Thinking about everything. everything that's been said to me in the last year.

it was full of unstability. not unlike the other years.
the only stable years I had were when I worked alone and had nobody to contradict what I did, but after Kai's been injured again, no matter what I said afterwards...after I calmed down...maybe it's time I came face to face that this isn't healthy, what i'm doing doesn't make anyone happy.

I liked it when Kai or Ed were happy....it made me feel happy too.

I don't want to be needy...I still want to stand on my own two feet....
but I don't want everything I've done to be in vain.

for some reason...I can't let this go.

would..it be futile if I tried to talk to Kai about what I had been trying to do,
it's crazy, I'd think I was crazy...I know I'm crazy, what part of
"Oh I want to kill everyone who's had any violent relation to Souma to avenge her"
doesn't sound incredibly mentally handicapped?

I...like Kai more than anything, it's the only thing I've been truthful to myself about in a long time, He's rejected me to keep from hurting me. I've rejected him to keep from hurting him. but here we are again side by side. i'm watching him sleep...and I feel no regret about what morality i've disobeyed by throwing my ring away, that's what bound me to Yuges world. but I was just someone passing through.
he can stay in his little world. I can stay in mine. if we cross paths again....

Whatever happens, happens...

But I'd kill myself before I slept with HIM again.

A day after I wrote my last entry.....I was riding with Kai on his new motorcycle...freak was so happy about it,

I saw a shineing glint...it was at that area I found Kai nearly beaten and bruised,
that shining glint was a sniper rifle. i'm sure...it was. someone was pointing a rifle at us. Kai must have noticed, someone shot the tire....shot me....not in the intended spot...I fell. and then black.

when I woke up...I was in an INN. In Midgar.
Albert stopped me from having a panic attack, but that didn't stop me from leaving. he said Kai wanted me out of Junon to make sure I wouldn't go face to face with whoever did it, maybe he thought it was Black Sun...I don't know. I feel light headed...Have since I found out the date. I had a concussion for nearly two months.

Took a walk around Midgar, trying to arrange transportation...Ran into Vollified oddly enough..he was...very clingy...worried, it was creepy. but not unwelcomed with how many men i've pissed off by now. I don't know about Kai....Yuge definately.

stomach line feels weakened, I can't keep food down, I can't keep anything else down...called Force...he was angry...and then dropped the call. he wouldn't tell me about my kid. he told me I was a mess. which wasn't new. but not what I want to hear after being asleep so long.

I'm sitting on the apartment where I severed Yuges arm. Kashido's old apartment.
I got shot in the back trying to get that arm. stealing it from a Shinra supply trolly, those were more free times, when I forgot myself. as Yuge lay bleeding and bandaged on the floor, we'd joke about blowjobs...and I'd protect him.
I like protecting people...
but nobody wants me to now.
it can't be helped...

I'm too selfish right now, no matter where I walk I see ghosts.
I think I saw Neo, I hadn't seen him since..old AVALANCHE. red hair. ponytail..
I knew better than to reach out. AVALANCHE isn't my family.
it never was my family. it was my lifeline until Kai came for me.
and now my lifeline...is the bar.
I can't see my child. I can't see my.....

what is Kai to me?
what am I to him?

....we're partners right?
..we fight...right?

...we're just...

I don't know.

my head hurts.