February 27th Entry Twelve

[teardrops are messed aroung this entry, splaying the ink around, combined with horrible writeing technique indicating she was shaking while writeing this]


...he wont tell me anything...

nobody will....
i'm self obsorbed and self centered...
is this what I was searching for?
when did I lose sight of what I was doing...searching for Souma..
then it turned into Searching for Souma's killer...
now what am I doing? I'm running out of leads....
rumors on where he is..nothing ever accurate.

every other day...another fight with Yuge...

"Where were you last night?"

"wounded again!?"

"Ekiri think of where i'm standing for a change!"

....there..were people in the bar, I was happy...
at the very least...it was still there. and Kai was there...

afterwards a creature appeared outside....it reminded me...of myself,
as we fought it, it was falling apart...exposed from the inside out,
being lit aflame by those who dispise it, trying it's hardest...just to survive..
when nobody will accept it...no matter how much it hurts..by merely existing,
it goes against everything people are taught in this day....

and yet it melted away...like everything else...

[a flurry of teardrops messed up a few scratched out paragraphs with ink running down the page]


....worthless...

I make myself sick....
..I make others sick...

I probably make Yuge sick as well....

everyone keeps saying..."If your hurting..tell someone who cares about you"

...well..what if everyone who cares about me...tells me...they'd rather not hear it.
I wish...I could talk to Yuge...or Kai about...anything...
but all I get is..."Forget it" "Don't bring it up"
the same old excuse over and over again "I care about your feelings yet I don't want to hear that you've been suffering." ....

..the bar smells like rotting flesh...because of that monster.
because of me.

...

.....

......

[ink stained down to the bottom of the page where in very small writeing]

I want to go drown myself...maybe the water would help...

[Additional writeing to the next page indicating more was added on]

...I'm angry...more furious then I've ever felt.
all I do..is go..fight...and hurt.
if nobody will talk to me...if I have nobody....I can tell these worries to...

..

.....

....

I will become stronger.
so I never have to feel this way again.

[Blood from Ekiri biting her lip dripped onto the page]

If Kai wont talk to me....
when he heals up...I'll ask..

No. I'll demand that he spar with me, like he used to....
I wont lose. I don't care what it takes...

I gave up my life to search for Souma, to search for this killer and now I am going to end it. all of this...

...ALL OF THIS false sympathy can go fuck itself.

I admire the strength of those around me but as long as I keep dragging myself down I am never going to grow beyond this. child or not.

who stands with me stands with me.
and those who stand against me will either kill me or I WILL KILL THEM.
....

........

...a doctor's checkup,
and then I have to rush my ass to Gongaga and back as fast as I can.
I swear...as long as I have the will to hold a sword...

there is no turning back.

there never was.