April 18th Entry Eighty-Six

Distracted.
Pacing.
can't sit still.
don't want to eat.

I don't understand what this is, one moment I want to hide and right now I want to be out in the field doing something dangerous, life threatening I want to see just how far the breaking point goes before the fun ends.

these thoughts have my blood boiling and the thought of someone stopping me only makes me frustrated, that's why you don't get caught. that's why I want to move back to Midgar. more places to hide more places to work without being seen. street onlookers ignore whatever they don't care about.

that SOLDIER. I've had dreams...nightmares about him too, his face. his Turk.
that Turk is a curious thing, trusting suits is a bad idea but he held justice like it was his mother's hand, yet that SOLDIER, another reason I am wary to stay in Junon any longer, I duck in alleys I hide out of sight but there is too much open ground in front of the ShinRa facility...too close to the ShinRa facility from civillian living quarters.

....I don't regret what I did to be put into Jail in Junon the first time.
I do not know if this is the withdrawal talking, or me.
but all of the acts of malice I took to find some solice in knowing Souma's fate.
the acts of malice I still take to find Souma's fate.
I do not regret them.

I do not regret hurting Kai and Ed to get first hand experience as to how they fight.
I don't regret lying to them for my own reasons.

eventually the truth comes out.
like removing a dagger from an intended target,
you can't stop the blood flow until you meet the proper conditions.