March 4th Entry Fourteen

Where to start...it's been a day.

Yuge found me passed out in the kitchen,
it seems now I can't do anything without pissing him off...
I hate when he talks down to me like a child, but I guess that's just how we've always done things..he worries too much...but I've told him countless times, his business is his. and my own is my own. though, by the expression on his face he knows that I'm not going to stop until Souma is avenged...and even after that....I don't understand him...maybe this scares him.

... we both had our work, and all we could say for now is "Be careful."

I wandered around...was going to pick up some shipments for the bar...
instead got a nasty kick to the ribs...Aoi told me that I haven't done anything too bad for the baby, I've been avoiding binging alcohol and smoking, though Gaia knows I need those things more than anything when Yuge is in one of his angry brooding moods....I lit those guys on fire, but unfortunately the shipment went with the fire. hopefully not alot of people will complain about the bloated corpses, if I'm lucky the fishes will get to them.

got to the bar quite a bit later, and..."something" was eating...or making out with Kai's face, though I assume it was some sort of a woman. I've stopped guessing.

got some more work orders in...
then Ed and Kai came to sit over at the bar top.
I seriously was glad to see both of them alive,
kidnapping Hojo...you can't easily get away from...or with something like that.
I hope that Ed got the information that he wanted...he looked very worse for ware..

as for Kai...he finally spilt what he was hiding....
he told me...he was a spy for ShinRa, during the QUAKE era.
when Gale kidnapped me....during the ShinRa raid on QUAKE...
they were planning to kill me instead of an exchange...
but from what Kai said...so that he continued to have a spy, they let me go.
in exchange that Kai did more work for them...he told me the day he left...
was the day I should have killed him....that he was the reason our friends died.
it was his fault that my arm was like it is now...

that he should have told me no when I asked him about joining the rebellion...


and then..he cried....
for all the time I've known this man...from the moment.
I surrendered my life to him, traveled with him, I've never seen him be regretful.
never sad...he was more warrior then I could ever be...and I envied that...
but at this moment in time...I saw the warrior I admired break,
and it was horrifying...I was so scared that I couldn't help but break myself....

but...maybe I didn't know how to break anymore, I was angry...again....
he wanted me to kill him....I refused...why did I refuse?

because, if I did kill Kai.
that would mean I would have to kill myself too.
Kai is what binds me to what little morality I have left.
with all that I've lost....if Kai...Yuge, Kashido, or Six dies...
I don't think I'll have a soul anymore, I may just sacrifice my will to continue on...but what I'm saying would happen, would be suicide. I would go insane until I killed myself, or someone kills me.

Kai...wont die....he'll be alright...both him and Ed will be alright.
hell, actually....I may have work for both of them, I'd like to be kept up to date with what happens in Junon, especially the underground...with Kai additionally sparring with me...things should work out. I need this business finished before the baby becomes more apparent, I don't want anyone working directly by my side, Not Yuge. Kai, or Ed.

...Suriel may be an exception. but this is something I've learned to do alone.
I don't have time to have someone be the voice in the back of my head and the niggling doubt when I do something that makes them so sick to their stomach...
like I told Kai....what I did to those women...goes beyond anything someone who could be called Human should do, and I can't have the people I care about, watch me while I do that...over and over....until everything that makes me who I am....

dies.