September 28th Entry Ninety-Seven

Some days I wonder if my lust and desire is overshadowing my position as a parent.
seeing Yuge, Seeing Kai. brought back everything I had been ignoring. pushing away.
I work as hard as I can, I spend time with her every day, even my own child seems to be mocking me.

....Yuge scoffed so hard at me saying "My job as a mother"
so hard I felt that it was true. that it was a lie. I wasn't doing my best.

Yesterday, looking at Kai, I realized...maybe he wasn't as enthusiastic about this as I thought.

Easing in has only served to push him farther away...are we partners anymore?
or just fuck-buddies? ...I get in his way. I get hurt. I'm useless. and pathetic.

...always waiting for someone to rescue me.
no matter how I try to defy that nature.
I always end up going back to it.
I don't have or want the effort to do these things anymore.
and I don't want to settle down.

No matter how strong I get,
I'm not match for those arms that just melt all my troubles away.

what an amazing Mother I am...

Kai wont stop lying to me, I guess that's a given for how much I lied to him.
his eye -IS- acting up...maybe that's why I'm so nervous...from what that side of him said before.

All it does is point out what I can't do, what he can't do. theres still a large border between us where he wont tell me if I ask.
he doesn't understand that no matter what he does I'd love him regardless. . . .if this becomes a larger problem and I can't stop it.

I don't think I'll ever get married,
No white dress...staring becomingly at someone I'd share my life with.

Kai told me to cut down on my drinking...I think that was just in public stuff..
doesn't mean I can't go home and get hammered until I can't feel my feet.
this is a depressing morning....even if I'm satisfied and I'm sure I satisfied him.