These past few weeks had been incredibly enjoyable,
though I hope the same for Kai.
he's gotten some mobility back but he's still wrought with chest pain.

I have gotten the test results back, but I haven't looked at them;
I'm going to wait until Kai is one hundred percent healed before telling him.

I know he's been irritated that he's had to spend so much downtime,
though I've found it a bit enjoyable just living a regular life..
the huskies don't seem to mind him, then again they've been incredibly lazy since they moved to the apartment. I've been able to work on my cooking agian, Kai's proven it's not a health violation anymore and actually edible, though wouldn't hurt to brush up now and again..

Yesterday I was contacted by someone I did modeling for a few years ago,
I was a bit self concious seeing as how I had lost the rest of my arm...
but they said that was no problem.

This seems just to be alot of fun.

...but i'm wondering if this is really alright?
I think back to when me and Kai first met, frought with dicipline and training, we were made to fight not enjoy life...Kai wants to fight more, and I just..don't know what I want to do anymore, I have a daughter...I might be having Kai's child.
I might just be going back to being just a girl. but at the same time I want to, and don't want to.

I don't know how to put this into proper words,
Kai's asleep now but maybe i'll ask him later if he minded that..i'm doing such weird things, N-Not the pornography stuff I don't do that anymore.

Just...modeling clothes...having fun dancing. doing that stuff.

I want Kai to have fun too, trouble is just finding out what he wants to do.

These past few days were a blur,
Kai calling, injured again, I had to take his bike to get him off of the tracks, nearly got crashed into by a train...shot some guy's face clean in half while I was treating Kai, then was able to move him after he stablized to my apartment, he wasn't happy but I gave him a dartboard and some knives and told him to go nuts, I've had to replaster that wall more times than I can remember so I didn't mind if there were a few knife marks.

I tried to make sure he ate food that was actually good for him instead of his requests for either coffee or booze, coffee yes, but booze would be an uncertianty until he healed, of course on my part I promised him i'd go without booze too,

it was a difficult feat, especially after being stalked by so many weird people on my way home, just made going home more worth it. they stopped after I reached the train station so it wasn't a problem...it's something you get in the slums if you're good looking I guess....people were calling me cute, and kid...

Should I start dressing my age?

strange...I used to dress older and sexier when I was seventeen,
but now that i'm twenty I just want to dress more cuter,

But at least I have a reason! ...that I probably caught from Kai,
It's so cold out~ it shouldn't be a problem that I want to wear a big fluffy sweater.

It might have even saved me,
while I was riding the train back to the upper plate Kaname was there, and so was an odd person. Kaname didn't seem to think I was a jerk anymore but she certainly was acting like one. I found the odd person somewhat intrigueing, parts of me wondered if he had Mako poisoning. it wasn't unusual for the sums, but then again alot of things weren't unusual for Midgar,

like gun fights breaking out on the train.
Kaname was shot, and police in black armour entered the train.
I barely saw any of this, holding my hat over my eye, my fear is probably what kept me from being shot. when I lifted it again the windows had been shot, civillians were scared...and dead. they detached the back cart where boxes were kept. I darted over to Kaname to help her, but I couldn't do much more of anything than stop the bleeding, it was mortifying, sitting in that dark cart, trying to keep Kaname from passing out or going into shock, I was almost prepared to put Kaname on my back and run down the tracks, but the ShinRa officers in black returned, followed shortly by some other regularily dressed officers, they assured all of the civillians that help was on the way. doing all measures to calm down the panicked civillians,
...I wonder if it seemed suspicious that I wasn't panicked out of my mind,

I didn't like being that close to ShinRa officers thats for sure, the uniforms...just made me more uncomfortable, I tried to focus on Kaname instead.
I had little to nothing to say, so many years ago I would have cut all these people down without concern, they were out to hurt me, I guess it's something you don't let rest easy, but I think i'm doing okay, i'm living a normal life right?

When we were able to get off the train, the first thing I did was stay with Kaname until she was able to find a decent place to get some rest, then I returned to Kai being freaked out, I...uh...forgot to call him. that's wonderful. but I think I made it up to him ..tenfold...no, a millionfold on what he requested.

...fucking embarassing that was.

I decided to take a day off work, since they forced me to work in the rain...and I put on a cute face and danced when I went into office the next morning, they didn't seem to mind that I did since it wasn't as busy was it was going to be.

looks like today i'm getting my results back on...troubling things,
I'll have to share the results with Kai and promptly watch his face either turn to stone or be relieved.

I got shot in the ass.
statement of the year, definately.

Wasn't Kai though, a rubber bullet,

I refused some pervert sub-human's offer for...
man that's mean...maybe I am a jerk,
but I refused his offer to help.

I had my worries, so when me and Kai stopped by a bar...he had to carry me,
since both my legs were jostled from nerve damage.
I called Aoi, and she told me something unsettling, all of that jostling around could have undone her second rate tubal ligation she did after Setsuna was born.

I...blundered out a responce to Kai when he wanted to know what I meant by reversed,
he walked out...I expected him to run away;
Kai is many things,
he's brave.
he's cocky.
he's thoughtful.
he respects my opinion.

...he's there.
and teaches me to stand for myself.
..he taught me how to stand for myself.

but when I think of father material, I don't know what to think of.

If I ever loved Yuge, that love turned to hate when he rejected my ideas.
and told me to be a housewife while he went out on adventures, never calling never asking how I was doing while pregnant, dropping by every few months to get wasted.
it was like having an ungreatful brother.

I wondered when Kai walked out the bar doors; "For air"
"If I can't make this work, then I can't make anything work."

I felt sad when I previously thought that I'd never be able to give him a child,
or a family, or a chance at being a father,
then flooding thoughts came in that he hated children, and hated the prospect of being a father...that he was too young in experience to be one, he wasn't ready...
how do you build experience like that?

having an abortion at seventeen after that incident, made me feel worthless, it's why I never wanted to look Kai in the face, ....I always...wanted my first time to go to someone I loved. instead it went to something I had to fight without reason for so long.

but after having Setsuna, and leaving Yuge,
I think i'm slowly putting that behind me.

Looking back on the last hundred pages of this Journal,
half of it being a convinient lie to Yuge,

I don't regret it.
it was fun.

I'd like to have as much fun as I can before it slows down.
even if I get shot, even if I get yelled at.
most importantly...I want to have fun with Kai, the kind of fun that'll make him smile.

Because our happiness has been most important to me.
it has been for seven years.

This morning was incredibly long.

waiting for the train that only came into station at morning.
it was so cold...I should have worn a sweater but it was such nice weather today.

saw Kaname again, she seemed much happier.

...but I also ran into Kashido,
there was nobody in the rebellion I felt I could be real with, except Kashido.
when I talked to him I felt like I could be me, not what I was pretending to be.
and he didn't judge me for that, it's the same feeling I get from Kai.

Kashido feels like an older brother at times, he scolds me when I don't take care of myself, and brings himself to my level when i'm losing it to calm me down.

he did that this evening, but I was losing it because it was a long day...
and I thought that Yuge had sent him to spy on me, I'm so paranoid of all this,
what if, what if Yuge sends someone to stalk my every movement?
what if Yuge sends someone to steal Setsuna from me?

....getting back to Force's place, I apologized to him and the rest by bringing back some Kalm speciality pastries I know they liked, I didn't get back there until one PM, it was a hell of a long journey.

Setsuna was crying when I came in, she recognized her mom immidiately and started to giggle and pull at my wig, Kai was dead asleep but that didn't stop him from smearing blood on her forhead, or so Yulia told me.

Setsuna doesn't have to be in an isolation case anymore, Aoi told me early yesterday, her vitals had sorted themselves out, after a year of having to watch her and interact with her in a jar, I can hold her like I did when she was born, she'll be able to grow up normally...as long as nothing else hinders her life.

when Setsuna settled down I went to go find Kai, like he told me on the phone he was asleep, or trying to pretend he was, the moment I laid down next to him he put his arms around me, I could smell the alchohol on his breath but I didn't mind,
he must have been quasi awake..I could hear mumurs of "Hangover city.." coming from him, I just burried my face in his chest and tried to go to sleep.

I was lucky enough to wake up while he was still there,

if I actually cared about Yuge, maybe that's what I found so irritating...
I'd go months, weeks, who knows if we stuck together years without hearing from him.
and then he'd waltz back expecting everything to be fine without so much as a phonecall.

Even if he's drunk, at least Kai tried to communicate with me,
instead of ignoring me for his job...or ignoring me because something was bothering me.

now I need to work on what I can do for him...aside from sexual favors. *Small irrtated face in the corner*

Speaking to Kenji's sister brought alot of odd things in perspective;
I made a choice and im happy about it.
even if nobody else is.

Is this what a mother's life is?
constant struggle between yourself, the people you love;
and the creature you gave birth to?

I wish I knew but there are no easy answers...
well there's one easy answer; Yuge is a fucking creep.

but looks like I'll have to keep a closer eye on things.
I wonder what Kai thinks, I want to know...
what does he want out of our relationship?
it's past farther than me just oweing my life to him,
I have to start devoting my life to raising a child...
I get..a feeling thats scaring him away.
he was okay with it at first but now it's just a source of uncomfortableness.

Maybe I've been too soft with him, too hard and he'll just get angry and.....
then he'll lose it again. and then I'll lose him.

why can't living a normal life just be easy?

Some days I wonder if my lust and desire is overshadowing my position as a parent.
seeing Yuge, Seeing Kai. brought back everything I had been ignoring. pushing away.
I work as hard as I can, I spend time with her every day, even my own child seems to be mocking me.

....Yuge scoffed so hard at me saying "My job as a mother"
so hard I felt that it was true. that it was a lie. I wasn't doing my best.

Yesterday, looking at Kai, I realized...maybe he wasn't as enthusiastic about this as I thought.

Easing in has only served to push him farther away...are we partners anymore?
or just fuck-buddies? ...I get in his way. I get hurt. I'm useless. and pathetic.

...always waiting for someone to rescue me.
no matter how I try to defy that nature.
I always end up going back to it.
I don't have or want the effort to do these things anymore.
and I don't want to settle down.

No matter how strong I get,
I'm not match for those arms that just melt all my troubles away.

what an amazing Mother I am...

Kai wont stop lying to me, I guess that's a given for how much I lied to him.
his eye -IS- acting up...maybe that's why I'm so nervous...from what that side of him said before.

All it does is point out what I can't do, what he can't do. theres still a large border between us where he wont tell me if I ask.
he doesn't understand that no matter what he does I'd love him regardless. . . .if this becomes a larger problem and I can't stop it.

I don't think I'll ever get married,
No white dress...staring becomingly at someone I'd share my life with.

Kai told me to cut down on my drinking...I think that was just in public stuff..
doesn't mean I can't go home and get hammered until I can't feel my feet.
this is a depressing morning....even if I'm satisfied and I'm sure I satisfied him.

When I woke up today my head was pounding, and hips hurting.
then I realized I woke up next to Kai, worse things could have happened.

Spent the earlier evening drowning what self pity I had left in a few doezen glasses of wine...good year and color too, how the hell did I get past the guards at the train station? I know they were there when I arrived, oh well.

I was just lucky to have ran into Kai..I guess.
and if he went to sleep with me that means

1) I didn't try to kill him.

2) He didn't try to kill me.

3) I probably cried in front of him.

4) I was probably too intoxicated to say no to whatever position is making me ache all over.

note to self go pick up more tylenol later,

Going back to sleep before Kai wakes up and doesn't want me cuddling him.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I'm done with being a bartender. . .

It was just not working out. I want to spend time with my child,
with Kai, it's going to be alright now.
tonight i'll try to have a long conversation with Kai, maybe about tattooing and peircing again, it's just time for a change. time to move on.

Was I drunk when I wrote that last page?
I thought I had stopped writeing depressing shit like that.

oh well.


Junon has shitty sushi vendors.

Not that Midgar's any different, something about it's just disgusting but for the past few months I've been having a seafood fit, only thing these vendors do good is live octopus chow mein noodles and honey garlic pork.

....stupid thing about being twenty now is that all my weight goes to my ass and thighs. why do I care? manuverability. the drugs and alchohol actually helped keep weight off and the edge off...now without them I find myself in the irritating position of many young women, even if I don't see myself as a young woman;
more like old hag.

That idiot....I was so worried.

....why am I scared? why am I afraid? I should be stronger than this....

I want to be more careless. I don't want to worry...but when it comes to Kai I can't help it...that's how it's always been.

My existance has been very fragile, and I sometimes wonder if I truly exist,
or am just a materialized figmint of someones imagination.

the first time I went back to Gongaga in eight years, I found a grave with my name on it. my given name...real name. since then, I've wondered if I hold meaning...because I can't give myself meaning...only others can.

If I lose all meaning again maybe I could become a ghost....

A ghost called Vengence...

blood can only be repaid in blood.

Junon's in peices. getting better,
...though I'm not.

I got a message from Kai, it's a problem...
wherever he is...it's incredibly dusty...something falling...he can't see out of one eye, something landed on someone he was with, what did that phone message mean?

-there's blood stains on the page. writing is very sharp quick and wobbly-

E-Everything's broken. I heard gunshots. explosions.

my hands shredded..I don't remember what happened...I was carrying some things and then panick ensued among other citizens, tried to reach Kai, probably still sleeping. better if I go back to the apartment... he's so paranoid I'd be surprised if all this racket didn't wake him up...

cut my fucking hand on the box. wasted whiskey...that's gonna be fun to explain, what's going on?

A year ago. in captivity I met a stringy old man, he would not give information about his clients to who was threatening him so he was captured same as I was for searching for specific information.

he was a tattoo artist, that specialized in inking those among the ranks of the Wutian military, and gangsters alike. the difference is his tattooing method takes months if not years due to the process. I know little about it other than it is painful, and requires dedication and strength to have it finished.

when we were set free, and I was working for Force as a delivery-boy from his mother's store-room in Kalm, I had asked the old man out of a place of hatred and revenge to tattoo me as if I was the same he would normally set ink to, all he said was "No".

thinking back on that moment sitting in pain and agony, covered in bandages to hide away burns covering me head to toe, barely a husk of a person. I understood after a while why he said no, but it wasn't until these weeks came that I really took thought into it, I had nothing, in my captivity there were many I told small stories to, this tattoo artist was one of them, he knew I came from a place of emptiness. of nothingness. only knowing what was forced upon me. and not searching for anything else, I had no valor, no honor, nothing to defend, nothing I cared about except a ghost of a thought. I gave up everything to find her.

and that was the vice of what he said "No" for. I left everything I had to search for something invisible, non-existent from how I said.

I visited him yesterday evening in his small apartment over his parlor. I conversed with him over tea, he was adjusting well, but seemed more interested in what he had heard I was doing. I told him that I wouldn't give up my search. but I wouldn't give up my family. he gave me an envelope when I left and told me to open it when I returned home.

"Return at this date and we will begin, return again at this date the next month and we will continue until finished" was what it read.

It's time to move beyond being a frightened child attacking everything in sight.

time to let the fun begin.

The suits are fine, should be ready for testing within the next month. I hope...actual testing, no more alpha testing. now its to see if they'll work in the enviroment..this hasn't been an easy year since I found those documents,

Getting payment from anywhere, making sure Kai would stay alive and sane and out of Jail long enough, making sure Ed was game for this...

I haven't raised the subject of what he meant about that stuff, a group that he and Ed were starting....are they still going to go forwards with it? will they?
well if they tend to move around alot, they could call themselves "Migrant"...if they care about names, doubtful...

Maybe i'm getting over the horizon of these withdrawls.
my dreams and nightmares are still as vivid as ever,
but I am coming to realize that is not a symptom of the withdrawls,
that is the conscience I had suffocated with drugs reminding me constantly that what I had done, was not right.

sometimes feelings are hard to cast off,
I never have felt like myself because I don't understand who I am.
I've always been undercover, working for the wrong people,
or being the replacement for a dead loved one.

Yuge should have been happy with No-Name, instead she's dead.
Kai should have been happy with Souma...instead....

...what proof do I have that she is dead?

except that I can't find her, flimsy rumors and that No-Name abused her,
I want to find her again.
even if it's a deluded search....even if it's futile...
I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to depend on others.

if it hurts, I don't care. I want to wander this earth again.

Distracted.
Pacing.
can't sit still.
don't want to eat.

I don't understand what this is, one moment I want to hide and right now I want to be out in the field doing something dangerous, life threatening I want to see just how far the breaking point goes before the fun ends.

these thoughts have my blood boiling and the thought of someone stopping me only makes me frustrated, that's why you don't get caught. that's why I want to move back to Midgar. more places to hide more places to work without being seen. street onlookers ignore whatever they don't care about.

that SOLDIER. I've had dreams...nightmares about him too, his face. his Turk.
that Turk is a curious thing, trusting suits is a bad idea but he held justice like it was his mother's hand, yet that SOLDIER, another reason I am wary to stay in Junon any longer, I duck in alleys I hide out of sight but there is too much open ground in front of the ShinRa facility...too close to the ShinRa facility from civillian living quarters.

....I don't regret what I did to be put into Jail in Junon the first time.
I do not know if this is the withdrawal talking, or me.
but all of the acts of malice I took to find some solice in knowing Souma's fate.
the acts of malice I still take to find Souma's fate.
I do not regret them.

I do not regret hurting Kai and Ed to get first hand experience as to how they fight.
I don't regret lying to them for my own reasons.

eventually the truth comes out.
like removing a dagger from an intended target,
you can't stop the blood flow until you meet the proper conditions.

Got to see her after so long, she's gotten so big, healthier then she was before.
I might be getting too cosy, taking too much time to sit down not enough to think things through....moving back to Midgar has been froughting on my mind.

Midgar isn't safe, and yet it is at the same time. I could pull a hood over my head, and act like I don't exist there in the slums. since my work generally dictated to the slums the last time I was there, with Junon my dedication to the bar doesn't garter such luxuries.

Kai's expressed his displeasure at having to hide himself,
it wasn't much of a choice, Dean, the police being so close...
I'm surprised I wasn't arrested for walking into the bar covered in blood that one time!

gonna just give what's been said already time to sink into Kai's head, let him make his own mind up, though I might raise in a few subjects of not having to hide ourselves for our work. if he still wants something where he's not bashing peoples skulls in for payment as much as usual could fly with that idea of a body modification parlor, isn't much different.


it's odd. when I think of going back to Midgar I feel like a Kid again,
a sense of danger, like what Kai said; people knew us, people feared, hated, and respected us. but it sounds like fun. and who knows...maybe i'll get to finish the game I started three years ago.

Kai is like a stupid dumb puppy, I can't stay upset at him for long.

letting my fears get the best of me, I'm no worse then the women I despise.
is he...would he be happy about being a Father? he said he doesn't mind.
but with him it's all vagueities, he seems just as nervous about it as anyone would be I guess.

Three years ago feels like ten, when I came to Midgar with Kai, I was so arrogant and cocky, since I had the time to be by myself, and to see the world as it was without hiding behind Kai's arm...I don't think I've really changed at all.

and i'm glad. because if I did, I wouldn't be happy and by his side anymore.

FUCK!

what the hell does Kai know?
I'm still pissed.

I don't want to call Yulia because she'll talk my ear off,
I'll wait until Kai cools down enough for me to talk with him about it...
whatever it is, it better not be what I was thinking about,
if it's that I slept with Yulia a few times, that's not news!

if it's something on the scale that he would run out the door as fast as he could away from me, then it's bigger than being creepily intimate with my dead mother.

-additional writing-

[It seems shakier than the last time accompanied by water damage to the pages caused by individual drops of water.]

I can't take this anymore....

it's back...it's staring me in the face....

I feel so cold.....nothing is warming me up...these fucking withdrawls

I had so many chances to avenge Souma, I knew this...I knew this!
why...why didn't I? why couldn't I? why did I have to endure that...

thinking about him makes me sick to my stomach....why didn't I kill him!?

It can't be too late...it can't be!....isn't...that the only way...
if I can kill him....Kai wont be afraid of me anymore.
he wont be afraid of her anymore...he wont hate what it spawned...

or would it not matter...he would run away from everything...it's too much trouble.
I...should stop trying....

[shakey writeing continues on but it's incoherent gibberish messed up by exessive water damage, only few words at the end are coherent enough to read]

I tried

I really did

To be a good manager

To make people happy

To be normal


....I don't even know what my daughter's name is...I can't name her Souma...
I can't name her if I can't see her....but I can't...I can't see her until I know what Kai's answer is.



I can't....



I don't want to be alone...

It came back, it's happening again, those nightmares.
Souma, telling me I've failed her,
asking me why I gave up.
asking me why I haven't killed Yuge yet.

I keep waking up in a cold sweat, when Kai's been with me i'm sure he's noticed,
he asked me yesterday to stay in bed, probably treating me like I had a cold...
before he left on another call from Albert I told him what it was, he kinda just stared at me and laughed and told me not to worry about it. i'm tough enough to beat my own brain.

...thats what i'm always told, i'm tough, i'm smart..when i'm not.

I'm cunning and sly, I know that much, but when it comes down to fights I've never been the one to hold the upper hand, at least not for long, not without help..
it brings me back to when I told Kai to leave the rebellion, and had to stand on my own two feet and lie through my teeth to get through the day, scared out of my mind of being away from him, Kai was my comfort zone, and being away from him helped me build courage so I could stand up to him when he needed me to.....but,

Even if Kai has offered to help me train, it wouldn't help, I know the basics he taught me in and out and have them hammered into the back of my mind.
No matter how many push-ups I do, no matter how much I endure. in the end I am who I am, if I can get by, by healing Kai and Ed. and letting them do the fighting on their side of whatever they want to do, i'm good with that, but if they fall. I'll need strength to drag them off the battlefield.

....I mention Ed so much but I haven't seen him in the longest time, I hope he hasn't been caught by the police.

[Many scratch marks and torn parts of the page indicate Ekiri's redone this entry many times]

These withdrawls are really messing with me, only taking what I need for recovery isn't going as well as I thought it would, my head is still killing me...and the wound on my leg from Rassk's dog is acting up.

the only thing worthwhile these days seems to be waking up to see that Kai is still alive and or isn't dead next to me, just seeing him surprised...or proud of me makes me happy.

I need to talk stratagy with Kai and Ed, and ask what they want to do,
it's been a year since we started the suit project, I've had to spend a great deal of that Year aquireing and making materials as well as inputing the power source.

troubleing work but even more troubleing without a direction.
--------
[Additonal writeing from that day]

Saw Kashido again, he knew I had been selling my body.
...I don't understand why he cares, his loyalties lie with Yuge, not me.
even if I'm a medic, you can always get another one to repair your wounds.

and Yuge has moved on, I was right....I knew what I saw, it wasn't Neo,
I don't feel remorse for losing him, he was just a tool to prolong my life after all, but what remained after he left is what I care about, my kid....which I still don't know what to do with, not even a year old...Kai hates kids, so it wouldn't work out, but sometimes I imagine what would happen if I had kept the child I was burdened with three years ago from that accident, and that everything might have turned out better...being a ....something mom....I can't state that i'm single because the thought of betraying Kai, or calling it quits isn't even remotely appealing, thinking about it, I wonder if Kai's caught on that the kid isn't quite as aborted from life as I told him it was,

quite problematic.

Compareing to what I wrote last year....
I think I might actually be getting better.

I don't see Souma anymore, I'm not in as much pain as I was before.
I'm not as confused as I was.

maybe seeing her was a figmint of my illusion,
the reason I pushed Yuge and Kai away last year,

I constantly felt like I was being pushed aside for a dead woman,
that's was what I thought, my asumption,
but with Kai I was wrong.

He seems to have made his peace with Souma's disapearance long before I did,
if he hasn't I don't see it in him, or maybe that side of him is just for himself to mull over, it isn't any buisness of mine until he needs to talk about it.

He told me he met my mother, Chitose, Deadman, whatever she is now,
I don't think I care anymore....to me she is dead, but if she bothers Kai, then this woman is my problem as well, I just can't believe it's the woman I killed eleven years ago.


With all of the things I've studied about Kai with every incident, and his habits, It's better to let him have his way for a little bit longer, as for me, I get to go back to being who I was before all this started, past's behind me now, time to look forwards....

getting tough not to hug Kai every five seconds, his girly hair just looks so cute.

Thinking about everything. everything that's been said to me in the last year.

it was full of unstability. not unlike the other years.
the only stable years I had were when I worked alone and had nobody to contradict what I did, but after Kai's been injured again, no matter what I said afterwards...after I calmed down...maybe it's time I came face to face that this isn't healthy, what i'm doing doesn't make anyone happy.

I liked it when Kai or Ed were happy....it made me feel happy too.

I don't want to be needy...I still want to stand on my own two feet....
but I don't want everything I've done to be in vain.

for some reason...I can't let this go.

would..it be futile if I tried to talk to Kai about what I had been trying to do,
it's crazy, I'd think I was crazy...I know I'm crazy, what part of
"Oh I want to kill everyone who's had any violent relation to Souma to avenge her"
doesn't sound incredibly mentally handicapped?

I...like Kai more than anything, it's the only thing I've been truthful to myself about in a long time, He's rejected me to keep from hurting me. I've rejected him to keep from hurting him. but here we are again side by side. i'm watching him sleep...and I feel no regret about what morality i've disobeyed by throwing my ring away, that's what bound me to Yuges world. but I was just someone passing through.
he can stay in his little world. I can stay in mine. if we cross paths again....

Whatever happens, happens...

But I'd kill myself before I slept with HIM again.

A day after I wrote my last entry.....I was riding with Kai on his new motorcycle...freak was so happy about it,

I saw a shineing glint...it was at that area I found Kai nearly beaten and bruised,
that shining glint was a sniper rifle. i'm sure...it was. someone was pointing a rifle at us. Kai must have noticed, someone shot the tire....shot me....not in the intended spot...I fell. and then black.

when I woke up...I was in an INN. In Midgar.
Albert stopped me from having a panic attack, but that didn't stop me from leaving. he said Kai wanted me out of Junon to make sure I wouldn't go face to face with whoever did it, maybe he thought it was Black Sun...I don't know. I feel light headed...Have since I found out the date. I had a concussion for nearly two months.

Took a walk around Midgar, trying to arrange transportation...Ran into Vollified oddly enough..he was...very clingy...worried, it was creepy. but not unwelcomed with how many men i've pissed off by now. I don't know about Kai....Yuge definately.

stomach line feels weakened, I can't keep food down, I can't keep anything else down...called Force...he was angry...and then dropped the call. he wouldn't tell me about my kid. he told me I was a mess. which wasn't new. but not what I want to hear after being asleep so long.

I'm sitting on the apartment where I severed Yuges arm. Kashido's old apartment.
I got shot in the back trying to get that arm. stealing it from a Shinra supply trolly, those were more free times, when I forgot myself. as Yuge lay bleeding and bandaged on the floor, we'd joke about blowjobs...and I'd protect him.
I like protecting people...
but nobody wants me to now.
it can't be helped...

I'm too selfish right now, no matter where I walk I see ghosts.
I think I saw Neo, I hadn't seen him since..old AVALANCHE. red hair. ponytail..
I knew better than to reach out. AVALANCHE isn't my family.
it never was my family. it was my lifeline until Kai came for me.
and now my lifeline...is the bar.
I can't see my child. I can't see my.....

what is Kai to me?
what am I to him?

....we're partners right?
..we fight...right?

...we're just...

I don't know.

my head hurts.

It has been a long while since I last wrote.
the day I feared came and went. ....I spent it emptily heeding to the call of the anguish I had been carrying for nearly ten years. I pay the price in bruises and broken bones...but Kai was by my side.

It was on the 24th of december two years ago that I degraded my being by having Yuge play into my hand. By posing and by lying. To live longer...
again I am playing a charade. to extend my life...the charade is not that I don't Love Kai. and that I am not Loyal to him. ...I've been nothing but.
...or have I? ....the days we spent away from Junon...were the happiest..it reminded me of when things weren't complicated...when my mind wasn't ravaged by the thought of avengeing Souma.

My Father. My stepbrother are dead by my hand...there are no more Tsens.

My hair is going to grow out normally again....as much as I hate Yulia for what she did before we left. this might be for the best...I have to think about what's coming afterwards....I'm not looking forwards to this.

...Yuge is the one who killed No-Name...what if No-Name was the one who sent the holy-men after Souma? what if....what if I killed Yuge?

Would I really feel better?

...I tried so many times while I was "betrothed" to him...
but never went through with it....First time I ever thought about it. Kashido pointed a gun at my head. that was a long time ago.


I've been recovering....that battle...was something else.
not only did I get cut up...I was able to kill my target..maybe to Kai's disatisfaction...when we got back I got a cold and he wouldn't let me leave my apartment until I got better. back to square one...

...I don't understand Kai.
one moment he's saying I'm a burden and a bother.
the next he's holding me close and telling me he doesn't want to let me go.

what am I to him? a pet?

....I guess so...I'm loyal enough to be one...that's how I was raised...thats how I'll die....I need to check back up on the bar.