February 2nd Entry Three

Just got home...Made some noodles and porkchops for dinner,
I told him I needed to do some paperwork
so he went to go make some phonecalls,
but really...I just want to write...

I just need to write this out.
Something's been bothering me, a conversation I had, a while after I had....aborted a year ago, when the MP's started popping up as fresh as daisies, I didn't know what to do during the times I couldn't be protected by Kai, or Yuge...I felt worthless,
but...sometimes...the officers seemed like the only friends I had, I know "Citizen Friendliness" back then was the main logo...that's how it seemed in Midgar, there was this Dark haired lanky guy...he saved me, when I lacked my ID, and when someone was threatening me, asking me where they could find Yuge, he saved me again.

another time...a conversation with a red haired officer, (OOC Note: His IC name was Ari, can't remember his SL name though sorry ^^; )

He was so kind, when I felt like everything was lost...I guess I felt like everything was lost alot of the time back then, but..the occasional friendly shoulder...back then I was AVALANCHE, he was ShinRa,
I don't even know what I was thinking.

he had such a weird accent, yet he was kind, while I was talking to the lanky dark haired officer, this Red haired officer offered to walk me home, actually..I was only up there to treat someone who was woudned...there were no doctors in the area, so..the tall lanky requested me to go with him...back to the kind red haired officer..he escorted me down to the church, I told him something stupid like I needed to go treat some cats...maybe I was trying to get rid of him...maybe I was just lonely and needed someone to talk to...Yuge and Kashido were busy with AVALANCHE back then...Kai was nowhere to be found, one rebellion friend. Kain. a large tiger, a few times let me hang out with him, though I was nearly always alone.

this man...this red haired man, seemed to just delve deeper into me, as we kept talking, it went from great...to worse as soon as I started coughing up blood...that hackjob I did on my womb...it wasn't enough to destroy it, obviously since I'm pregnant now. but something I didn't expect was that he was worried. the only officers I had ever seen were so violent...not to mention SOLDIERS.

he asked...and asked...even when I told him "Your not a woman" You can't understand.." he became insulted..and pried deeper...I hated keeping this a secret, I hated feeling like I was useless, so I told him...that I cut into myself, so that I would never be pregnant again. and that is why I was worthless. a woman gives birth, a girl can't...is what I said. that I can't be a woman or a girl. that I was some kind of freak.

...but what I said...it cut him deep, his lips were trembling like a childs...
I'll never forget what he said clutching my hand in his...

"No, yer not a woman.. Not just any o' course, and not a frail 'lil girl.. Yer strong, a woman with purpose whom does wha' she can ta help others.."

this...comeing from a man, not a ShinRa dog...his name..was Ari....

[Tear dents appeared on the paper]

He embraced me, called my name..made me feel like I actually...meant something...
at that time...that was all I needed...to get through my day.
I failed so horribley, I wasn't a good Rebel, or a Surgeon. yet there I was..
embraced in the arms of Ari...a ShinRa. this wasn't some blind passion,
even if it was for a small while...I felt like I could have told him everything...
as if he were my best friend...but my com went off,
and I needed to return to base...

but...

[a few more teardrops became noticed on the page]

I never saw Ari again.

I wonder...if Ari is alright, or did they kill him.
did he leave ShinRa? ...I have no way of knowing now...

what brought about this? ShinRa kindness...maybe it was Alon. an occasional bar occupant. he may be goofy, but his heart seems to be in the right place.
not to say, that I am not happy with Yuge. I am more than happy.
I just wish...I still had other friends, I could talk to as easily as I could Ari, or the lanky Dark haired fellow...or Kain...

..or....

[scrawled in large letters were "S O U M-" but it goes off as messed up scrawls, tears, and watery ink at the end of the page, only few words remained at the end of the page]

I miss them.