grime from my skin...finding scars and markings I never knew I had...instinctively hideing who I was I guess....

Maybe...no more hideing the scars of the past,
...perhalps just..useing makeup to look...feminin...?

...cute..?

...
[A bunch of frustrated scribbles were at the bottom in incoherency only able to make out one word 'Miss Midgar bullshit' ]

I'd better write this before any customers come in....

holy fuck i'm covered in blood,
if Yuge see's me..hah...gotta make sure to shout "It's not mine!"

I made a fight a little too personal, instead of burning I guess I took a blade and...went to town.

was investigateing a rumor....augh, outside of Junon, I know I really need to stop this, I just get so damn ancy...if Yuge found out he'd probably give me lip...
I'll tell him when he's in a good mood...then..try not to leave Junon...
but this place is like a box full of rules! I can't do shit here without getting suspected of criminal intent!

...well geeze, I guess they'd be right to suspect me...
former terrorist...kidnapper...murderer..not as bad as others,
maybe that's behind me...
but that's a year that isn't going away.

when I was working with Kai as a mercenary, I don't even think while we were fighting...I was never covered in this much blood, but maybe that's cause Kai kept shielding me from it. he's much darker then I am...I can say that much.


....
......
........

[Scratched on the bottom fresher then the previous notes]

Two...officers?...one looked more rookie-ish then the other...
they walked into the bar...I was cleaning blood off my face...
and they promptly exited...

...Should I be running away from the bar now?

I'm being paranoid.

[Scratched even further down on the page seeming to follow hours later]

...I swear, being pregnant is makeing me see things.
A...SOLDIER, from what one of the bar ocupants said afterwards; came into the bar..this was far after the other ShinRa who stopped by, but...the voice, I swear I could have heard it from somewhere before, my neck felt really..freaking tight when I spoke to him and got his alchohol. maybe it was...G...

Nah...I don't believe it. .....shit i'm just being so paranoid today..
he said..."Thank you", I know this shouldn't be bothering me.
but seriously was my neck twingeing...was it a nervious reaction? sure, SOLDIERS can be intimidating...if it was one...but really they're just...customers nothing different...

fuck, this is going to bother me for the rest of the day...

moreso then finding out, someone else is looking for Souma's killer....Suriel Cyncad,
a drunk...ShinRa cadet who claims to have loved Souma. and wanted to marry her.
I don't believe him...something..just doesn't click right, I'm cooperating with him for now...but I can't trust him fully, the reasoning behind that...

is I've had people come up to me before, tough shit mercs, bodyguards. bounty hunters, ease in while I was getting a drink last year, trying to say they had information of "A catgirl that was shot" sometimes they'd be dumb enough to say Souma's name outright. maybe to make me agressive. I was desprate and did stupid things...i'm not going to slip up now.

The bar is empty, quiet. it's nice.
Dean may complain, but...these moments are good.
clears the mind.


First of all....Six...
Six...the woman with the claw....
the woman, I looked up to, while I was starting in the rebellion,
silent and strong, she's still alive...she was sitting in the bar,
and I didn't know what to say, so I followed Yuge's lead...
it seemed so surreal, at least....I can stop feeling guilty...why?

..that's a story for another time.

..anyways...I'm starting a new diet, my stepmother says it'll help my health.
heh, actually requires me to ingest something other then Lemon Soda,
she also said she wanted to go shopping with me for maternity clothing...
might not be a bad idea, what i'm wearing right now...doesn't really fit a pregnant woman, more like something you'd see in a old movie with...what were they called? ...Ninjas?

it's weird..to be pregnant again...it's only been...a month?..maybe a bit more.

I spoke to Alon today, came in, ordered his usual strawberry Vodka,
we went back and forth about how each-others day has been, equally our days were both shitty. and going at a snail's pace, he seemed to be haveing woman troubles,
in the end I told him, to take care of himself, and make sure that he's happy, because there's only one of him. he seemed happier after I said that, so i'm glad I could at least make one of my bar occupants happier.


another good thing is Force finally stopped asking me to ask someone I know if they need a Merc medic, and is taking care of his family,
he also got me scheduled in with a doctor who owes him a numerous amount of favors, to get check-ups every once in a while to put Yuge's mind at ease while he's away.

...also..to put Yuge's mind at ease more..I'm going to try and stay in Junon more often, he doesn't like me going off...he knows where i'm going every time I say I'm going off to a meeting or buisness...every source came up dead, for that religious bastard. either that or mercs in place try to deter me. if I ever find him, it wont be easy to take him down. if he's got mercs to try and throw me off the track....

I'll do what I can in Junon, until the baby is born...at the very least..
I wont give up looking. Souma I promise...I'll avenge you.

Just got home...Made some noodles and porkchops for dinner,
I told him I needed to do some paperwork
so he went to go make some phonecalls,
but really...I just want to write...

I just need to write this out.
Something's been bothering me, a conversation I had, a while after I had....aborted a year ago, when the MP's started popping up as fresh as daisies, I didn't know what to do during the times I couldn't be protected by Kai, or Yuge...I felt worthless,
but...sometimes...the officers seemed like the only friends I had, I know "Citizen Friendliness" back then was the main logo...that's how it seemed in Midgar, there was this Dark haired lanky guy...he saved me, when I lacked my ID, and when someone was threatening me, asking me where they could find Yuge, he saved me again.

another time...a conversation with a red haired officer, (OOC Note: His IC name was Ari, can't remember his SL name though sorry ^^; )

He was so kind, when I felt like everything was lost...I guess I felt like everything was lost alot of the time back then, but..the occasional friendly shoulder...back then I was AVALANCHE, he was ShinRa,
I don't even know what I was thinking.

he had such a weird accent, yet he was kind, while I was talking to the lanky dark haired officer, this Red haired officer offered to walk me home, actually..I was only up there to treat someone who was woudned...there were no doctors in the area, so..the tall lanky requested me to go with him...back to the kind red haired officer..he escorted me down to the church, I told him something stupid like I needed to go treat some cats...maybe I was trying to get rid of him...maybe I was just lonely and needed someone to talk to...Yuge and Kashido were busy with AVALANCHE back then...Kai was nowhere to be found, one rebellion friend. Kain. a large tiger, a few times let me hang out with him, though I was nearly always alone.

this man...this red haired man, seemed to just delve deeper into me, as we kept talking, it went from great...to worse as soon as I started coughing up blood...that hackjob I did on my womb...it wasn't enough to destroy it, obviously since I'm pregnant now. but something I didn't expect was that he was worried. the only officers I had ever seen were so violent...not to mention SOLDIERS.

he asked...and asked...even when I told him "Your not a woman" You can't understand.." he became insulted..and pried deeper...I hated keeping this a secret, I hated feeling like I was useless, so I told him...that I cut into myself, so that I would never be pregnant again. and that is why I was worthless. a woman gives birth, a girl can't...is what I said. that I can't be a woman or a girl. that I was some kind of freak.

...but what I said...it cut him deep, his lips were trembling like a childs...
I'll never forget what he said clutching my hand in his...

"No, yer not a woman.. Not just any o' course, and not a frail 'lil girl.. Yer strong, a woman with purpose whom does wha' she can ta help others.."

this...comeing from a man, not a ShinRa dog...his name..was Ari....

[Tear dents appeared on the paper]

He embraced me, called my name..made me feel like I actually...meant something...
at that time...that was all I needed...to get through my day.
I failed so horribley, I wasn't a good Rebel, or a Surgeon. yet there I was..
embraced in the arms of Ari...a ShinRa. this wasn't some blind passion,
even if it was for a small while...I felt like I could have told him everything...
as if he were my best friend...but my com went off,
and I needed to return to base...

but...

[a few more teardrops became noticed on the page]

I never saw Ari again.

I wonder...if Ari is alright, or did they kill him.
did he leave ShinRa? ...I have no way of knowing now...

what brought about this? ShinRa kindness...maybe it was Alon. an occasional bar occupant. he may be goofy, but his heart seems to be in the right place.
not to say, that I am not happy with Yuge. I am more than happy.
I just wish...I still had other friends, I could talk to as easily as I could Ari, or the lanky Dark haired fellow...or Kain...

..or....

[scrawled in large letters were "S O U M-" but it goes off as messed up scrawls, tears, and watery ink at the end of the page, only few words remained at the end of the page]

I miss them.