Augest 20th Entry Sixty-Nine

[Teardrops would scatter the page. and the writeing seemed like she wasn't even looking at the page. or could hardly hold a pen]

Why do people trust me with their lives?
...all I do is betray them....run away...
do things by myself...
a thief ... a whore.. a liar...
do they see me as something besides those things?
...I can barely run the bar. all I do is run away and make excuses...

....is the reason Kai hasn't been around because he's been watching me?
because he read my journal...he's afraid that I can't do anything?
I'm such a kid...I don't know what I want...I know what I have to do but I can't do it! I can't do it fast enough....or good enough!

....I shouldn't be doing this. going after Bahram.
he has better informants then I do. I reeceived a letter earlier straight from him.
trying to dismay me. saying he would be on the footledges outside of Kalm. and to expect one hell of an ambush if I come with anyone else. the cliche villan line.
something my Mother expected every sparring she had with him. over the top or not at all. this was Bahram. if he's against me I should expect the worst. maybe being a 90 pound girl would throw him off guard. even worse. looking like my Mother.
would he be wise enough to see past the guise? does he know she's dead?
all the letter revealed to me.
was that he was getting impatient. and wanted this to be over.

I think...even if I shouldn't. I need this.
this constant fighting, standing still just makes me agitated...
Kai likes it when I don't smell like blood.....well too bad.
by the time these suits are finished i'll be more then drenched in it.

this is just one stop....one stop to getting what I need....what I desire more then anything else in the world...