...Vondred's back in town..

I felt almost on the verge of tears seeing him again...seeing that photograph again. same old same old...Vondred was my mentor. I looked up to him. two years in Prison did a number on him. his Red hair is black...his tanned skin turned pale...

....is this a drug enduced dream?
if it was the night ended and the morning began with Kai....
I don't know where to begin...guideing a rookie through these things isn't usually what I do...he had all the right moves to make me squirm. you'd think he was a torture expert...maybe I turned him off from the way I built myself up to reject it. especially after my first time two years ago....I'd never forget the smell of a ShinRa uniform after that.

what is Vondred doing now?
maybe i'll have more time to talk to him tomorrow....or the next day...
I'm shaking...why do I feel afraid?

...they keep saying...."keep your humanity"...
I don't...know why i'm trembling....
and it scares me....every time I step outside I have to remember...I'm probably being watched. i'm being hunted...Rassk could be on my heels...

...hell even when Vondred's woman told me he had a message for me,
at first I thought it was from the Black Sun Syndicate....

I need to take this one day at a time....carefully....or else i'll shatter again.

Never again.....

...that job is horrible, no matter the money.
I'd rather be hunting bounties then doing that...
now...I just...want to sleep...for as long as I can.

I want to forget how much it hurts to keep something going.
how long will Force's loyalty last?
...is it really worth it?

...if Kai and Ed weren't depending on me.
I would have long carved my old sword into my throat...
just to stop this. just to quiet things.

but I can't now....they trust me. I trust them....
do they really? do I really?

....last night was awkward. yet comfortable.

what have I been doing? tailing random people around? drawing them? this leg is such a hindrance...it's taking some time to heal. my favorite place to hide has been taken over. didn't really expect it to stay silent and solemn.
a thing...it....furred one. the medical chamber was full of weapons and papers. before I could start a fire by throwing my cigarette on the papers it found me.

and I got out of there without problem, and without running into Rassk.
this fascination is going to get me into a problem. yet I like staying where people can't reach me. I have to watch out for those who can climb and run.
and if Rassk notices I've been tailing him on and off. I don't think I'll be bitching about just my leg. Kai didn't ask when I showed him my sketchbook filled with drawings of people I shouldn't even be in the vicinity of, aside from him and Ed.

but this curiosity of mine has gotten the better of me. I haven't felt like this since two years ago. back in Midgar. something drove me to want to know more then I should. and it killed me more then once.

I'll be careful. at least until Ed is stabilized and can be treated easily by Kai.
Rassk's dog bites hard. I'll have to remember to bring something more appetizing for it. but if it's him alone, I'll just have to pray to some un-named intimate object.

[Just a bunch of doodles]

Is "I need help" Such a weird thing to hear from me?

....my head was spinning from doing bar paperwork for the past seven days..
I wasn't even drunk when I asked Force if one of his workers was good with numbers, and he just stared at me weirdly then started laughing.

it ended up a few guys and Force overlooking it to help me with the rest of my paperwork...but really i don't think laughing was called for...unless me asking for help was really that funny.

I should call Kai and see if Ed's doing alright-
...Fuck that reminds me I don't think I actually have Kai's correct cell number.

another thing....guess my "Ultimate endurance" wasn't all I thought it was.
I've tried to ignore physical pain for as long as I can remember...and that screwed alot of shit up, guess I noticed...after I fought Kai..or it fought Kai...I don't remember anymore...I could walk...because someone healed me...but the interal damage remained...I didn't even notice when I was walking around base until my legs gave out without notice, I couldn't even push myself up, it felt like all of my nerves were rejecting me. I can walk a bit better now though I've still got a bad limp.

on top of that, today I got a letter from my step brothers, inviteing me to a funeral.

....should I go?

I know perfectly well what will happen.

but still...

[Additional writeing at a later period in time indicated below]

Again! more weird looks when I ask for help, and it was just asking Yulia about something to take my mind off bounties and bar paperwork problems. she suggested I take up "Agressive Inline Skating" once my legs get better. Usually i stay away from those sorts of activities...I get too carried away going so fast when I have to stop i'm always depressed.

theres always road blocks....but i'm trying...trying to change...
I can't afford Kai or Ed frowning at me...angry at me..

if I can find...something to be happy about...if I can make that smile..seem more sincere...Kai wont..be angry at me..-it- wont happen to him...

-teardrops would be scattering on the page-

why is it so hard for me to understand?

"Don't apologize for something you can't control"
It's become a hypocritical saying for me...

apologies hold no weight...as much as they are non existant..
what does it mean?

..I don't understand...
stareing at this symbolic object of affection...it doesn't mean anything to me..because I never understood it's meaning in the first place...
in books...a woman is overjoyed by the prospect of marriage....
in reality no such joy exists for those who don't understand it.
combat and failure were my teachers. they spoke nothing of "love" or "Conciquence"
and yet I fell into the same trap over and over...acting like nothing's the matter.

maybe I have to learn these things...maybe it's something that can't be learned.
I guess I just wont learn it then.

Hope Ed and Kai are alright...tried to check in on them a couple of times though it was always when they were sleeping...at least I think they were....Kai's eyesight is pretty good in the dark I think that's why he didn't try to attack me when I came into the apartment a few times to just check on Ed's health status.

I hate my process of wearing complicated wigs....at least I stopped stitching them into my hairline...last wig I wore...the long black one, had glass and blood dregged into it. it was a nightmare to remove.

I need to return to the bar.

I've gotten good at hideing away the pain again.
my ribs. these bruises, Aoi healed a bit of them while I was back at work.

though I was called back to the Sector 2 hotel.
Ed being injured...this guy...Piqin.

I actually wanted to meet him. not for revenge...Ed and Kai can have that.
I'm curious. from what they have said about him, he can get under your skin with a flick of his finger. It leaves me wondering if he can mentally destroy parts of your head as well as mess with them and implant thoughts...I am probably thinking too far ahead. if he came from the asylum as Kai said, then it is to be asumed he is unstable. I'll keep my interest under the radar of Kai and Ed, they know what an unhealthy obssession I had with Souma and i'm sure if they knew of this interest they'd want to snuf it out in an instant...."For my own safety" I'd understand...and if they ask I don't plan to keep it from them...not like last time...but for now it is a quiet waiting game.

I'll stick close...and keep my cellphone on...
i'm all they have left....huh?

....I don't understand....
no matter how much I fake like i'm mature..i'm...so put together...
when it falls apart...I just can't understand these gestures....these relationships..

I act like an actress would.
baseing my replies and actions off movies and what I read in books.

...it's only when I lose it...it feels like me.
the me I left behind. I don't need to know who I am.

I'm perfectly fine being something that doesn't exist.
it's in that place I can help Ed and Kai....
I wont lose it again.
I can't lose it again.

[Found by Kai has yet to be returned. :>]

////
Entry By Kai
//////

- the writing is rather sloppy, kai didn't seem to care about it.-



Ekiri.. I read through your journal. I'm sorry.. i just Needed to Know some things..you'll probably be pissed once you wake up and find this.

i just want you to know..If you Ever Need to talk to me..Any time..Any day.. I'm not going to be mad at you. And I've noticed..that ever sense i came back to you..you've been getting worse... Is it because of me?..Do you want me gone again?

Because if that's what you want I'll Leave..and never come back. I apologise if I've screwed something good up between you and yuge. But i can't really tell you enough how much i feel like I've ruined your life..

It wasn't your fault whenever i got injured. I Wanted to help you.. it was My choice.. i don't want you to blame yourself whenever i get hurt.. Because it Was Never your fault.. i should've been more carefull. And here i am again..apologising..How stupid.. I'm sorry for what i said about Souma last Night. I cared about her, Ed cared about her. if there was anything we would've been ale to do i assure you we would have..Don't tear yourself apart anymore..Please..For the sake of Ed and i.. you're all we have left.

- dry teardrops litter the page, as well as New ones on every other written page.-

If you would like to talk to me..Please.. Meet me at the airport. Alone.

~Kai.

[The writeing is incredibley scratched.]

Souma....

where are you?

...I can hear you...in the back of my head...I can see you...

I can't understand where you are...

...I...wont let anyone hurt you...

I'm so scared...they wont disapear....every single...torn up face...

..and yours is not among them....

..it's my fault...

..it's my fault your gone....

..please forgive me...

...please have mercy on me.....

..save me....if I save you...

...my head hurts...my leg hurts....my eyes...I can't...stop crying...

...help me...help me fight them....help...me....please...

[The entire page is splattered with drops of moisturized blood]

....what was I doing..?

before I blacked out...those weeks ago...

that entire week disappeared...

my voice was so sore...
what happened?

...someone else was in control again...

writing things to make it seem like I had a image of what happend.
trying to make me believe it was real...what did Kai save me from?
what did I want to forget?

the flowers....I was...

going to Nibelhiem...my...Cousin's funeral memorial...
it's too late now...isn't it....

my voice....it's been..so many days..and still...
it doesn't want to return...

I visited them....my stepbrothers...
their mother infuriates me.

...she reminds me of...
their dead already.

does she need to die too?

[added much later in the day]

I have no more need for hesitation.
what's done has been done.
they will be raised in term of revenge, as I was.
it's never been as quiet as it is now....

I want to return to the bar.
even if it is just to ridicuel, and failure.

and dissapearing again.

If Aoi says truly more then five times in a sentence again I'm going to strangle her with my medication.

she is starting to remind me of my first stepmother.
and that could prove a problem seeing as how two out of unknown are dead.

two weeks worth of work to catch up on. no more prettier then Force's grandmother at one in the morning in her nightgown on a couch in front of the TV sharing a six pack with me telling me how back in her day women were treated with respect and treated gloriously by businessmen and aristocrats and artists and that women just had to have dinner prepared, make sure the kids washed up and wear high heels and look glamorous before the husband got home. further reminding me why I dislike the word "Spouse" or term "Husband and wife" it's like linking two potatoes together and expecting intelligence and all you get is a stutter.

maybe that's why I enjoy harassing Kai about getting married and having kids with some dinky prostitute, and then watch as he stuttered and try to change the subject before I bring up something more embarrassing. I'm sure one of Forces workers once took me aside and told me with as straight a face as the man could muster:
"You are a cold hypocritical robot and should die as early as possible."
but that only improved my mood after watching him open up a can of Soda and go blind for three days due to carbonated liquid being jutted into his eyes.

....so many times I keep telling people who seem into me to just go find a prostitute of similar appearance they'd never know the difference. ....no matter how hard it hurts.

Kai'd probably want to....
though he doesn't like seeing me hurt or forced into anything.
I'd rather not see his expression if he saw every scar on my body.
I think one person crying and upset about that is enough-

[Entry ends abruptly here. the latter pages are just misclanious words.]