February 25th Entry Seventy Nine

Thinking about everything. everything that's been said to me in the last year.

it was full of unstability. not unlike the other years.
the only stable years I had were when I worked alone and had nobody to contradict what I did, but after Kai's been injured again, no matter what I said afterwards...after I calmed down...maybe it's time I came face to face that this isn't healthy, what i'm doing doesn't make anyone happy.

I liked it when Kai or Ed were happy....it made me feel happy too.

I don't want to be needy...I still want to stand on my own two feet....
but I don't want everything I've done to be in vain.

for some reason...I can't let this go.

would..it be futile if I tried to talk to Kai about what I had been trying to do,
it's crazy, I'd think I was crazy...I know I'm crazy, what part of
"Oh I want to kill everyone who's had any violent relation to Souma to avenge her"
doesn't sound incredibly mentally handicapped?

I...like Kai more than anything, it's the only thing I've been truthful to myself about in a long time, He's rejected me to keep from hurting me. I've rejected him to keep from hurting him. but here we are again side by side. i'm watching him sleep...and I feel no regret about what morality i've disobeyed by throwing my ring away, that's what bound me to Yuges world. but I was just someone passing through.
he can stay in his little world. I can stay in mine. if we cross paths again....

Whatever happens, happens...

But I'd kill myself before I slept with HIM again.