-there's blood stains on the page. writing is very sharp quick and wobbly-

E-Everything's broken. I heard gunshots. explosions.

my hands shredded..I don't remember what happened...I was carrying some things and then panick ensued among other citizens, tried to reach Kai, probably still sleeping. better if I go back to the apartment... he's so paranoid I'd be surprised if all this racket didn't wake him up...

cut my fucking hand on the box. wasted whiskey...that's gonna be fun to explain, what's going on?

A year ago. in captivity I met a stringy old man, he would not give information about his clients to who was threatening him so he was captured same as I was for searching for specific information.

he was a tattoo artist, that specialized in inking those among the ranks of the Wutian military, and gangsters alike. the difference is his tattooing method takes months if not years due to the process. I know little about it other than it is painful, and requires dedication and strength to have it finished.

when we were set free, and I was working for Force as a delivery-boy from his mother's store-room in Kalm, I had asked the old man out of a place of hatred and revenge to tattoo me as if I was the same he would normally set ink to, all he said was "No".

thinking back on that moment sitting in pain and agony, covered in bandages to hide away burns covering me head to toe, barely a husk of a person. I understood after a while why he said no, but it wasn't until these weeks came that I really took thought into it, I had nothing, in my captivity there were many I told small stories to, this tattoo artist was one of them, he knew I came from a place of emptiness. of nothingness. only knowing what was forced upon me. and not searching for anything else, I had no valor, no honor, nothing to defend, nothing I cared about except a ghost of a thought. I gave up everything to find her.

and that was the vice of what he said "No" for. I left everything I had to search for something invisible, non-existent from how I said.

I visited him yesterday evening in his small apartment over his parlor. I conversed with him over tea, he was adjusting well, but seemed more interested in what he had heard I was doing. I told him that I wouldn't give up my search. but I wouldn't give up my family. he gave me an envelope when I left and told me to open it when I returned home.

"Return at this date and we will begin, return again at this date the next month and we will continue until finished" was what it read.

It's time to move beyond being a frightened child attacking everything in sight.

time to let the fun begin.

The suits are fine, should be ready for testing within the next month. I hope...actual testing, no more alpha testing. now its to see if they'll work in the enviroment..this hasn't been an easy year since I found those documents,

Getting payment from anywhere, making sure Kai would stay alive and sane and out of Jail long enough, making sure Ed was game for this...

I haven't raised the subject of what he meant about that stuff, a group that he and Ed were starting....are they still going to go forwards with it? will they?
well if they tend to move around alot, they could call themselves "Migrant"...if they care about names, doubtful...

Maybe i'm getting over the horizon of these withdrawls.
my dreams and nightmares are still as vivid as ever,
but I am coming to realize that is not a symptom of the withdrawls,
that is the conscience I had suffocated with drugs reminding me constantly that what I had done, was not right.

sometimes feelings are hard to cast off,
I never have felt like myself because I don't understand who I am.
I've always been undercover, working for the wrong people,
or being the replacement for a dead loved one.

Yuge should have been happy with No-Name, instead she's dead.
Kai should have been happy with Souma...instead....

...what proof do I have that she is dead?

except that I can't find her, flimsy rumors and that No-Name abused her,
I want to find her again.
even if it's a deluded search....even if it's futile...
I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to depend on others.

if it hurts, I don't care. I want to wander this earth again.

Distracted.
Pacing.
can't sit still.
don't want to eat.

I don't understand what this is, one moment I want to hide and right now I want to be out in the field doing something dangerous, life threatening I want to see just how far the breaking point goes before the fun ends.

these thoughts have my blood boiling and the thought of someone stopping me only makes me frustrated, that's why you don't get caught. that's why I want to move back to Midgar. more places to hide more places to work without being seen. street onlookers ignore whatever they don't care about.

that SOLDIER. I've had dreams...nightmares about him too, his face. his Turk.
that Turk is a curious thing, trusting suits is a bad idea but he held justice like it was his mother's hand, yet that SOLDIER, another reason I am wary to stay in Junon any longer, I duck in alleys I hide out of sight but there is too much open ground in front of the ShinRa facility...too close to the ShinRa facility from civillian living quarters.

....I don't regret what I did to be put into Jail in Junon the first time.
I do not know if this is the withdrawal talking, or me.
but all of the acts of malice I took to find some solice in knowing Souma's fate.
the acts of malice I still take to find Souma's fate.
I do not regret them.

I do not regret hurting Kai and Ed to get first hand experience as to how they fight.
I don't regret lying to them for my own reasons.

eventually the truth comes out.
like removing a dagger from an intended target,
you can't stop the blood flow until you meet the proper conditions.

Got to see her after so long, she's gotten so big, healthier then she was before.
I might be getting too cosy, taking too much time to sit down not enough to think things through....moving back to Midgar has been froughting on my mind.

Midgar isn't safe, and yet it is at the same time. I could pull a hood over my head, and act like I don't exist there in the slums. since my work generally dictated to the slums the last time I was there, with Junon my dedication to the bar doesn't garter such luxuries.

Kai's expressed his displeasure at having to hide himself,
it wasn't much of a choice, Dean, the police being so close...
I'm surprised I wasn't arrested for walking into the bar covered in blood that one time!

gonna just give what's been said already time to sink into Kai's head, let him make his own mind up, though I might raise in a few subjects of not having to hide ourselves for our work. if he still wants something where he's not bashing peoples skulls in for payment as much as usual could fly with that idea of a body modification parlor, isn't much different.


it's odd. when I think of going back to Midgar I feel like a Kid again,
a sense of danger, like what Kai said; people knew us, people feared, hated, and respected us. but it sounds like fun. and who knows...maybe i'll get to finish the game I started three years ago.

Kai is like a stupid dumb puppy, I can't stay upset at him for long.

letting my fears get the best of me, I'm no worse then the women I despise.
is he...would he be happy about being a Father? he said he doesn't mind.
but with him it's all vagueities, he seems just as nervous about it as anyone would be I guess.

Three years ago feels like ten, when I came to Midgar with Kai, I was so arrogant and cocky, since I had the time to be by myself, and to see the world as it was without hiding behind Kai's arm...I don't think I've really changed at all.

and i'm glad. because if I did, I wouldn't be happy and by his side anymore.

FUCK!

what the hell does Kai know?
I'm still pissed.

I don't want to call Yulia because she'll talk my ear off,
I'll wait until Kai cools down enough for me to talk with him about it...
whatever it is, it better not be what I was thinking about,
if it's that I slept with Yulia a few times, that's not news!

if it's something on the scale that he would run out the door as fast as he could away from me, then it's bigger than being creepily intimate with my dead mother.

-additional writing-

[It seems shakier than the last time accompanied by water damage to the pages caused by individual drops of water.]

I can't take this anymore....

it's back...it's staring me in the face....

I feel so cold.....nothing is warming me up...these fucking withdrawls

I had so many chances to avenge Souma, I knew this...I knew this!
why...why didn't I? why couldn't I? why did I have to endure that...

thinking about him makes me sick to my stomach....why didn't I kill him!?

It can't be too late...it can't be!....isn't...that the only way...
if I can kill him....Kai wont be afraid of me anymore.
he wont be afraid of her anymore...he wont hate what it spawned...

or would it not matter...he would run away from everything...it's too much trouble.
I...should stop trying....

[shakey writeing continues on but it's incoherent gibberish messed up by exessive water damage, only few words at the end are coherent enough to read]

I tried

I really did

To be a good manager

To make people happy

To be normal


....I don't even know what my daughter's name is...I can't name her Souma...
I can't name her if I can't see her....but I can't...I can't see her until I know what Kai's answer is.



I can't....



I don't want to be alone...

It came back, it's happening again, those nightmares.
Souma, telling me I've failed her,
asking me why I gave up.
asking me why I haven't killed Yuge yet.

I keep waking up in a cold sweat, when Kai's been with me i'm sure he's noticed,
he asked me yesterday to stay in bed, probably treating me like I had a cold...
before he left on another call from Albert I told him what it was, he kinda just stared at me and laughed and told me not to worry about it. i'm tough enough to beat my own brain.

...thats what i'm always told, i'm tough, i'm smart..when i'm not.

I'm cunning and sly, I know that much, but when it comes down to fights I've never been the one to hold the upper hand, at least not for long, not without help..
it brings me back to when I told Kai to leave the rebellion, and had to stand on my own two feet and lie through my teeth to get through the day, scared out of my mind of being away from him, Kai was my comfort zone, and being away from him helped me build courage so I could stand up to him when he needed me to.....but,

Even if Kai has offered to help me train, it wouldn't help, I know the basics he taught me in and out and have them hammered into the back of my mind.
No matter how many push-ups I do, no matter how much I endure. in the end I am who I am, if I can get by, by healing Kai and Ed. and letting them do the fighting on their side of whatever they want to do, i'm good with that, but if they fall. I'll need strength to drag them off the battlefield.

....I mention Ed so much but I haven't seen him in the longest time, I hope he hasn't been caught by the police.

[Many scratch marks and torn parts of the page indicate Ekiri's redone this entry many times]

These withdrawls are really messing with me, only taking what I need for recovery isn't going as well as I thought it would, my head is still killing me...and the wound on my leg from Rassk's dog is acting up.

the only thing worthwhile these days seems to be waking up to see that Kai is still alive and or isn't dead next to me, just seeing him surprised...or proud of me makes me happy.

I need to talk stratagy with Kai and Ed, and ask what they want to do,
it's been a year since we started the suit project, I've had to spend a great deal of that Year aquireing and making materials as well as inputing the power source.

troubleing work but even more troubleing without a direction.
--------
[Additonal writeing from that day]

Saw Kashido again, he knew I had been selling my body.
...I don't understand why he cares, his loyalties lie with Yuge, not me.
even if I'm a medic, you can always get another one to repair your wounds.

and Yuge has moved on, I was right....I knew what I saw, it wasn't Neo,
I don't feel remorse for losing him, he was just a tool to prolong my life after all, but what remained after he left is what I care about, my kid....which I still don't know what to do with, not even a year old...Kai hates kids, so it wouldn't work out, but sometimes I imagine what would happen if I had kept the child I was burdened with three years ago from that accident, and that everything might have turned out better...being a ....something mom....I can't state that i'm single because the thought of betraying Kai, or calling it quits isn't even remotely appealing, thinking about it, I wonder if Kai's caught on that the kid isn't quite as aborted from life as I told him it was,

quite problematic.