I got shot in the ass.
statement of the year, definately.

Wasn't Kai though, a rubber bullet,

I refused some pervert sub-human's offer for...
man that's mean...maybe I am a jerk,
but I refused his offer to help.

I had my worries, so when me and Kai stopped by a bar...he had to carry me,
since both my legs were jostled from nerve damage.
I called Aoi, and she told me something unsettling, all of that jostling around could have undone her second rate tubal ligation she did after Setsuna was born.

I...blundered out a responce to Kai when he wanted to know what I meant by reversed,
he walked out...I expected him to run away;
Kai is many things,
he's brave.
he's cocky.
he's thoughtful.
he respects my opinion.

...he's there.
and teaches me to stand for myself.
..he taught me how to stand for myself.

but when I think of father material, I don't know what to think of.

If I ever loved Yuge, that love turned to hate when he rejected my ideas.
and told me to be a housewife while he went out on adventures, never calling never asking how I was doing while pregnant, dropping by every few months to get wasted.
it was like having an ungreatful brother.

I wondered when Kai walked out the bar doors; "For air"
"If I can't make this work, then I can't make anything work."

I felt sad when I previously thought that I'd never be able to give him a child,
or a family, or a chance at being a father,
then flooding thoughts came in that he hated children, and hated the prospect of being a father...that he was too young in experience to be one, he wasn't ready...
how do you build experience like that?

having an abortion at seventeen after that incident, made me feel worthless, it's why I never wanted to look Kai in the face, ....I always...wanted my first time to go to someone I loved. instead it went to something I had to fight without reason for so long.

but after having Setsuna, and leaving Yuge,
I think i'm slowly putting that behind me.

Looking back on the last hundred pages of this Journal,
half of it being a convinient lie to Yuge,

I don't regret it.
it was fun.

I'd like to have as much fun as I can before it slows down.
even if I get shot, even if I get yelled at.
most importantly...I want to have fun with Kai, the kind of fun that'll make him smile.

Because our happiness has been most important to me.
it has been for seven years.

This morning was incredibly long.

waiting for the train that only came into station at morning.
it was so cold...I should have worn a sweater but it was such nice weather today.

saw Kaname again, she seemed much happier.

...but I also ran into Kashido,
there was nobody in the rebellion I felt I could be real with, except Kashido.
when I talked to him I felt like I could be me, not what I was pretending to be.
and he didn't judge me for that, it's the same feeling I get from Kai.

Kashido feels like an older brother at times, he scolds me when I don't take care of myself, and brings himself to my level when i'm losing it to calm me down.

he did that this evening, but I was losing it because it was a long day...
and I thought that Yuge had sent him to spy on me, I'm so paranoid of all this,
what if, what if Yuge sends someone to stalk my every movement?
what if Yuge sends someone to steal Setsuna from me?

....getting back to Force's place, I apologized to him and the rest by bringing back some Kalm speciality pastries I know they liked, I didn't get back there until one PM, it was a hell of a long journey.

Setsuna was crying when I came in, she recognized her mom immidiately and started to giggle and pull at my wig, Kai was dead asleep but that didn't stop him from smearing blood on her forhead, or so Yulia told me.

Setsuna doesn't have to be in an isolation case anymore, Aoi told me early yesterday, her vitals had sorted themselves out, after a year of having to watch her and interact with her in a jar, I can hold her like I did when she was born, she'll be able to grow up normally...as long as nothing else hinders her life.

when Setsuna settled down I went to go find Kai, like he told me on the phone he was asleep, or trying to pretend he was, the moment I laid down next to him he put his arms around me, I could smell the alchohol on his breath but I didn't mind,
he must have been quasi awake..I could hear mumurs of "Hangover city.." coming from him, I just burried my face in his chest and tried to go to sleep.

I was lucky enough to wake up while he was still there,

if I actually cared about Yuge, maybe that's what I found so irritating...
I'd go months, weeks, who knows if we stuck together years without hearing from him.
and then he'd waltz back expecting everything to be fine without so much as a phonecall.

Even if he's drunk, at least Kai tried to communicate with me,
instead of ignoring me for his job...or ignoring me because something was bothering me.

now I need to work on what I can do for him...aside from sexual favors. *Small irrtated face in the corner*

Speaking to Kenji's sister brought alot of odd things in perspective;
I made a choice and im happy about it.
even if nobody else is.

Is this what a mother's life is?
constant struggle between yourself, the people you love;
and the creature you gave birth to?

I wish I knew but there are no easy answers...
well there's one easy answer; Yuge is a fucking creep.

but looks like I'll have to keep a closer eye on things.
I wonder what Kai thinks, I want to know...
what does he want out of our relationship?
it's past farther than me just oweing my life to him,
I have to start devoting my life to raising a child...
I get..a feeling thats scaring him away.
he was okay with it at first but now it's just a source of uncomfortableness.

Maybe I've been too soft with him, too hard and he'll just get angry and.....
then he'll lose it again. and then I'll lose him.

why can't living a normal life just be easy?