April 22nd Entry Thirty-Four

It's been...less then two weeks since surgery?

...my pelvis hurts...alot...or the whole above region...
I haven't been able to hold anything down, not food...water maybe.
Soda.....I think it's become my source of nutriance.

Went to work again...need to get into contact with Dean again.
fuck. I need to ask him for his phone number...something!
A new face. a new regular...he's blind though.
says he can smell bevrages.....wants to be a bartender...
I'm intrigued....he's a sub-human. I don't mind him.

...I'm calmer around men then I am around women...

...I just...not since Souma...
women are fire..I don't play with that...

there was this...small girl..she seemed...afraid of me?
yet full of questions...
so concerned about every little thing...especially when her...I think they were sibblings? her brother...kinda picked up a scrawny guy and tossed him out of the bar for doing perverted things. I should have done something about it earlier...but her brother moved faster.


after she left, the Brother came back for his bevrage, he was an interesting man...
he told me he was previously from AVALANCHE.but left....that stirred up some unsettling memories...so many unsettling memories...alot of stuff was mentioned...

AVALANCHE,
rebellion.
the bar...the slums...
Gale...is he really still alive?
...

.....

Kenji...I was so close to just...blurting it out....
"I'm from QUAKE. Early AVALANCHE too...left it..I bartended in the bar you co-own."

...I kept it simple. but it was an enjoyable conversation.

again...It left me wishing that I could just...open up to someone...but when I try to...it just pisses them off and makes them think i'm hideing something else.
I can't cry....I can't talk....all I can do is listen...why doesn't someone sew my eyes and lips together?


but like I told Kenji,

If you want to be a free fish....you have to be a boundless one...one that swims with no one..self sufficient. and dead.

right now...holding a hand to my abdomen...I've never felt more like a corpse.
I should have stayed where Esune burried me.