April 12th Entry Eighty Three

FUCK!

what the hell does Kai know?
I'm still pissed.

I don't want to call Yulia because she'll talk my ear off,
I'll wait until Kai cools down enough for me to talk with him about it...
whatever it is, it better not be what I was thinking about,
if it's that I slept with Yulia a few times, that's not news!

if it's something on the scale that he would run out the door as fast as he could away from me, then it's bigger than being creepily intimate with my dead mother.

-additional writing-

[It seems shakier than the last time accompanied by water damage to the pages caused by individual drops of water.]

I can't take this anymore....

it's back...it's staring me in the face....

I feel so cold.....nothing is warming me up...these fucking withdrawls

I had so many chances to avenge Souma, I knew this...I knew this!
why...why didn't I? why couldn't I? why did I have to endure that...

thinking about him makes me sick to my stomach....why didn't I kill him!?

It can't be too late...it can't be!....isn't...that the only way...
if I can kill him....Kai wont be afraid of me anymore.
he wont be afraid of her anymore...he wont hate what it spawned...

or would it not matter...he would run away from everything...it's too much trouble.
I...should stop trying....

[shakey writeing continues on but it's incoherent gibberish messed up by exessive water damage, only few words at the end are coherent enough to read]

I tried

I really did

To be a good manager

To make people happy

To be normal


....I don't even know what my daughter's name is...I can't name her Souma...
I can't name her if I can't see her....but I can't...I can't see her until I know what Kai's answer is.



I can't....



I don't want to be alone...