I haven't left the apartment all day.

...maybe I should try...it's not like...there aren't civillians on the streets at odd hours of the morning....if something happend...

....

the level Kai got shot on...it's perfect...
..I wouldn't be able to run fast enough if they saw me....

what has it come to...i'm so depressed about not being able to run away...
I haven't changed at all...not one bit...
maybe I could grow wings and fly away....but wings aren't bulletproof.
you shoot a bird. it falls....you kill an angel...your cursed forever.

....back when I was a child....I might have killed an angel....
she had no wings...but hair white as snow..just like mine....
...and once this leg heals i'll continue killing angels and demons alike...who hide themselves in skin that calls them human...


...I need to get out more, being cooped up in this apartment is driveing me to speak by their means...and it's them who wants me dead. thinking like my enemy is fine...though becomeing my enemy isn't exactly my perfect ideal.

Useing a crutch in the sand is difficult...

..when is this leg going to finish healing?

....and when the fuck did a giant tree pop out of the rocks?

guess cause I've slown down I actually notice other things more easily...

Haven't seen Kai or Ed for a while....hope they're alright..


....damnit I don't understand why people keep telling me to relax...
...relaxing is boring as hell.

Two shelves of the liquor are missing in the bar.
either I have skimped out on deliveries with this broken body.

or this has something to do with a similar incident a citizen told me about with the grocery store. this is one of those things I do hope ShinRa kills with an iron fist in the dark. I would be in dismay to wonder what would happen if cadets couldn't get wasted and cry about their superiors abuseing them so close to the tower.

Though I will have to ask the bartenders if anything peculear has been up.
I wouldn't be surprised if they did go throgh the entire two shelves while I was gone, busy days happen. I'll have to talk to Force about another emergency shipment. he's going to bill me out the ass for this and the medical bills again I know it.

....money's going to get tight..this leg better heal fast.

...speaking of the leg it hurts like a bitch..might as well add painkillers to the list of supplies needed. I'm going to have to be fucking careful....people I've threatened could see this as an opertunity to finish me.
...on the other side I don't want a babysitter...I'm going to keep face in front of Kai, Yuge, Ed, Kashido. anyone who knows what's after me. nothing like a fairytale creature floating over your shoulder screeching "Hey. Listen."...
it'll save hassle. though put the risk higher. just like I like it.

...I don't want to lean on anyone...I wont let anyone be my shield.
not after what happend to Kai...I'm their shield. not the other way around.

...I'm scared...

I can't remember waking up this badly injured...
My leg...It's..never been broken before...
..I hate this feeling...
I can't run..

tried to take a shower...nearly passed out from the pain the physical shock..
...I look so horrible now....before...cuts...scrapes...
I would have preffered a bullet to the gut to this....

my hand is so cut up it swells when I try to do the simplist thing....
the left side of my body hurts so much I have to bite my tongue not to cry anytime I have to walk....

...nobody would want a burned up woman...all they do....is pity me...

..I can't fight...

....what happens when they send the next one..?

..am I going to die?

....Souma...if I die...could I see you...before I go to hell?

-Written far later-

I met a new bar regular...or an old one I guess...Ora..
I remember him as the bunny that just vomited cause he drank too much.
aparrently he's a huge pervert too....

I've been filling out forms...he...tried to kiss me...hold me...
even wanted to have sex with me....fucking rabbits....
he....jokingly called me his lover in front of a MP officer..

...was he ShinRa?

...Kai came also...he fell asleep....I asked one of Forces workers to help me bring him to a Hotel again...I was just....too tired to watch over him...

Ora held me so tightly my burn wounds bled...
...I need to redo these bandages....

..I don't like being like this...even if someone touches me...it hurts...
my hands...my chest....my legs....everything...

...I don't want to be weak....why did this have to happen?

....who did this to me?

[The letters seem more of a elegant cursive type and calm in nature. something you'd expect a buisnesswoman to write. different from Ekiri's lazy sort of drifting writeing style when she's not signing forms.]


Ekiri. I know you write in this often so you better look at this and actually talk to me afterwards. I don't want to hear that you ran away again.

it's been six weeks since we last talked in person. and now one two days since you were hauled in here by one of Force's workers. unconcious. burned. cut and beaten. first you refused to have any more checkups after the ultrasound. now I see you. that secondary elongated scar on your stomach and womb. I can't say you are or aren't the worst kind of woman I've ever encountered. I fret to wonder what your insides are like now. truely you are a rotted individual and I shouldn't be helping you. for Gaia's sake. I don't even know how Force puts up with you. or anyone you work with. any of the people in your life...

I want to chain you to the bed. but Force has told me not to, due to the sounds you made last time he tried to keep you in one place.

Wake up. so I can tell you how to move on beyond this Ekiri.

it's time to stop chaseing that shadow.

Aoi Ja-
[A large bloody handprint was all over this entry. as well as signs of forced scrapeing. indicating someone woke up while Aoi was writeing this in Ekiri's journal]

Kai overdid himself again...burns on his bandages...collapsed outside of the inner city..it reminded me of when I traveled with him...if he came down with a cold or feaver that made him immobile I'd care for him. albiet sometimes carry him to the nearest doctor and learn how to help him...

watching him sleep now...
makes me long for those days again to travel with him...to understand him more...
He knows as much about me as he wishes to.
I know little about him...aside from the watch he carries with him.
it must be of great value to him.

I ended up doing the same thing I did more then a year ago...sent a paper lantern out to sea to be forgiven....though I know I wont.

it's selfish to want to be near and yet so far from someone...
I don't want Kai to be hurt, I don't want him to be angry at me.
....he wants me to hold onto my own humanity to help him....
..but it's my humanity that's hurting me the most..

what I wouldn't give for that oblivion of never knowing that I'd wake up to hurt someone....
[a line goes down the page indicating she might've fallen asleep while writeing this]

...again...is it happening again?

people I care about being targeted for my mistakes.
it seems a little too fitting...someone broke into my apartment again..
crashed through the window and knocked me out so I couldn't answer my phone...
then I wake up to this message from Kai...

next thing I know..I'm running as fast as I can...
blinded by my own physical hinderance..
...shapes and forms were all white and irredecent...nothing solid...
I was sure if I ran into a wall I would have fallen right through it...

he wasn't at the bar....I felt...like everything was slowly slipping away...
I thought they took him...I thought......I couldn't think straight...
but...he was alright...injured...I took care of him...at the cost of doing something horrible...to myself...for that is my curse...

I injected something into myself...something I had been testing...so I could try to work more hours without physical problems...It worked...but...sometimes I was talking too fast...I noticed that I wasn't responding to Kai in a better way I should have...and afterwards my mind felt like it was in a dense fog...

on top of that..someone broke the table in the bar...a guy in armor ran in...screaming..."Cleanse the unclean" or something like that...he would have killed Kai...with the state he was in..but..we were lucky...Kai cut across his throat and he fell to the floor..

...after that...I can't quite remember...

It became very dark....very blue...again...

was I walking with Kai? I wanted to make sure he was alright.
did I say something wrong?

....I just remember him looking really angry at me.
then nothing....

...I woke up in this hotel room....I don't have anymore time to spend...I have to get back to the workshop...and hope..

......he's..

[the journal entry ends abruptly.
indicating she probably stopped writeing due to interuption]

....This is bad...really bad...

...Back when I went to Midgar many months ago...it was to kill someone who was hunting me...my Cousin...she had it in her head that everything in her life was my fault..following blindly...Joining ShinRa.

...but I never let her advance...may she rest in peace that burned corpse...

...aparrently...she had a little friend who's now on my tail.
I wondered about this...it was Either him who took the CD's I burned from her phone...I was planning to copy them to my laptop for further analysys to try and edit it...heard another voice in the background..sure if it...

It couldn't have been Ed....unless he has a grudge against me..
he seemed down, hearing it from a regular at the bar, aparrently Sakura is getting married....to some guy..not Ed. this can't be good.

..I asked him back then to send this...."Rai" a note that came spesifically from Tao...it was bloodstained. and alot to ask of Ed who was going to leave ShinRa himself....by the looks they gave each other in the bar....they knew each other. I felt that much...

The bar was busy so I couldn't take time to be scared....the SOLDIER was behind the bar...I made a stupid joke...it could've been him...Tomo...someone else...all I know is...those CD's are gone. and if it's in Rai Yuudai's hands...

...I'm screwed.

....

Turned on the radio for the first time in a while..
..I listened to the SNN report. for once since I killed my first stepmother.
herself a ShinRa news reporter....this broadcast told me a bartender I hired...was impaled by a damn tree...is he dead?

Haven't seen the guy since I hired him due to outer business I had to take care of
....but geeze..impaled...by a mutated tree.


I've done nothing for a large part of today...stared at the celing...
phone hasn't made any noise at all...it either ran out of batteries or i'm uneeded.

....I refuse to sleep...yet all I've done over the past 16+ hours has been hideing under these sheets....I need to go to work today or else i'll get an earful from Dean....I'll get an earful anyways...I don't want to send this report in.

...what the fuck should I say, Hired two bartenders one got impaled recently.
I haven't heard from him since he came in and saw me treating Kai's wounds.

...now i'm just frustrated again...

...my tempature's gone up....I can't afford to have anymore sick days...I'll just bundle up and hide my face...like usual nobody will tell the difference....
..just...be normal...smile...cheery..happy...no matter how you feel..

can't have Kai be pissed off again...
....he doesn't believe I could stop him...that I could help him...
..or does he?

...I don't know anymore...

....I should just give up...

...whatever lifestyle i'm trying to acheive...I can't grasp it...

..whatever i'm trying to acomplish...I've failed...haven't I...
Souma wont come back...no matter how many times I see her....
..no matter how many lives I take...it's not enough to bring her back...

...how worthless am I...that I can't cry in front of anyone I care about...
..Yet I can just break down when they walk away...

..Kai's alive...what about Yuge?

....I don't want to sleep ever again...and sometimes I never want to wake up.

I need to make up my mind.

this is one horrible curse...never burden others with your dispair....
always guard your betters from their fears...
when they have no use for you walk away.

All I can do...is write. fight. and bartend.

....I don't feel even vaguely human anymore....
but I promised...

...and Kai will never know of this....
..I will become worse then what he may go through....
so that I can find a way to save him from this.
then he can live a normal life...with a woman best for him.
who can face him with upmost honesty...instead of deadened lies.
until I am alone...

and then...I can continue searching...for her...
only her...the one I've endured so much torture for.

she will never forgive me. not in a million years.

so I'd best prepare for a million years of pain to bring her back.