January 2nd Entry Seventy Seven

It has been a long while since I last wrote.
the day I feared came and went. ....I spent it emptily heeding to the call of the anguish I had been carrying for nearly ten years. I pay the price in bruises and broken bones...but Kai was by my side.

It was on the 24th of december two years ago that I degraded my being by having Yuge play into my hand. By posing and by lying. To live longer...
again I am playing a charade. to extend my life...the charade is not that I don't Love Kai. and that I am not Loyal to him. ...I've been nothing but.
...or have I? ....the days we spent away from Junon...were the happiest..it reminded me of when things weren't complicated...when my mind wasn't ravaged by the thought of avengeing Souma.

My Father. My stepbrother are dead by my hand...there are no more Tsens.

My hair is going to grow out normally again....as much as I hate Yulia for what she did before we left. this might be for the best...I have to think about what's coming afterwards....I'm not looking forwards to this.

...Yuge is the one who killed No-Name...what if No-Name was the one who sent the holy-men after Souma? what if....what if I killed Yuge?

Would I really feel better?

...I tried so many times while I was "betrothed" to him...
but never went through with it....First time I ever thought about it. Kashido pointed a gun at my head. that was a long time ago.


I've been recovering....that battle...was something else.
not only did I get cut up...I was able to kill my target..maybe to Kai's disatisfaction...when we got back I got a cold and he wouldn't let me leave my apartment until I got better. back to square one...

...I don't understand Kai.
one moment he's saying I'm a burden and a bother.
the next he's holding me close and telling me he doesn't want to let me go.

what am I to him? a pet?

....I guess so...I'm loyal enough to be one...that's how I was raised...thats how I'll die....I need to check back up on the bar.