October 25th Entry One Hundred.

I got shot in the ass.
statement of the year, definately.

Wasn't Kai though, a rubber bullet,

I refused some pervert sub-human's offer for...
man that's mean...maybe I am a jerk,
but I refused his offer to help.

I had my worries, so when me and Kai stopped by a bar...he had to carry me,
since both my legs were jostled from nerve damage.
I called Aoi, and she told me something unsettling, all of that jostling around could have undone her second rate tubal ligation she did after Setsuna was born.

I...blundered out a responce to Kai when he wanted to know what I meant by reversed,
he walked out...I expected him to run away;
Kai is many things,
he's brave.
he's cocky.
he's thoughtful.
he respects my opinion.

...he's there.
and teaches me to stand for myself.
..he taught me how to stand for myself.

but when I think of father material, I don't know what to think of.

If I ever loved Yuge, that love turned to hate when he rejected my ideas.
and told me to be a housewife while he went out on adventures, never calling never asking how I was doing while pregnant, dropping by every few months to get wasted.
it was like having an ungreatful brother.

I wondered when Kai walked out the bar doors; "For air"
"If I can't make this work, then I can't make anything work."

I felt sad when I previously thought that I'd never be able to give him a child,
or a family, or a chance at being a father,
then flooding thoughts came in that he hated children, and hated the prospect of being a father...that he was too young in experience to be one, he wasn't ready...
how do you build experience like that?

having an abortion at seventeen after that incident, made me feel worthless, it's why I never wanted to look Kai in the face, ....I always...wanted my first time to go to someone I loved. instead it went to something I had to fight without reason for so long.

but after having Setsuna, and leaving Yuge,
I think i'm slowly putting that behind me.

Looking back on the last hundred pages of this Journal,
half of it being a convinient lie to Yuge,

I don't regret it.
it was fun.

I'd like to have as much fun as I can before it slows down.
even if I get shot, even if I get yelled at.
most importantly...I want to have fun with Kai, the kind of fun that'll make him smile.

Because our happiness has been most important to me.
it has been for seven years.