The ocean, again...

The waves..

this morning I awoke to....several drunken calls from Kai.
he was alright. that's good....I didn't reply until much later,

I met with my father in the morning, after I told him what I had done,
he was upset. and told me what a pathetic child I was.
...when I tried to tell him I was sorry, he hit me with the butt of his sword...right...in the damn stitches...and told me again;

"You are like a child crying in the rain.
that nobody will want to be around."

The truth that cut me, soon...I'll be alone again.
I know...no matter what happens...
soon Kai...Yuge...Ed....anyone else who follows me...will become sick of this.
and abandon me...for their sakes...I hope they do.

I don't remember a great many things about the past few days.

Hunting someone, outside of Junon...was quite a huge private bounty.
but for one tiny guy...scrawny..glasses...office attire. I don't remember what happened when I approached him. I felt like something was poking my skin...did I..

...I can't believe myself. I didn't realize it until now...
it felt like I was blinded...when I got control back...I was in Midgar, the upper plates. starring at some..joke of a contest...it looked familiar, and I was right when I saw Kai. it was a Mr. Midgar contest...course I told him I was here on business, I'm sure "Oh I probably overdosed on drugs and killed a guy" would have gone over swell with him. ....I like Kai better when he's smiling...not pissed off...I think I'm learning how to make him smile more,

strange thing is...I think I did kill my hunt. Force called me as the contest was going on.... and said the money was transferred...and asked why I sounded so odd when I called in to say the hunt was finished.
the picture was on my phone.

I need to tread cautiously. Kai gave me the means to get back to Junon as fast as possible....once I launder the bounty cash I'll throw it his way. probably either not enough or more then enough for putting up with me.
to fund Force, his grandmother, the bar and all of the employees as well as the suit,
it's just things I have to do...

seeing that contest...gave me goosebumps...especially capturing a glimpse of..

...Kai telling me that....

..why am I still afraid of him?

...so he's alive? big deal.

I paid the price for fighting a first class....the scar on my spine...
my arm being mangled from force of a blade...he apologized...
I shouldn't still feel this way.

Nothing like a hard drink to forget the past.

It's been...less then two weeks since surgery?

...my pelvis hurts...alot...or the whole above region...
I haven't been able to hold anything down, not food...water maybe.
Soda.....I think it's become my source of nutriance.

Went to work again...need to get into contact with Dean again.
fuck. I need to ask him for his phone number...something!
A new face. a new regular...he's blind though.
says he can smell bevrages.....wants to be a bartender...
I'm intrigued....he's a sub-human. I don't mind him.

...I'm calmer around men then I am around women...

...I just...not since Souma...
women are fire..I don't play with that...

there was this...small girl..she seemed...afraid of me?
yet full of questions...
so concerned about every little thing...especially when her...I think they were sibblings? her brother...kinda picked up a scrawny guy and tossed him out of the bar for doing perverted things. I should have done something about it earlier...but her brother moved faster.


after she left, the Brother came back for his bevrage, he was an interesting man...
he told me he was previously from AVALANCHE.but left....that stirred up some unsettling memories...so many unsettling memories...alot of stuff was mentioned...

AVALANCHE,
rebellion.
the bar...the slums...
Gale...is he really still alive?
...

.....

Kenji...I was so close to just...blurting it out....
"I'm from QUAKE. Early AVALANCHE too...left it..I bartended in the bar you co-own."

...I kept it simple. but it was an enjoyable conversation.

again...It left me wishing that I could just...open up to someone...but when I try to...it just pisses them off and makes them think i'm hideing something else.
I can't cry....I can't talk....all I can do is listen...why doesn't someone sew my eyes and lips together?


but like I told Kenji,

If you want to be a free fish....you have to be a boundless one...one that swims with no one..self sufficient. and dead.

right now...holding a hand to my abdomen...I've never felt more like a corpse.
I should have stayed where Esune burried me.

I have learned an important lesson today.

just because one of Force's employees makes a joke about a chainmail bikini and imagineing me in it. it doesn't give me the liberty to hit him upside the head with a hot peice of steel fresh from the oven.

I hate sleeping....it means I get to have dreams..
not dreams...nightmares?

on the airstrip...again...I was falling...Souma was there...I couldn't see her face..
it was burried in Suriel's chest...Kai was running away...Ed was too...

....men in black helmets...
pointing their guns at me....

..when I woke up I punched one of Force's workers....guess it was from the shock and he was testing his new cellphone, flash kinda caught me off guard...

I apologized though I think Force is getting pissed off at me more and more.
I should get him a fruit basket or something for the trouble i've caused him.
Saved his life once...doesn't mean I can keep ragging on him.

he's been a good supplier. a good informant...most I do these days is make sure he's well paid for his time spent.

I've been hit upside the face too many times in the past two days...
nobody was happy with my descion....and I feel happier for it..
I can work...I can fight...without obstruction. I can stand my ground.

have yet to see. or talk to Yuge. he's busy, better busy then unhappy.
...or Kai. or anyone. went back to regular bar work...Force told me he wasn't going to stop me from going back to work so soon...not even a week after surgery.

he just told me I was an idiot and to not call him during gameshow night.
walking back to Junon wasn't so bad...he had one of his workers go with me.
even though I nag on him....if I wasn't paying him to wave his ass at the law he'd be bored...am I even sure about that anymore?

I'll try to be a little easier on him...on anyone...but...it's tough.
there are just some days where I don't want to be easy on anyone who's following me since I've faced alot alone already.....sure...one year isn't very long...it was long enough to change my outlook and priorities. not like things aren't comeing back in a bad way from those experiences either. so I may be followed again...this time by some informants who I screwed over...this was around the time I met Force...

...I took beatings for him. Force screwed up, I took his place. they wanted to cut off his fingers I let them poke holes in my cheeks and...
...well I'm sure it wouldn'tve been any different if I was a man. bisexual bigots.

got a package a while ago...had pictures...forgot they even took pictures while doing it... guess that's what the blinding flash was every few minutes...never wanted to think back to that time...but everything's making me want to now.

...I'll need a bit more information from Ed and Kai next time I speak to them.
customize their prototypes to what their fighting styles are.

the feet aren't a problem since I have their sizes....
studying a few books my Father loaned me after slugging me in the face.
"Ninja shoes" or some such. meant for agility. haste. grip.

on the brighter side....the feaver that's been plagueing me for the last little while...three to four weeks...I guess...has lifted...at least I hope it has. my nose doesn't feel as stuffy, my head isn't clogged with white noise. I can actually think a bit clearer now.

took some time away from both work forces since I was still feeling less then 30% functional..played with two dogs I adopted last year in october just for atmosphere and to keep moral up around the safehouse, Huskies..Shasta and Shadow. hadn't had much time to play with them since I returned to Junon, but in a way they seem to understand, Force's employees give them more then enough attention...heh...though they never mind cuddling up next to ma' when she's feeling down.

i'll return to bar work again tomorrow if I can.

I've looked over a few applications that had been sent in, though it seems nothing of interest has shown up aside from the women who have tit sizes bigger then their heads. I'm still concidoring hireing Kai. though I need to talk to Dean before he blows another gasket, again every damn blue moon.

...

......

after looking at this page five times I don't think I can easily say i'm not scatterbrained, from one subject to the next.

[This entry is incredibley poorly written. as if she couldn't keep her hand straight]

Just woke up

first thing I saw....Force's ugly mug.....

we're in the safe house

mid section hurts.

surgery never gets easier.

need to go back to work...but I can barely stand up...

not going to use crutches...I need to get back...

make sure nothing's happend....

everyone...better be alright....

...why the hell am I thinking of that guy's face...?

....Illian Larkham...Larkham...

...the same name...as the mobster said...I've seen this blonde man...two times...

is he dangerous?...

drugs tell me no...brain says no...he seemed really fruity.

...told Force....he made jazzhands...still making jazzhands...

..going to go punch him...probably fall over...

Working nonstop over the past few days..after I left my safehouse yesterday to go visit Force, he shook me and asked why the hell I wasn't making any sense...

...I never realized it but I was saying things that I didn't catch.

....shit I hope I didn't seem this way to Kai or Ed if they asked me something.


I left Force to his own devices after asking him about the bar shipments, since he was busy watching his favorite TV show with his colleague's...but I did ask about replaceing apartment windows and he said his repair guy would show up on tuesday.



A few days ago...a mobster...I guess is what you'd call it...was going to fight Kai, I was there with him, but instead the Mobster got shot by a sniper...then disapeared on a tugboat after telling Kai the information he needed...after that...

....

......

...I can't remember..it's like a giant gap....I remember afterwards...coming out of my safe house....nothing inbetween the mobster and the safehouse...

this can't be good...

..the ultrasound came back today......

...It's...

..........
[The page ends here]

...I hate dresses...skirts are nothing but trouble....

the black sun syndicate...like ShinRa..just people doing this jobs...I wasn't afraid.
why wasn't I afraid? ...there's nothing they could do to me that I would be afraid of...torture....rape...blackmail..degradation..embarassment beyond belief...to hurt my other friends, my family....

why are other people afraid of something happening to me? they should watch their own backs...yet no matter how much I tell them that....they still regret heavily..
though for now i'll abide and lay low for a while...

...Ed is going to be hurt severely, tetering on the edge of safety and the hazard.

Kai is sleeping with his eyes open...in a figuritve sense....rifle in his arms...
...it's...not scary to see him like this anymore...it's odd..
earlier...far earlier..he looked as though he was going to die from his nerves...

...and now he's....

...it's just like before....factions...enemies...him working for a suit....
...someone is going to get hurt again..

at least my investors are happy...those old bastards would be after what I was wearing....problem was going to sector 2 to meet them in the first place and afterwards...

...this "Rassk"...knows my name.
I had better keep that memorized....it doesn't suit a problem as long as it doesn't show up one...even if they come up to me and break my fingers without asking.
they go after the customers...still not much of a problem. if someone wants an alchoholic bevrage some spandex wearing lizzard or lion in a bowler hat isn't going to stop them.


...they're still watching me....waiting for me to make a move...
to take another life...to guilt and berate me for it...

...sometimes I wonder if I should tell Kai about this...

though I creep him out enough...

...best not to mention to him while i'm writeing this one ugly motherfucker with his dislocated jaw and eye hanging out is stareing at me from across the room...

...was his fault...he drew his blade first.

Very quiet.....the waves make me feel at peace.

sitting at the docks, reading the book Sen gave me...it's..odd but interesting.

"There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds

Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh"

the moral seems to be..... as happiness grows, so does guilt.
it makes me understand why I could not rest easy..
..after all that's happend in the last three months.

No more sleep. no more nightmares...I seem to be doing better, regardless of Aoi's complaints about my health. gave myself another haircut...took a shower...the black of my hair bled out down the drain...I asked Aoi and she was just as confused as I was.

...I dont even remember when my hair started turning white...she said people's hair can turn gray from extreme psychological unwellness....but never white...and i'm doing pretty good, so I can't figure it out...

...I called Force and asked him but he told me to stop calling him while he was betting with his co-workers on a gameshow...something is seriously wrong with him. though i'm nobody to judge.

Back to work...paperwork...material work.
I need to get Ed and Kai's shoe size. or at least their measurements if I could.
after the embarassment before Kai might refuse...though maybe he would still help... as long as I say he can keep his clothes on.


[OOC note: PS. I hate you Kiba. :> XD]

[Scrawled notes all over]
This is getting out of hand...
..I need to get a new syringe...a new vial..same drug...

same as the one Kai smashed...
..withdrawl is getting worse and worse....

every time I look around a corner..I see..a glimmer of someone I knew...
when I turn around something's behind me....
...it gets dark...so I can only see them....it wasn't so bad before the withdrawl...

..now it's everywhere...I can't face them.
Souma...Zephyr...Tao...No-Name...Kain..Esune...Freyja....my..mom...
the cries of children.....these faces....these bodies...these sounds....keep haunting me...

..even in the apartment....I was so scared I locked myself in the bathroom because I couldn't stop throwing up and crying..this isn't a part of being pregnant...I know that much....I couldn't even reach my phone outside of the room until I woke up this morning....

....just wait...

..be patient.......

....I promise....i'll...avenge you....

...so stop it.....don't follow me anymore...

...please.

------------------

[Further down there's a bit more writeing
seems more solidified]

My bar regulars are weird...
Had a shot..I think i'm okay now...still a little bit of visionary problems.

seems a...fruity guy and ...I dunno it looked like an MP but the armor was black..
I don't know who those are...

then Sen, a MP Cadet who's become a regular, walked in and gave me a copy of Loveless...it's a book of Poems...I..guess we talked a bit before about it. I don't really ever have time to go see a movie..or do stuff like that...

last thing I did on free time was go with my step-brothers to the arcade and helped them win a couple of those weird SOLDIER dolls..or action figures as they complained back...Got Kira and Sin since those were their favorites, Lau keeps discourageing me against encourageing their fanboying. but the best I can do is try to hold them back from running to the front Desk of ShinRa tower asking to see a SOLDIER 1st class or some bullshit.

back onto Sen....I may have to be concerned. I've got another stalker...or so it looks, someone who wants to know more about me the more I tell him to go away. hard enough not to laugh at the guy...almost took him up on the offer. but every moment I have to spare is working on those suits...and keeping close eye on as much information as I can get....about Souma....

it...hurt to talk so frankly with a regular customer...maybe it's just a side effect of the drugs...I just like to keep people at arms length...means they can't hurt me and I can't hurt them.

...on top of that...I remembered a dream I had...after being scared sick...

we were on the landing strip...helmets everywhere...dead bodies...everywhere...
Kai was...standing at the edge, he was going to fall off....he fell...I ran but the strip kept getting longer....and longer...

...is this the calm before the storm?

It's been three months...seven days.
since me and Yuge met up again, and I tried to become something I wasn't.

only thing I did today. was accept the application of a bartender, Tomo. I will have to wait to hear what Dean has to say.

...what could he say?
the bar is becomeing more busy. as am I. it couldn't. wouldnt. hurt to have another bartender apart from Sparkles Dean and Myself. Tomo seems well dedicated enough.
I'll observe. and see how this goes.

...Kai...I think Dean would have a heart attack if I hired him. I need to solidify contact information with Dean so I can send him those reports. I don't even know if he gets them or not. its a giant damn blue moon when he shows up.
I'd like to hire Kai, though I don't want to make it appear as if it's a conflict of interest. I view Kai as another me from this perspective. sure he doesn't hit the mark every time but he's good at what he does. he can fight, and he can serve drinks. bouncer and bartender in one. what more can you ask for?

and he's unique. ....maybe i'm looking at this from a military point of view.
last year is still pretty raw on me...these past few months have been an escape,
once the noise starts. I may lose everything I've come to know in the past two years.

I wont regret it.