February 17th Entry Nine

Way to screw up again Ekiri.

Valentines was...as amazing as I could think it could be,
haveing someone to love...and love you back,
the entire day I didn't say one thing about work....
it was like...I don't know how to put this, something..."Regular" people do,
desk job people. not mercenaries, just...two people enjoying each other's company.

The day after, Yuge was busy with mercenary work, he had to leave early.
I could barely walk....thanks to Yuge's overdriven.... lets not get into that.

Force called me while I was half out of bed,
those religious bastards were setting fire to his shippments, and holding his employee's hostage. I bootlegged as fast as I could...

Fuck I should have called Yuge...

when I got there, there were alot of dead, and alot of scared. helpless employee's...
I did what I could, improviseing useing cranes, temporarily useing a gun, making sure Force and his employee's got out safely, but I wasn't alone, a woman stood by helping me, she had been a friend of mine, former mercenary for the people I worked with mid to late last year. Aoi, she saw the fires and came running...

told her to get the hell out of here, why?
aparrently the fuckers rigged their own men, to explode.

suicide bombers. men of faith scare the fucking shit right out of me.
[Ekiri's pen was aparrently shaking while writeing the next words]
...they're fearless...and feel..no remorse, to see fit to an end...
more fearless then me...

....Force's daughter, was one of the hostages. she was crying, and when I found her,
she was walking towards me covered in what I thought was an armored vest....

...a seven year old girl....blew up....
right in front of my face.....

if there wasn't cover, I might have died. my arm wasn't so lucky, three seconds of lagging behind, goodbye old leftie, I knew you well...the entire store house was a mess....charred, bloodied. broken...

....Yes...Force was upset, he was crying, punching me. screaming,
"Why didn't you save her? aren't you the mechanic's expert!?"

...."What if it was your kid!?"

I just let him beat on me, I had nothing to say....I was covered in her blood.
Aoi left after making sure everyone was patched up, and making sure I dismantled those who had bombs on them...

Aoi gave me a ride back to Junon on Chocobo, I felt sick, though...
I went back to the bar, as if everything was normal....
fuck...I didn't even shower before going to the bar..
I just...needed it. the bar...the people...

thank Gaia I didn't run into any ShinRa officers...
if I did I would be rotting in a cell...I probably couldn't answer to them if I wanted to.

either way...I...met a guy named Cross...seemed like..a nice mechanic...

and then...Yuge....

....all I could say was "A years worth of buisness"...blah...blah blah....
was it really even just that? ...I just feel...useless around Yuge....sometimes,
he's..the big strong merc...soon i'll just be the pregnant lady.

how do I know this?

I passed out in the bar, and woke up this morning to see a note and a lock on the door, preventing me from getting out, it said "...Please don't leave."
I love Yuge, and I grow more and more afraid that I can't overcome this....
even if I avenge Souma....will I ever stop looking for a fight to prove how much i'm worth? can I just be me without...being covered in someone elses blood?

I said I wanted this child to see their mother was strong..
how is -THIS- strong?

...this is disgusting....

[teardrops fell at the bottom of the page]

...what am I going to do?