Kai had burns,
Dean is angry at me,

why?

I did what I did back at the old bar....
..I would preform surgery on...MYSELF, and nobody would give a shit.
I do it in a fancy Junon bar, Dean and his mother who's inhabiting his brain ge-..

...what did I just write?

the more I look back I keep wondering why I write down all this trivial information?
...girls my age are...what? going to college?
haveing boyfriends? working menial jobs. not careing about killing?

I'm insensitive. i'm unkind...I do what I have to...to survive.
why did I instinctively try to help Kai?

...he was fine...

..i'm not his damn mother...

Dean overeacted. how does he want everything to be so damn perfect?

does he actually think there's no hazard in things being too clean?
you get too soft and aren't able to handle toxic life.
NOBODY in the bar has died yet. sure they've ordered strong drinks,
but those were police rookies. they can handle being knocked off their feet.
...."Are you trying to get us shut down?"

....Azure and Yuge let me do whatever I damn wanted when I worked in the bar back in Midgar...but back then they were different man and I just didn't have to give a shit. I was a rookie to their eyes. nothing harmful.

....now we're upstanding citizens in a military city...

scary...scary...
I do what's best for the bar not what's best for who owns it.
I get fired. there's no problem...I'll go back to searching......
and give up this charade...Souma is my only concern...

I have to finish these suits.

It was..really busy two days ago....
but...yesterday...someone broke the apartment window...

an assassin...sent for me.

this wasn't like the guys before...not randomly hired...
but they wanted their pressense known...
If I didn't have a gun around for testing amunition for Kashido...
I was pinned...it was close..I didn't have a choice...
gun to the head....knife to the groin...

..hah...sounds like a woman's self defense class.

...a bit of my hair returned to it's natural color in the back...blood's still on my hair...Ed's still with that cat chick. Kai is the same as ever...as is Yuge.....
I don't know why...but when I think about this...any of this...

Kai...Yuge....Kashido..Ed...Sakura....work...my skin burns....it feels like there's fire...under my skin....Aoi told me, it might be normal to have a rosier face...but this isn't rosieness. MY SKIN feels like IT'S BURNING alive.

...I'll try..I dunno taking a bath with ice cubes....maybe...maybe this is withdrawl...I've felt this since Kai smashed my syringe...

I've started to have bad nosebleeds...but that's normal.

so much bank work I had to file and make sure was alright for the bank.
I need to hear back from Dean but I'm not sure how to reach him quickly.
phone number and adress aren't working as quickly as I wished it would.
I'm not the most model employee ever. I just want him to understand I'd like his imput on these things as well even if it's as simple as hireing someone. I'll give it another day then call back to those applicants. pray for good results.

....on top of the burning skin...the nosebleeds...seeing things...seeing faces...people who've died...I've got a nasty cough...throat feels sore too...been feeling sore ever since....Kai....

....

.......
...........

[Page ends with no more writeing]

...so..I think the kids still alive.
nothing like leaning on your side and feeling something punch you in the...
everything.

this week's been nothing but trouble.
Step-mother threw the shot glasses I gave her in my face...
had to pull the glass out of my skin.

replaced the ceiling tiles in the bar to make sure that things worked fine....
and later...had to change my bandages, but didn't want to...though Kai knew and threatened me to the point of actually bringing in a car battery and chains if I didn't change the bandages....geeze...I don't need them anymore....just...kinda hurts in the way of what's to come....I've been running from and to work. I'm exhausted...but it's keeping me in shape...in case...I ever need to run after Kai again.....

...didn't help he could shoot me with tranq's....

...take deep breaths....

anyways...

I've met so many interesting people Today....
and I think...I found someone who I could trust to tend the bar...
maybe..he's kinda...a blue tiger...by the name of Tomo.

I get...odd vibes looking at him, reminds me of Kain. if he was Younger....and Blue.
got real energy. go getter. seemed to be worried about his courage..but that didn't deter him from showing off some cool tricks....

he manipulates ice as well..and by Manipulate I mean he controls it perfectly..
..or so it seems....
....I'm going to have to find out how soon I can get Dean to contact me back on this. there's an awful lot I need to speak to Dean about. it's just finding some times when he's in Junon that's the problem...I wont worry about it too much...
I should probably go home, get some sleep..it's two in the morning..

Kai hasn't shown up, not Ed. or Sakura.
no Yuge....no Kashido...

...okay maybe I was wrong. Ed and Sakura showed up....

....just the usual stuff....
Ed seemed to be doing alright. better then he had previous days...
..and which followed...I don't know what Sakura was talking about..
mostly sounded like a incident between pilots and a SOLDIER. and...elevator troubles, she had a bad hangover...I don't know why but...so many things are reminding me of Souma these days...Sakura is one of them.

her attitude...rebelliousness, stubborn...

...

I look around the bar and feel content. I don't ever want to have to leave this place behind again...this place of solace. sure it gets crazy...and sometimes I have to bleed and die to protect it and it's patrons....it makes me exhausted beyond words...but I love it.

I feel like I've made it this time...instead of stumbling to my feet I'm done with climbing the ladder. now it's my turn to help others climb that ladder.

Went..home...

....it's not home....

...it's just rooms.....an empty..apartment...furniture can't breathe or talk...

...smells like blood...

..I want to go back to the bar...

...but i'm so tired....

..it hurts to move...

...i've been sleeping...since I got here....

...breathing is harder...every breath I take is like stabbing myself with a knife...

.....I don't want to see a doctor...
..I don't need their smug faces....

"You better do this"
"You better do that"
"Don't fight me"
"Don't move"
"My opinion is better then yours because your just a scumwater civillian"

...a "highly educated doctor" is just another word...
......for physical molester and verbal berator...

I don't need them doing background checks....
...I don't even know if my ID card still works...
..I'll try going back to the bar tomorrow...

...my shoulder's bleeding again....



...wonder if Kai would be pissed off if I called him....

...probably.....

...i'll give him his space and try to sleep for now...change the sheets tomorrow...

...hope Yuge doesn't find me like this..
....oh how he'd love to bitch....
"Why are the sheets coverd in blood?"
"Why are you injured?"
"Who do I get to shoot?"


.head...fucking...hurts...
...don't need him yelling at me...

...don't need the stress...

....maybe i'll spam Force's cell...Number...I need...someone.....fuh-

[Ekiri's pen writeing is horrible. indicating she can't use her right hand very well out of strain]

Can't sleep...

...images flashing through my head...
I didn't experience them...but they are there...

...words I've never heard...ringing through my ears..

...I fought with him...and lost...I'm cut up...my head hurts...
he's lying close to me...at least the barman...knows to keep his distance...

"You know..he always liked you.."

...him walking into the bar...
....straddling my sides....

"And yet... you treat me just as she treats him...No wonder hes pissed off all the time!"

..who...what...was that...I can't..think properly...

...fire...I remember..the fire...was..he on fire?

...I just...feel..so tired...but I can't sleep...
these wounds are treated...yet they sting as though they were made seconds ago...

....can't...break the cat lady's fingers....i'll let her be...for now..

I'm not scared....
..this pain can be forgotten....

...why...do I like this..?

..the laughter...the pain...not haveing control..
...control of what's done to me....

..my fingers...cut...
...my throat hurts...my lungs hurt...
....my shoulder is shredded....
...my legs are like jelly...


....

......

........

...I feel like my skin is on fire....

....
......

[a long pen mark goes down the page and that is the end of this entry]

I should have become a counclier not a bartender.

hah...fat load that would be.

....
......I'm...increasingly worried,
reguarding what Kai has been like over the past few days...
feeling the weight of him against me...crying...
is he scared...?
...he told me that bottling my emotions would drive me crazy...
....I made sure to let him know, i'm well beyond that by now..
...It's not like me to let everything out...I hate women who do that...
who pry, who just fall apart...and yet here I am slowly tearing to peices...
I'd like to tell someone...anyone...about everything...everything I endured last year...to have an outsiders opinion on it...what they see me as now...
but if I tell anyone...I don't think anything will change....maybe they'll be afraid of me. or laugh at me...thinking what i'm saying is fake...everything I've pushed to the back of my mind is coming forwards...and...

....
.......
......... [scribbled over no legible words here followed by the next paragraph]

on another side....Ed.
this will become a grave concern if he turns on me and Kai.
I don't know Kai's entire feelings on this,
but the information on the suit stays between us three.
Ed is becomeing attached to a cat lady.
overall I do intend to believe "Good for him" after all he's been through.
though he appears to have snapped at Kai over the subject of Kai perposely hurting her. where is the evidence of this? I wont get into their personal buisness...
Even though Ed is a dear friend. I don't want to hear of his affectionate kitty spreading rumors about said suit all around. if it comes to that I may just have to make Ed hate me more then he is angry at Kai.

whatever happend between those three, Ed, the cat. and Kai. stays between them.
but this suit. ties into my work. and my work. is of the upmost importance.
I wont tollerate this going to shambles. not today. not tomorrow. never.
I ....swore...I would do anything...
to get this sick son of a bitch.
a knife in his back.
my hands around his throat.

I wont hold back...
everything his men have done to me.
and what he might have done to Souma...even if it was her corpse.

...there will be no mercy to those who get in my way.



Ed.
...You better be smarter then I think you are right now.
I remember his attitude back in Midgar...the pretty ferret...the rabbit.
it was dangerous once their friends showed up. be. fucking. cautious.

if this romance turns dangerous.
as dangerous as then.
I will not pull punches.
if it comes to this.
you had better not pull any either.

life has dealt you a variaty of cards,
getting laid is fine....
haveing a lover is fine....
when it ruins a finely laid plan....

I noticed she had a wound previously on her neck....
was that, why Ed and Kai had a disagreement?

....I would definately like to see how Ed would react if one of her fingers,
hands. arms. limbs...were broken. even a tooth would suffice. to get the message across. it may seem cruel...

but it doesn't matter for now.

I will cross that bridge if I come to it.

I don't think there's too many ways I could describe how disgusting I am....

I'm not worth being with....
..Ed....Kai...they're friends....what are friends?
Yuge is....my fiance...I don't even know what that word means....

I just..smile...and go along with it....
anything to survive right?

looking back about what I've wrote..
the only thing I know...is to be afraid of surviveing...
afraid of dying....I don't want to die...I don't want to live either.
it's pain that drives me to one or the other.

Kai told me about a different source of energy for the suits....
Hydrogen Fuel cells....they could work....power muscle fibres in the suit.
form it to the body, enhance the user's muscles make them go at max....

what I've learned...humans never use their full strength, even after rigerous training and battle....to get that extra 50...30....20...even 10%.
but it could be dangerous...again...becomeing burned out physically may leave the user more scarred then imagineable, humans....mortals don't use their full strength for one huge reason..so that they have enough strength to survive healing.... I'm worried. what if the suit doesn't work like these writeings say they should? what if everything I've learnt isn't enough?

this suit could kill the wearer instead of protect it....
...after..I bandaged Kai up...again...
he hugged me....his collarbone was broken...other things were broken...
he was angry....his hands were bruised...what happend to him!?

is this what it's like for others to look at me when i'm like that?
I...didn't want him to see, but I...took another injection..
I made sure to ask Aoi about this "Injection" i keep taking....it didn't seem to effect the baby...but she couldn't tell for sure..it's begun to move, slowly...so either it's a bloated corpse in my womb...or it's alive, I'm in my Second trimester now..but Aoi is worried that nothing is progressing well...she yelled at me...
"Your stomach should be twice as big as it is now! the baby is going to be squished to death!"

.....

..........
............
I just...don't have an apetite anymore for anything....
anything I eat I just feel like throwing it back up again...

all I want to do is work and work and work...

worst of all...I keep seeing things...Every time i'm walking alone..
I think i'll see Souma walking around the corner...when I run as fast as I can..
she isn't there....

dreams turning into nightmares...I see her...shaking me, screaming at me....
I can't tell what she's saying. I can't even look her in the eye....
I miss her so much.....
I don't want to believe it...I don't..ever....

maybe it's the injection...maybe it is a hallucinogenic drug...
it quells my pain...but it doesn't mess with me aside from these visions...
and these nightmares...i'm afraid to go to sleep...
and be able to hear what she's saying....I'm afraid....
that Souma will just tell me she hates me....that I shouldn't have ever
lead my life into a ditch for her....but...I couldn't help it if I tried...
I...would give my life...not for honor...
but for her, Souma deserved at least that much.

I bet if she read this she'd probably hit me upside the head for sounding weird.
....

.........
............

I need to leave this subject for the moment...either way...

...this is the second time i'm watching Kai sleep....
i'm just sitting at the windowsil, watching the people below....
it's five in the morning now.

He's so fragile...
...one of the things me and Kai have in common....aside from being comrades....
is that we're both monsters, and do what we have to do to survive.
we feed off each other for energy to keep us going.....

As long as we have "loyalty to the end," there's no point in believing
in anything... even in those we love...

I think I understand him a bit more now.

I have to put my emotions and feelings aside now.
if I don't it'll only end up being pitiful, I shouldn't feel like a child wanting to be held by it's parents....I've been too spoiled with Yuge's affection,
I shouldn't desire BS like that anymore....
....I don't need anyone to hold me....not anymore...or do I...?

No.

right now I should focus on keeping the bar regulars happy...
and working on the suit.

Ed's in on this too now. I'm a bit concerned...
maybe it's because I look at Ed as a adorable lovable adornment in life
that could one day disapear, maybe i'm just too concerned that Ed is too kind for this work. but I don't know alot about Ed. only that he and I were in QUAKE together, that he was Kai's friend. that Ed was once a police officer...
and kidnapped Hojo once. that kind of stuff takes guts...

maybe what I see in Ed...is a reflection of Souma.
something I want to make sure stays safe, alike Kai.


if we're going to make some noise...
better start with a bang.

I'm afraid....

..i'm so scared...


......all I wanted to do was grab onto him and hold onto him....


...I wanted to trust him....I wanted to believe....


...it hurts....

.....it hurts so much...

[teardrops splattered across the page as well as a few drops of blood]

...please...

.....I don't want to die......


...I don't want to be scared anymore...

Work has been getting stale,
things are quiet though I keep telling myself that just means I'm not getting cut up or shot at. only vaguely interesting thing that happend was Kai showing up with a...leg wound...

hell it could have been a crotch wound for how close it was.
it made me think of when I treated Yuge for his wounds once...
I think they both made the same joke reguarding me and treating a wound so close to their gentials...though I felt like a mother helping her son both times.

when I think back to that time, when I treated Yuge, and Kashido moved him to his apartment...while that happend..I got shot at, the first mechanical limbs I got for Yuge I stole from a supply truck I knew was going to be in the area. transporting illegal goods...I don't even fucking know how I got the heat off me from stealing those, a boney teenager getting away with two huge cases, I ran faster then my legs would let me...what kept me going was knowing Yuge was in pain, and if I fell....

...maybe it would have been better if after the first splay of bullets I fell.
there's alot i'm uncertian of right now,
heat could spike up at any moment, I think ShinRa has it's hands full with whatever the hell it's dealing with. but that SOLDIER...Rai Yuudai.
I'm a bit worried..wondering what's going through his mind...
..if i'm lucky he forgot my name by now.
I'm a small fish staying at the bottom outside of his pond.


thinking back to when I stitched up Kai's Kevlar suit, Ed and the same cat sub-human who was trying to devour Kai's face last week entered the bar while I was trying to clean up his wound, sounds like it was awkward for Kai, wasn't that awkward for me, back when me and Force were held captive last year I was the only experienced medic around, much to say there was alot of guys stripping down and getting stitched up...and a whole lot of...[this part had been furiously scribbled over to unreadable]

I did what I had to...but we were out of there soon enough...


...I feel like i'm going crazy, I may just go run into the field and get into a damn fist fight with a monster.

Another day.
very quiet....
very calm.

Force paid for my swords to be reinforced properly...
he said he would feel bad if I didn't celebrate my birthday....

It worries me that he got over his daughter's death so quickly,
is he treating me like some replacement for her?

This day is nothing to be celebrated..
especially if it's fake, the only reason...I knew today was...something...
was because March the 8th, was the exact day I arrived in Corel...nine years ago today, a girl named Naea found me. passed out on the ground...starvation, battle wounded...she cared for me...but when Kai found me....I had no love for the life I had built in Corel. I was rotted....under falsehoods...

again. i'm rotting...is this child even going to live? is it even alive?
Yuge stopped smoking because of it...I work in a damn bar, you can't escape cigarette smoke no matter how hard you try...the gesture...was out of kindness...
but if he needs stress relief i'll light the goddamn thing myself....

.....
.......
..........
I cut my hair again...
took off my bandages....
my face feels stale.
time to fully replace my arm.
and go to the dephs of the underworld. and see what information they have to offer.

Where to start...it's been a day.

Yuge found me passed out in the kitchen,
it seems now I can't do anything without pissing him off...
I hate when he talks down to me like a child, but I guess that's just how we've always done things..he worries too much...but I've told him countless times, his business is his. and my own is my own. though, by the expression on his face he knows that I'm not going to stop until Souma is avenged...and even after that....I don't understand him...maybe this scares him.

... we both had our work, and all we could say for now is "Be careful."

I wandered around...was going to pick up some shipments for the bar...
instead got a nasty kick to the ribs...Aoi told me that I haven't done anything too bad for the baby, I've been avoiding binging alcohol and smoking, though Gaia knows I need those things more than anything when Yuge is in one of his angry brooding moods....I lit those guys on fire, but unfortunately the shipment went with the fire. hopefully not alot of people will complain about the bloated corpses, if I'm lucky the fishes will get to them.

got to the bar quite a bit later, and..."something" was eating...or making out with Kai's face, though I assume it was some sort of a woman. I've stopped guessing.

got some more work orders in...
then Ed and Kai came to sit over at the bar top.
I seriously was glad to see both of them alive,
kidnapping Hojo...you can't easily get away from...or with something like that.
I hope that Ed got the information that he wanted...he looked very worse for ware..

as for Kai...he finally spilt what he was hiding....
he told me...he was a spy for ShinRa, during the QUAKE era.
when Gale kidnapped me....during the ShinRa raid on QUAKE...
they were planning to kill me instead of an exchange...
but from what Kai said...so that he continued to have a spy, they let me go.
in exchange that Kai did more work for them...he told me the day he left...
was the day I should have killed him....that he was the reason our friends died.
it was his fault that my arm was like it is now...

that he should have told me no when I asked him about joining the rebellion...


and then..he cried....
for all the time I've known this man...from the moment.
I surrendered my life to him, traveled with him, I've never seen him be regretful.
never sad...he was more warrior then I could ever be...and I envied that...
but at this moment in time...I saw the warrior I admired break,
and it was horrifying...I was so scared that I couldn't help but break myself....

but...maybe I didn't know how to break anymore, I was angry...again....
he wanted me to kill him....I refused...why did I refuse?

because, if I did kill Kai.
that would mean I would have to kill myself too.
Kai is what binds me to what little morality I have left.
with all that I've lost....if Kai...Yuge, Kashido, or Six dies...
I don't think I'll have a soul anymore, I may just sacrifice my will to continue on...but what I'm saying would happen, would be suicide. I would go insane until I killed myself, or someone kills me.

Kai...wont die....he'll be alright...both him and Ed will be alright.
hell, actually....I may have work for both of them, I'd like to be kept up to date with what happens in Junon, especially the underground...with Kai additionally sparring with me...things should work out. I need this business finished before the baby becomes more apparent, I don't want anyone working directly by my side, Not Yuge. Kai, or Ed.

...Suriel may be an exception. but this is something I've learned to do alone.
I don't have time to have someone be the voice in the back of my head and the niggling doubt when I do something that makes them so sick to their stomach...
like I told Kai....what I did to those women...goes beyond anything someone who could be called Human should do, and I can't have the people I care about, watch me while I do that...over and over....until everything that makes me who I am....

dies.

I'm home...
I hate traveling.

..got a bunch of stuff that I had to drop off at the apartment.
....I want to see Yuge..I think i'm just gonna go home and lounge on the couch
until he comes home...

...missing someone hurts alot, guess it'll hurt alot more now that i'm not shunting those feelings to the back of my head...

I'm not angry anymore...
feel sort of just eaten away at. really tired...

I wond-

[the letters become jiggley and a pen mark goes across the page, nothing more was written on this page]