March 17th Entry Nineteen

I don't think there's too many ways I could describe how disgusting I am....

I'm not worth being with....
..Ed....Kai...they're friends....what are friends?
Yuge is....my fiance...I don't even know what that word means....

I just..smile...and go along with it....
anything to survive right?

looking back about what I've wrote..
the only thing I know...is to be afraid of surviveing...
afraid of dying....I don't want to die...I don't want to live either.
it's pain that drives me to one or the other.

Kai told me about a different source of energy for the suits....
Hydrogen Fuel cells....they could work....power muscle fibres in the suit.
form it to the body, enhance the user's muscles make them go at max....

what I've learned...humans never use their full strength, even after rigerous training and battle....to get that extra 50...30....20...even 10%.
but it could be dangerous...again...becomeing burned out physically may leave the user more scarred then imagineable, humans....mortals don't use their full strength for one huge reason..so that they have enough strength to survive healing.... I'm worried. what if the suit doesn't work like these writeings say they should? what if everything I've learnt isn't enough?

this suit could kill the wearer instead of protect it....
...after..I bandaged Kai up...again...
he hugged me....his collarbone was broken...other things were broken...
he was angry....his hands were bruised...what happend to him!?

is this what it's like for others to look at me when i'm like that?
I...didn't want him to see, but I...took another injection..
I made sure to ask Aoi about this "Injection" i keep taking....it didn't seem to effect the baby...but she couldn't tell for sure..it's begun to move, slowly...so either it's a bloated corpse in my womb...or it's alive, I'm in my Second trimester now..but Aoi is worried that nothing is progressing well...she yelled at me...
"Your stomach should be twice as big as it is now! the baby is going to be squished to death!"

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I just...don't have an apetite anymore for anything....
anything I eat I just feel like throwing it back up again...

all I want to do is work and work and work...

worst of all...I keep seeing things...Every time i'm walking alone..
I think i'll see Souma walking around the corner...when I run as fast as I can..
she isn't there....

dreams turning into nightmares...I see her...shaking me, screaming at me....
I can't tell what she's saying. I can't even look her in the eye....
I miss her so much.....
I don't want to believe it...I don't..ever....

maybe it's the injection...maybe it is a hallucinogenic drug...
it quells my pain...but it doesn't mess with me aside from these visions...
and these nightmares...i'm afraid to go to sleep...
and be able to hear what she's saying....I'm afraid....
that Souma will just tell me she hates me....that I shouldn't have ever
lead my life into a ditch for her....but...I couldn't help it if I tried...
I...would give my life...not for honor...
but for her, Souma deserved at least that much.

I bet if she read this she'd probably hit me upside the head for sounding weird.
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I need to leave this subject for the moment...either way...

...this is the second time i'm watching Kai sleep....
i'm just sitting at the windowsil, watching the people below....
it's five in the morning now.

He's so fragile...
...one of the things me and Kai have in common....aside from being comrades....
is that we're both monsters, and do what we have to do to survive.
we feed off each other for energy to keep us going.....

As long as we have "loyalty to the end," there's no point in believing
in anything... even in those we love...

I think I understand him a bit more now.