June 3rd Entry Fourty-Eight

....back at the hideout working on the suits.
told Aoi to be quiet and locked myself in my room all day...

the only one to stop by after unlocking the door was Force.
he didn't complain but he just asked me if I was happy about what I've done to myself. ..I asked if something was wrong with the employees if I was messing with them, I didn't look at him and I think that was pissing him off, nearly tipped the chair over trying to get me to look at him.

he said the employees were fine. all he was worried about...was the thing in my room that kept making noises....a part of me..gargling and trying to exist...it's not ready to exist....yet it does, part of the reason I've told Force I'm soundproofing my room. if that thing learns to cry...I don't want anyone to hear it.

....maybe starring at the black pit of my eye cooled him off. I've told him time and time again...I do what I have to do. what I had to do...

just like back when I met him and his crew...we were prisoners to men...men who gave not a second thought to throwing a pregnant woman to the floor and crunching their boot down upon her unborn child. whenever I close my eye....I can still remember being pushed to help them back up...back to health....back to what health?

the women there were beaten to an inch of their lives...and before I could let them rest three days...one guy would be in heat, next day we were digging graves...

....I was spared from that...because I knew how to mend wounds...
guess I can thank Yuge, Kashido and Vondred for that....if I wasn't a half assed doctor...if I didn't have the push to go further then basic medical aid. my womb would be alot more compact then it was before.

though that didn't mean I was spared from most group activities......the smell of that bloody mattress is burned in my sinus's...

....a few bar regulars told me I should see the Junon ShinRa Clinic about my leg and burn wounds...I just shook my head. ....after two years ago. I would never step into a main ShinRa building again...that second floor....white walls....that SOLDIER...my blood all over the walls....front line fodder...

what is that organization like now?

...are rookies still used like that?

why do I keep seeing him in my mind when I don't want to think about it.....

....it's not like we can go back...

I'll never walk into that bar in Midgar...and see the two SOLDIERS that were greater friends then anyone in that slummed up universe...

the bar in Junon is fine...it's beautiful...

.......

...now I know why Dean frustrates me so much...

....Dean reminds me of Azure.